a few jokes

[boosted1jz]

"what does a kiss taste like?"
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!



It's a piece of Ass!"

_____________________________
BLACK PANTIES
> > >
> > > Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and
> > > still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her
> > >daughter is constantly
> > > calling her and urging her to get back into the
>world.
> > >Finally, Karen says
> > > she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
> > >
> > > Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have
> > > someone for you to meet."
> > >
> > > Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one
> > > another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her
>to
> > >join him for a
> > > weekend in the Catskills.
> > >
> > > Their first night there, she undresses as he does.
> > > There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy
> > >panties; he in his
> > > birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black
> > >panties?"
> > >
> > > She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body
> > > is yours to explore, but down there I am still in
> > >mourning."
> > >
> > > He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The
> > > following night the same scenario. She's standing
>there
> > >with the black
> > > panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...except
> > >that he is wearing a black
> > > condom.
> > >
> > > She looks at him and asks: "What's with the black
> > >condom?"
> > >
> > > He replies: "I want to offer my deepest
>condolences."
> > >

[seksicarlovinchick]

Thts awesome

[microzimmer]

yea those were good

[seksicarlovinchick]

This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any
> specials today?"
>
> The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that
> was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of
> Pabst
> Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."
>
> The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"
>
> The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."
>

[boosted1jz]

a guy walks into a bar and says OUCH!

end

[RandomGuy]

a guy walks into a bar and says OUCH!

end

hahahahahahahh get it "ouch"

[accordon17s]

a guy walks into a bar and says OUCH!

end

Wow thats actually funny......

Here u go tho.

These are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!


1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
"You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
inside!"
you think to your self (Shoplifters special)

2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
"Do not turn upside down"
(Too late)

3. On Marks & Spencers Bread Pudding.
"Product will be hot after heating"
(Just as day follows night)

4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
"Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY"
(As opposed to what now?)

5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
"WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!"
(Talk about your news flash)

6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
"Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts."
You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)

7. On a sweedish chainsaw.
"Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
genitals!!"
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere! My GOD!)


There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat
everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally
asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to
tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is
pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend,
puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a
hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow,
very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell,
"What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"

[uproot]

theres 2 muffins in an oven.

one muffin turns to the other and says. "DAMN! It's hot in here!!"

so the other muffin says, "holy shit, a talking muffin"

[Hulud]

^^^lol

[MyMomTookMyCivic]

lol..yeah. you guys hear about the group of gynecologists got together and came up with some phone company..i think it's called Vagisin or somethin?

[02QR25]

this guy is sitting at a bar and theres a big jar of money behind the bar and the guy asks the bartender whats the money for. the bartender replies, u put $20 in the jar and i give u three things to do and if u do all three u get the whole jar of money. the guy sits and gets drunker and drunker and then he decides to give it a tryso he puts his money in and the bartender gives him a bottle of vodka. he tells him to kill it off so the guy drinks it all and by now he is shit faced. the guy ask the bartender what next, the bartender says theres a pitbull out back with an abcessed tooth, and u gotta pull it. and theres a fat bitch up stairs thats never been pleased by a man, u gotta make her cum. so the guy goes out back with the dog, and u hear an awful comotion , dog barking , the guy yelling and then it goes quiet, the guy comes back in all bloddy and asks " wheres that fat bitch with the abcessed tooth.

[Mike]

a guy sits down at the bar and says to the bar tender " i bet you $200 i can piss in a cup across the room and make it in" the bar tender puts the cup across the room and says "ill take your bet there is not way you can make it in this small cup from all the way across the room"
the guy starts to piss everywhere all over the counter and on the bar tender. he gives the bar tender the cash very happy. the bar tender ask the guy "why are you so happy you just lost $200?" the guy points across the room and says. "do you see those three guys over there? i just bet them $500 each that i could piss all over your bar and you would not even get mad!"

[Kalifornia087]

There are these two guys walking down the street with there dogs. One has a German shepherd and the other a poodle, and they see a bar and they would like to go inside. But outside there is a sign that says no dogs allowed. So the owner of the German shepherd says "let's just tell them they are our seeing eye dogs". so they walk up to the bouncer out front letting everyone in, and he stops them, saying "no dogs allowed can't you read?!". the two men state that they are blind and the dogs are there seeing eye dogs and they have to have them. the bouncer then says "yeah right, you have a poodle you think i'm stupid!?". and the man replies, "THEY GAVE ME A POODLE!?!?!?!?!"

[dwnsthGABOY]

There are 3 tomatoes, papa tomato, mama tomato, and kiddie tomato.
There walking around and all of a sudden kiddie tomato starts to slow down and is laggin behind. Papa tomato gets pissed, goes back there and squishes her. And tells her to "catch"up. Get it HAHA!!!

[RandomGuy]

lol ketchup

[seanrg1116]

a guy sits down at the bar and says to the bar tender " i bet you $200 i can piss in a cup across the room and make it in" the bar tender puts the cup across the room and says "ill take your bet there is not way you can make it in this small cup from all the way across the room"
the guy starts to piss everywhere all over the counter and on the bar tender. he gives the bar tender the cash very happy. the bar tender ask the guy "why are you so happy you just lost $200?" the guy points across the room and says. "do you see those three guys over there? i just bet them $500 each that i could piss all over your bar and you would not even get mad!"

stolen form Quenten tarin tino(sp) in Desperado

[seanrg1116]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air-phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail's to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[seanrg1116]

AS A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM
DOOR SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.

OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF
A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:
'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS
OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A
HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. THE NEXT DAY,
THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE
ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO
HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:
'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING
IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME� ALONE.' A COUPLE DAYS
LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED
THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND
HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE
LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER
HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND
STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE
COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.

[bookthief]

A Girl and Her Twinkie


A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.

The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."

[bookthief]

Cheerios



A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[Elbow]

this guy was laying at the beach nude when a little girl ran up, he quickly covered himself and she said hey whast under the towel? he said oh its a bird. and she said can i see? he said no and she walked away, he then fell asleep. when he woke up he was in the hospital in extreme pain and a doctor asked what happened. he said im not sure, i was at the beach and a little girl ran up to me, then i dont remember what happened. so the doctor told the police and they found the little girl still at the beach and asked her what happened. she replied i played with his bird, but after a while it spit at me, so i broke its neck, burnt its nest, and broke its 2 eggs

[seanrg1116]

^^^^^^^^

[bookthief]

Fascinate


The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."