This is awful, but fits here...
This is awful, but fits here...
Here, hold my beer!
What did the deaf, blind, and mute kid get for christmas?
Cancer
whats red and bubbly and scratches at glass?
a baby in a microwave
--
whats the diffrence between a black man, and a large pizza?
a pizza can feet a family of four.
--
what do ya call a line of mexicans holding hands?
spicket fence
--
how are a blonde and a screendoor simalar?
the morre you slam them the looser it gets
----
whats the diffrence between a ferrari and a bag of dead babies?
i dont have a ferrari in my garage
---
how do ya hide 100 bucks from a black man?
put it under his work boots
---
the above was for entertainment only.. no offence should be taken by the previous jokes.. heheh
I changed some of the Jesus 1's and added some of my own Mohammed 1's.Originally Posted by Hulud
thats what i was thinkin, works both waysI changed some of the Jesus 1's and added some of my own Mohammed 1's.
Val for President
Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
A: You shout out, "B-52"
Q: What will be Saddam Hussein's last words?
A: "Mother was never good in battles, anyway."
Q: How many Iraqi's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four. One to screw in the light bulb. One to claim that they've actually screwed in 300 light bulbs. One to claim that they've unscrewed 150 American light bulbs. And one to claim that they're screwing and unscrewing light bulbs for the Palestinians.
Good news: Saddam Hussein will face war crimes trial.
Bad news is, the trial will be held before the Senate Ethics Committee.
Saddam's Bumper Stickers
I Kurds
"My Army invaded Kuwait and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker"
"Quit honking! I'm retreating as fast as I can"
"Shi'ites happen"
"If you don't like the way I reign get out of small, neighboring countries"
"Lose Kuwait now! Ask me how"
"If you're right and own a uranium refining plant, I'm single"
"If you can read this you're probably with the 1st Airborne"
"Bomb me, I need the insurance"
The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
Q: Why did France ban fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.
Q: How do you get France involved in a war with Iraq?
A: You must first convince them that Saddam is hiding fields of truffles.
Q: What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands in the air?
A: The French Army
Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, no French man has ever tried.
Q: Why does the new French Navy have glassbottom boats?
A: So they can see the old French Navy....
Q: How can you recognise a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.
Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A: Never been fired, dropped only once.
Q: How many gears in a French tank?
A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind.
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country"
~ Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
~ General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
~ Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
~ Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
~ Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
~ Rush Limbaugh
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
~ Regis Philbin
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
~ John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
~ Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
~ Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
~ David Letterman
"The next time there is a war the loser has to keep France."
~ Anonymous
"France is now being hit by an extreme heat wave, so the French government is advising its citizens to "stay indoors and do nothing". You know, like they did in WWII...."
~ Jay Leno, a few summers ago
Mid East TV - New Season
SUNDAY:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies
MONDAY:
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal
TUESDAY:
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer
WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch
THURSDAY:
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY:
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News
SATURDAY:
8:00 - Sponge Bob Square Turban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Arafat's Potato Chips
10. Mister Potato Head has martyred himself for your snacking pleasure.
9. Death to Pringles, Death to Jews.
8. Tostitos may have the fiesta bowl but see the New Abu Ammar Chips Bowl next New Year's Day featuring Cal Berkeley v. SFSU.
7. We couldn't make them with real potatoes because the Jews have taken all our potatoes away.
6. Israeli supermarkets can't keep them on the shelves because we keep blowing up the supermarkets.
5. Goes great with Hamas Hummus!
4. Explodes in your mouth not in your hand.
3. Now served on all Air-France flights.
2. Free Martyr-Boy action figure in every box.
And the number one rejected slogan for Arafat's potato chips:
1. Try them today with new UN Observer Dip.
The Top 15 Events in the Taliban Olympics
15. The Long-Distance Bite-Off-More-Than-You-Can-Chew
14. The Four-Man Bomb Sled
13. Synchronized Surrendering
12. Jalalabadminton
11. Women's 4x200 Avoid-Drowning-in-the-Burqa Relay
10. Decapitathlon
9. Women's Downhill-From-Here Flogging
8. Sprint into the Dark Ages
7. Buddha Statue Marksmanship
6. Women's Don't-Show-Your-Figure Skating
5. Tora Bora Cave Whack-a-Mole
4. Regardless of the event, the Russian judge will still cheat.
3. Mixed Pairs Minefield Dancing (Men only)
2. Goat Vaulting
and Number 1 Event in the Taliban Olympics...
1. The 600-Yard Bowel-Evacuating Daisy-Cutter Dash
Osama bin Laden dies and goes to paradise. Once in paradise, he finds himself surrounded by 72 of the ugliest skanks anyone has ever laid eyes upon. A bemused Allah then says to him: "Why do you think they're still virgins?!"
It's hard to find quality field-goal kickers for the Islamic Football League, because league rules allow for kickers who miss from inside 30 yards to have their feet amputated.
Failed Taliban Recruiting Posters:
1. "Be Allah you can be"
2. "Aim Low"
3. "An Army of None"
4. "The Few....................................."
5. "Martyrs have more fun"
6. "Vigins....we got Virgins!!"
7. "Free Camoflage Turbans....sign up today!"
8. "Uncle oSAMa wants you"
Q: How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists can be negotiated with.
Q: What do Mohammed and Douglas Adams have in common?
A: A deep, abiding respect for the value of a towel on the head.
Q: Did you hear what the men say in a Muslim strip club?
A: 'Get your face out for the boys...'
Q: What do you call a taliban that owns a camel and a goat?
A: Bisexual.
Q. What do you call a Taliban who owns six goats?
A. A pimp.
Q: How did Mohammed practice safe sex?
A: He marks the camels that kick.
Q: How did Mohammed practice safe sex?
A: He marks the camels that kick.
Translating Liberal Speak to English
Rights = Whatever policies I happen to favor this week.
Civil rights = Same as rights, with emphasis
Oppression = Advocacy or implementation of policies that I don't favor.
Propaganda = Facts and data that supports an opposing view.
You have an agenda = You disagree with me.
Right wing extremist = A person who disagrees with me.
Intolerance = Disagreement with my point of view.
Bigot = Anyone who is intolerant (see #7).
Rich = You have a job.
Filthy rich = You have two jobs.
Obscenely rich = You provide jobs.
Greedy = You have your hand in your OWN pocket.
Republican cuts = The Republicans are going to stop us from buying our targeted constituency votes with the public's tax money.
Revenue enhancement = You pay more taxes.
Victim = A member of targeted constituency
Justice = Implementation of policies we favor for our targeted constituency.
Economic justice = Providing an economic benefit to a victim (see #15).
Balanced journalist = 10% of the people to his left complain about his bias as loudly as the 90% to his right.
I am a Bad American:
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
what did the baby with no arms and no legs get for christmas??
cancer.
This is fucking awful...
Whats better than skull fucking a six year old chinese boy in the shower?
... Slicking his hair back so he looks like a 3 year old chinese boy!
Whats black and blue and hates sex?
The four year old in my trunk.
Honda RC51 SP1
Yoshi RS-3 Cans
520 Conversion
Clip Ons
Race Tech Fork Kit
Whats the best thing about fuckin a MILF?
Giving her baby the facial
Val for President
pwnt baby
Whats the best part of fucking a 6 year old?
After sex they just curl up in a ball and cry; no cuddling
Val for President
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog
Val for President
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
Val for President
What's worse than the pimples on Jeffrey Dahmer's face?
The blackheads in his refridgerator
Val for President
What's the best part of anal sex with a 12 year old girl?
Pretending it's a 10 year old boy.
Val for President
What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste
Val for President
What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
An epilectic.
Val for President
What is the definition of ultimate frustration?
Two blind lesbians trying to find each other in a fish market.
Val for President
What's 18 inches long and makes a women scream?
Crib death.
Val for President
How do you make a gay baby stop crying?
Put the pacifier back in its ass.
Val for President
Why does a blonde insiste on using a condom?
So she can have a doggy bag for later
Val for President
What's black and blue and hates sex?
A rape victim.
Val for President
Why don't old men eat their wives out?
Have you ever pulled grilled cheese apart?
Val for President
What does a prostitute take home with her in the morning?
Assorted creams
Val for President
Necrophilia means never having to say you're sorry.
Val for President
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree ?
- Because it was dead.
Why did the baby fall out of the tree ?
- Because it was stapled to the monkey
Val for President
What's pink and red and goes 50 mph?
- A baby in a blender
Val for President
What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn around in an elevator?
- A nun with a spear through her
Val for President
OMFG I FUCKIN LIRLed IN REAL LIFE LMAO
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