Overcoming Shyness, learning to be a "people person"

[justinxecushyn]

I've always been really really shy. Over the weekend I while at work my co-workers and I were having a conversation about what we all thought about each other when we first got there and what people think about us now. They all unanimously said that i was shy but once i opened up to them, they didn't see a reason for me to be shy because i was very outgoing. My thing is, i've been like this my whole life. When at a party, if i dont know a few people there, i'm not oging to be there or if i am, i'm going to be off somewhere by myself. sometimes i even think if it as being a illness. its has prevented me from a lot of things in life and its time to have it stop. the number one thing being women. i always bitch up around women esp pretty ones and esp ones that i like. every female friend of mine tells me the same thing almost...they can either say a yes or a no and if I just dont be shy, then 9 out of 10 i'll get a yes but it. i recently got a new puppy (English Bulldog) and now my shyness has escalated FAR BEYOND what it was before because everytime i go out, someone runs up to me and starts talking to me and i feel embarrassed or anxious i dunno its weird. behind a computer screen i can be confident but then when i'm in front of someone its different...

[tony]

I know some people on here may give you a hard time but I have this same problem.. my job does force me to be social and it helps but going to meets or a place where theres a lot of people I feel really uncomfortable. Wish I had some good things to tell you as far as getting over it but I'm posting this more to say you're not the only one.

Wikipedia has a good page on Social Anxiety.. although you may not be that extreme its still a good read on the subject.

[keevo54]

Just find a part time customer service job where you have to talk to people. It will force you to talk to others and in the long run make you more confident in carrying a conversation with someone

[Sammich]

^^that doesn't work. you have to make it up in your mind to be a people person, if you're not made up in your mind then you are going to stay shy. i can tell you this from experience because i was a customer service and i dealt with people at my PT job and that didn't help me. it only helped when i made it my number one goal to open up. ive done much better but still have a long way to go.

[justinxecushyn]

I know some people on here may give you a hard time but I have this same problem.. my job does force me to be social and it helps but going to meets or a place where theres a lot of people I feel really uncomfortable. Wish I had some good things to tell you as far as getting over it but I'm posting this more to say you're not the only one.

Wikipedia has a good page on Social Anxiety.. although you may not be that extreme its still a good read on the subject.

i'm already prepairing myself for the dumbass comments people may make. i did have a cust service job before at Rich's, it did help a bit. being in IT i dont really have to deal with people as much.

that wikipedia page is cool too, thankx +1

[justinxecushyn]

i do want to have that "i'm open" mindset, for the most part i'm open to everything execpt being open. i'm always shy and reserved

[Killer]

i'm kinda the same way.... as far as meeting new people...

heck, i've lived down here for like two years now.. and just in the past couple of months have i actually made friends down here...

you just gotta jump in man.. it's the only way... (as far as friends go, i don't know about women...)

[Julio]

Really easy... But.. you are the only one who can change that.. No one can train you or nothing.. read books and shit like that... ..

I can switch mood whenever I feel like it.. I can be quite and careless about the people around me... or I can be really friendly, outgoing and all that jazz.

Of course my Job has helped me alot improve that... I mean, I have to, I operate a Million dollar establishment with 20 employees who I have to help develope, and corporate heads calling, visiting all the time, 1000's of customers a day, dealing with vendors and other issues..I cannot be shy.
And as crazy as it sounds... When I used to do car shows that helped also.. interacting with all types of people from all walks of life and owning IA has also helped.. meeting with "Big" heads of whatever company we are dealing with at whatever time....

But bottom line is, only you can change that... is not that easy..... Some people do it in all different ways.. you have the people who are outgoing through cracking jokes, making a group of people laugh at all times.. and then you got those who people really are serious when they step in a group..

Is like a family reunion.. most people, ( I know I do ) like sitting down and listening to there grandparents and all the stuff they have seen in life .. they just come in, start talking and everyone listens...


I hate to say it.. you are not alone bro... With the internet and shit like that is not the same...

I mean, Before the internet was big, I used to go to the mall, movies, games , park,club whatever and meet people... meet girls.. Now, the internet had made alot of people lazy as fuck, for the most part.

If you take the tools the internet has and combined them with other stuff around in the "real" world.. it will be great.. But for the most part it has made people lazy.

I mean, look at myspace.. Thats like almost an escort service.. It was created for people to interact.. but for the most part is used for the wrong reasons... and it works.. hahah i just dont get it.


Just be smart about things... make smart decisions and you will be ok...

Being shy is all in your head..

[Julio]

damn, I didnt know I typed that much. woops.

[green91]

julio will you be my counselor. youve got the answers to the questions in life

[cactusEG]

im shy as hell around new ppls to and around beautiful ladys but my thing is the ice braker as in the start off convo.but after they talk to me i talk alot

[quickdodge®]

i was shy but once i opened up to them, they didn't see a reason for me to be shy because i was very outgoing. My thing is, i've been like this my whole life.

You just described me, homey. To a tee. I'm the same way. When I hit up an IA meet, I'm a loner if I don't see someone I know. In fact, most everyone I know off here had to come up to me because they all knew who I was. Lolol. I don't know how or why, though. Later, QD.

[cactusEG]

You just described me, homey. To a tee. I'm the same way. When I hit up an IA meet, I'm a loner if I don't see someone I know. In fact, most everyone I know off here had to come up to me because they all knew who I was. Lolol. I don't know how or why, though. Later, QD.

X2

[justinxecushyn]

i'm kinda the same way.... as far as meeting new people...

heck, i've lived down here for like two years now.. and just in the past couple of months have i actually made friends down here...

you just gotta jump in man.. it's the only way... (as far as friends go, i don't know about women...)

thats another reason why i want to overcome it. i need more friends. I can't make them becuase i'm open enough to go and talk to people.

[justinxecushyn]

im shy as hell around new ppls to and around beautiful ladys but my thing is the ice braker as in the start off convo.but after they talk to me i talk alot

thats the same thing with me. i usually do something out of the norm or say something off the wall and get them to laugh first. if i can make someone laugh, usually they become good friends with me.

[justinxecushyn]

You just described me, homey. To a tee. I'm the same way. When I hit up an IA meet, I'm a loner if I don't see someone I know. In fact, most everyone I know off here had to come up to me because they all knew who I was. Lolol. I don't know how or why, though. Later, QD.

i've been to one IA meet i think, maybe 2. I've meet Collins, the infamous Aly, and a few others. I plan on going to some soon so we will see. Most everyone i know has had to come up to me too. How's your mom by the way?

[justinxecushyn]

Really easy... But.. you are the only one who can change that.. No one can train you or nothing.. read books and shit like that... ..

I can switch mood whenever I feel like it.. I can be quite and careless about the people around me... or I can be really friendly, outgoing and all that jazz.

Of course my Job has helped me alot improve that... I mean, I have to, I operate a Million dollar establishment with 20 employees who I have to help develope, and corporate heads calling, visiting all the time, 1000's of customers a day, dealing with vendors and other issues..I cannot be shy.
And as crazy as it sounds... When I used to do car shows that helped also.. interacting with all types of people from all walks of life and owning IA has also helped.. meeting with "Big" heads of whatever company we are dealing with at whatever time....

But bottom line is, only you can change that... is not that easy..... Some people do it in all different ways.. you have the people who are outgoing through cracking jokes, making a group of people laugh at all times.. and then you got those who people really are serious when they step in a group..

Is like a family reunion.. most people, ( I know I do ) like sitting down and listening to there grandparents and all the stuff they have seen in life .. they just come in, start talking and everyone listens...


I hate to say it.. you are not alone bro... With the internet and shit like that is not the same...

I mean, Before the internet was big, I used to go to the mall, movies, games , park,club whatever and meet people... meet girls.. Now, the internet had made alot of people lazy as fuck, for the most part.

If you take the tools the internet has and combined them with other stuff around in the "real" world.. it will be great.. But for the most part it has made people lazy.

I mean, look at myspace.. Thats like almost an escort service.. It was created for people to interact.. but for the most part is used for the wrong reasons... and it works.. hahah i just dont get it.


Just be smart about things... make smart decisions and you will be ok...

Being shy is all in your head..

Copy, paste, save. very well stated.

[quickdodge®]

i've been to one IA meet i think, maybe 2. I've meet Collins, the infamous Aly, and a few others. I plan on going to some soon so we will see. Most everyone i know has had to come up to me too. How's your mom by the way?

She's doing well. Fixing to get her retirement going. About 10 years early, so that's good. Thanks for asking. Later, QD.

[speedminded]

Great thread

I've always been really really shy...

Like most have already mentioned, you have to want to do it. Just like smoking -- all the books and drugs and the world won't stop you from smoking if you don't want to quit.

I say there is two parts to overcoming this:

1) Normally you have to be in a comfortable situation in order to overcome that shyness, sig says you're the vice president of a car club? That's definitely a good start because it forces you to interact with others within the same realm -- It really can be difficult to randomly meet people with the same views and interests outside of a situation like that. This is one reason i love importatlanta, there is no other site that i can think of with the variety of people and between all the forums & threads then meets & events there's plenty of oppurtunities to easily interact with them.

2) Sometimes you just gotta have balls -- in the case of meeting women say in a grocery store for instance would you ever talk to one? You don't know them and they don't know you so what's it gonna hurt right? Not like you have to drop down on one knee or even ask them out or anything...just a simple statement, comment, or question works and see what kinda of feedback you get. I have chicks all the time call me just to tell me the pick up line someone just told them, normally laughing hysterically with the subject still standing there...lolol. That amuses me but don't do them. Just be yourself.

I mean, look at myspace.. Thats like almost an escort service.. It was created for people to interact.. but for the most part is used for the wrong reasons... and it works.. hahah i just dont get it.

I hear ya, myspace can be incredible tool if used correctly -- without giving away too many secrets i've recently been shooting alot of concerts at small venues...chat with people here and there and i'll post a few pics up on the bands myspace page then the same ones I talked to see me on there and send a message wanting to meet up again. Honestly it's like fish in a bucket and I don't even have to initiate a single thing, search or browse for people. or anything! haha

[Sammich]

Great thread

Like most have already mentioned, you have to want to do it. Just like smoking -- all the books and drugs and the world won't stop you from smoking if you don't want to quit.

I say there is two parts to overcoming this:

1) Normally you have to be in a comfortable situation in order to overcome that shyness, sig says you're the vice president of a car club? That's definitely a good start because it forces you to interact with others within the same realm -- It really can be difficult to randomly meet people with the same views and interests outside of a situation like that. This is one reason i love importatlanta, there is no other site that i can think of with the variety of people and between all the forums & threads then meets & events there's plenty of oppurtunities to easily interact with them.

2) Sometimes you just gotta have balls -- in the case of meeting women say in a grocery store for instance would you ever talk to one? You don't know them and they don't know you so what's it gonna hurt right? Not like you have to drop down on one knee or even ask them out or anything...just a simple statement, comment, or question works and see what kinda of feedback you get. I have chicks all the time call me just to tell me the pick up line someone just told them, normally laughing hysterically with the subject still standing there...lolol. That amuses me but don't do them. Just be yourself.

reps...very well posted

[justinxecushyn]

Great thread

Like most have already mentioned, you have to want to do it. Just like smoking -- all the books and drugs and the world won't stop you from smoking if you don't want to quit.

I say there is two parts to overcoming this:

1) Normally you have to be in a comfortable situation in order to overcome that shyness, sig says you're the vice president of a car club? That's definitely a good start because it forces you to interact with others within the same realm -- It really can be difficult to randomly meet people with the same views and interests outside of a situation like that. This is one reason i love importatlanta, there is no other site that i can think of with the variety of people and between all the forums & threads then meets & events there's plenty of oppurtunities to easily interact with them.

2) Sometimes you just gotta have balls -- in the case of meeting women say in a grocery store for instance would you ever talk to one? You don't know them and they don't know you so what's it gonna hurt right? Not like you have to drop down on one knee or even ask them out or anything...just a simple statement, comment, or question works and see what kinda of feedback you get. I have chicks all the time call me just to tell me the pick up line someone just told them, normally laughing hysterically with the subject still standing there...lolol. That amuses me but don't do them. Just be yourself.


I hear ya, myspace can be incredible tool if used correctly -- without giving away too many secrets i've recently been shooting alot of concerts at small venues...chat with people here and there and i'll post a few pics up on the bands myspace page then the same ones I talked to see me on there and send a message wanting to meet up again. Honestly it's like fish in a bucket and I don't even have to initiate a single thing, search or browse for people. or anything! haha

If someone was to come up to me in the store or even at work and speak, i feel...i dunno its hard to explain, kinda emabarrased lol. i have trouble like looking @ that person, speaking to them. a casual smile, nothing. I dont like that. I do think intelligence has soemthing to do with it. i'm a VERY intelligent person and sometimes it plays a role, well most times it plays a role in the way that i think or act. I dont think like normal people, i analyze and sometimes over analyze situations more than i should. hell this thread wouldn't have happened if i didn't put myself out on a limb. to some its nothing but to me, it isn't. i dunno im just weird like that i guess.

[speedminded]

If someone was to come up to me in the store or even at work and speak, i feel...i dunno its hard to explain, kinda emabarrased lol. i have trouble like looking @ that person, speaking to them. a casual smile, nothing. I dont like that. I do think intelligence has soemthing to do with it. i'm a VERY intelligent person and sometimes it plays a role, well most times it plays a role in the way that i think or act. I dont think like normal people, i analyze and sometimes over analyze situations more than i should. hell this thread wouldn't have happened if i didn't put myself out on a limb. to some its nothing but to me, it isn't. i dunno im just weird like that i guess.

Trust me, you're talking to the worlds worst at that. I don't really know how to play chess but i'll still make this analogy...in most situations, even just ordinary everyday ones, i'll analayze something and think about the outcome for each move or step i could take...just like you would in a chess match. Does that mean I still make the right choice? hell naw, lol.

If or when someone comes up to me out of the blue it DOES throws me off sometimes, it means I have to just wing the situation because I haven't planned it at all...I normally know what i'm going to say before i say it and have already thought about what responses i could possibly get for each thing I say, haha :-p Do i think too much? The more that happens the better you'll be at it, as everything it takes practice. Is there a way to practice quick wit? I always say it's not the situations you get yourself into but how you handle them. Get comfortable interacting with strangers that you've gone up to and you'll be loaded for those that come to you, no running off with your tail between your legs. Now go watch 40 year old virgin, the library scene is priceless.

It is ok to be reserved, there's plenty of others out there the same way...you'll change that if you want or feel the need to but opening yourself up too much or too quickly can have negative effects too. Gotta find that happy medium you're comfortable with.

[JennB]

Believe me, I know just how you feel. I have certainly improved over the years but nowhere near overcoming it.

When I was a child, I barely talked to anyone. I would slowly open up to friends and other than that, I only talked to my family. As I've gotten older, the thing that has helped most is work. When I was in college, I worked in retail and absolutely had to talk to people almost constantly. Even after years of that and then going on the professional world where I have to talk to clients and coworkers, I still am much more outgoing at work than elsewhere. It's almost like I have two sides of me... I talk to anyone I need to at work and have been complimented on my way of handling people many times but in my personal life, I'm still pretty shy.

Of course I'm loud and silly arounf close friends but it takes a while to get there. I'm always the quiet one in a group and a lot of times I don't think people even realize who I am at meets. Another thing, I'm terrible at calling people. Just as you mentioned overanalyzing everything, I do that as well. I second guess calling people and being more social because I don't know if people want to hear from me.

But anyways.... as I said, the biggest help was work. Also with meeting people in social situations, stick with what you know so it's easier to talk to people. For example, if I went to an event centered around say... wine tasting... I'd be clueless and probably not talk to a single person. But I go to car meets because I can talk to people about cars. Go out a few times and just stop and take a look, compliment the owners of cars and before you know it, you'll have conversations. It's gradual but you have to try.

Good luck.

[speedminded]

Believe me, I know just how you feel. I have certainly improved over the years but nowhere near overcoming it.

I can't imagine Mike being able to help you in that department, haha

[itsjustdee]

i'm shy

[speedminded]

i'm shy

Your bday is 4 days after mine and jenn's is the same day...crazy how everyone with bday's the same week is assisting in the shyness department. So who knocked you up?

~pause button~
[narrator voice like in Hitch] See how easy it to strike up a random conversation? Of course you can't tell someones bday just from looking at them...errr most of us anyways, but you get the point. I also did two parts...there's always a right and wrong way to begin. I assessed the scene and came up with a couple things to say...[/narrator voice like in Hitch]

[OneSlow5pt0]

yea.....im very shy too.i useally wait for someone to talk to me,instead of me talking to them..

[JennB]

Maybe it's a Virgo thing. not that I believe in much of that stuff but technically being a Leo, I'm supposed to be all demanding and center of attention.... yeah right.

[speedminded]

Maybe it's a Virgo thing. not that I believe in much of that stuff but technically being a Leo, I'm supposed to be all demanding and center of attention.... yeah right.

I don't believe it either but i had to come up with something with what lil information i had Last day of Leo for us on most calenders...

[itsjustdee]

good times!

yeah...blame it on cinco de mayo!!

[speedminded]

yeah...blame it on cinco de mayo!!

aw, it's no fun when you're drunk! well, not as much fun anyways

[narrator voice like in Hitch]When all else fails always resort to sexual connotations and innuendos, everything you can say or do works perfectly nearly everytime [/narrator voice like in Hitch]

[Sammich]

back on topic from speedminded's post...being talked out of the blue is the BEST way to get over your fears, it helps you to NOT THINK that much when you do talk to someone/meet someone instead of thinking before you go speak to them. break the ice with a joke ya know, something that is smooth, if you will. it really doesn't take that much to break the ice.

[Tinton]

Heh I know what you mean. But, remember, EVERYONE is like this to a certain degree. You find someone who seems completely outgoing and is having fun with his friends, take him, drop him in a place that's out of his element, and he'll be just as shy. Everyone is quiet and reserved around people they don't know. And just like everyone else if you find a crowd or something that appeals to you you will open up. Trust me, I'm just as shy, but if I'm with friends or the "right" kind of people (hard to explain...I don't know what it means myself) I'll open up and quit being so quiet. It depends on the situation though.

I just don't do shit that makes me uncomfortable, or if its stuff I don't know about. Like, I stopped going to church because I hated it, I would never want to talk to anyone there because it was just about religion.

IA meets are different....and it depends on what we're doing. We sit around, drink, tell jokes, make fun of people, etc etc I don't like going to that kind of stuff. I like actually doing something, or I like talking about cars or whatever. That's why I don't go hang out at Sidelines on Wednesdays anymore, it just doesn't interest me to sit around, drink, and talk about random shit. In that kind of situation nothing really comes to mind to talk about, so I don't talk.

I also hate talking on the phone, or calling people. If I have a definite reason to call someone I'll do it, so we at least have a good topic for the conversation. I never just call someone and let random topics come up. Same thing with answering the phone, if I don't have anything to talk to the person about I don't pick up. If its something that simple they can text me.

[speedminded]

Heh I know what you mean. But, remember, EVERYONE is like this to a certain degree. You find someone who seems completely outgoing and is having fun with his friends, take him, drop him in a place that's out of his element, and he'll be just as shy. Everyone is quiet and reserved around people they don't know. And just like everyone else if you find a crowd or something that appeals to you you will open up. Trust me, I'm just as shy, but if I'm with friends or the "right" kind of people (hard to explain...I don't know what it means myself) I'll open up and quit being so quiet. It depends on the situation though.

I just don't do shit that makes me uncomfortable, or if its stuff I don't know about. Like, I stopped going to church because I hated it, I would never want to talk to anyone there because it was just about religion.

IA meets are different....and it depends on what we're doing. We sit around, drink, tell jokes, make fun of people, etc etc I don't like going to that kind of stuff. I like actually doing something, or I like talking about cars or whatever. That's why I don't go hang out at Sidelines on Wednesdays anymore, it just doesn't interest me to sit around, drink, and talk about random shit. In that kind of situation nothing really comes to mind to talk about, so I don't talk.

I also hate talking on the phone, or calling people. If I have a definite reason to call someone I'll do it, so we at least have a good topic for the conversation. I never just call someone and let random topics come up. Same thing with answering the phone, if I don't have anything to talk to the person about I don't pick up. If its something that simple they can text me.

Great post

My mom asked me the other day why i'm always texting, why not just call? Someone sends me a text to ask or say something and i do the same -- doesn't mean we actually want to talk or even have a full conversation or whatever to talk about...sometimes you just have something short or simple to say and that's it. You can reply when you want, doesn't require a response that second, etc.

[quickdodge®]

Same thing with answering the phone, if I don't have anything to talk to the person about I don't pick up. If its something that simple they can text me.

Your post was ok, except for this part. Pretty shitty of you. You're nobody to just not answer a phone call just because you don't have anything to say to whomever is calling you. You say yourself that you don't call unless you have something specific to talk about. How do you know that's not what the person calling you is doing? Yet you expect them to text you. You kind of bit your nose off to spite your face. I'd rather be alone than to have "friends" like you. Later, QD.

[Sammich]

truth. when i call i'm calling for a reason because i rarely call, i don't like talking personally

[Tinton]

Your post was ok, except for this part. Pretty shitty of you. You're nobody to just not answer a phone call just because you don't have anything to say to whomever is calling you. You say yourself that you don't call unless you have something specific to talk about. How do you know that's not what the person calling you is doing? Yet you expect them to text you. You kind of bit your nose off to spite your face. I'd rather be alone than to have "friends" like you. Later, QD.

Heh, nah, its my phone its my choice whether to answer it or not. Most of the time I DO answer its just people telling me bullshit anyways. They wanna bore me with mundane details of their life or whatever, they can send me an e-mail and I'll read it when I have time. Not having me answer the phone when I'm walking to class, and then I gotta cut them off because I don't have the time to talk to them then.

BTW I was wrong in my original post. I do call people if I do have a specific thing to talk about...but its usually after I told them before that I'd call them. So they at LEAST know what's going on. I rarely ever just call someone out of the blue.

1 of my friends is so annoying he absolutely refuses to use texts. Like, I'll send him 1 and he'll immediately call me. Then he's surprised when the convo stops in like a minute because I don't have anything else to say.

Really, 1 thing that can help you is thinking of topics of conversation. If you want to talk with some random person, just think of things you may have in common. Thinking about the setting can really help, if you're in school talk about classes or something. You're at the grocery store talk about food. You're at an arcade talk about the games. Usually just being in the same place as the other person gives you 1 thing in common.

[quickdodge®]

Heh, nah, its my phone its my choice whether to answer it or not.

I meant to put that I figured you would use this excuse. And you're right. But are you related to Sylvia Brown or John Edwards by any chance? Do you relate to Whoopi Goldberg? How do you know someone is going to call you only to talk about "mundane" things? I don't know, but to me it just seems rude. I cann't be that way. I can't just know that I can call whoever I want whenever I want if I have a specific topic/question and if the other person has a specific topic/question to call about, they have to text me. I guess these damn morals and values just keep getting in the way of the "cool" factor. Later, QD.

[Tinton]

I meant to put that I figured you would use this excuse. And you're right. But are you related to Sylvia Brown or John Edwards by any chance? Do you relate to Whoopi Goldberg? How do you know someone is going to call you only to talk about "mundane" things? I don't know, but to me it just seems rude. I cann't be that way. I can't just know that I can call whoever I want whenever I want if I have a specific topic/question and if the other person has a specific topic/question to call about, they have to text me. I guess these damn morals and values just keep getting in the way of the "cool" factor. Later, QD.

Generational differences.

Many of my friends won't pick up unless they know I'm calling. I'm the same way.

[quickdodge®]

Generational differences.

Lolol. No. But in a way you are right. With each new generation, the generosity, morals, respect towards other people get lower and lower. But, in a technical sense, generations have nothing to do with actual morals. Morals stay the same throughout. People just overlook them.

Many of my friends won't pick up unless they know I'm calling. I'm the same way.

Hmmmm. So you have to make an appointment to call your friends and vice versa? What do you do, mail them a letter saying that you are going to call them at 4:35pm on Monday July 16, 2007? Later, QD.