August 1992 -- I am heading westbound on a highway and see a state police cruiser hidden in the weeds on the other side of the median, scanning eastbound traffic. Like a good little team player that I am I vigorously flash my headlights at the next batch of oncoming vehicles, to warn them of the speed trap they're about to rush into. Didn't realize until it was too late that one of the oncoming cars was also a state trooper. Doh. Said trooper does a u-turn and pulls me over. Cop asks me why i was flashing my headlights. I mumble some bullsh*t answer about trying to get my parking lights on and couldn't get the switch just right (hey gimme a break I was only 19) . Trooper rips me a new one with speech about doing their job for public safety, says he knows exactly what i was doing, and then gives me a ticket for an expired vehicle inspection which ran out 3 days before. I have car inspected with 24 hours of ticket being issued and mail into DA stating that I was out of state on military duties. Also spoke with judge on the telephone for about 15 minutes, his son was thinking of joining the Air Force. We chat, charge dismissed. But, I don't flash my headlights for other drivers anymore, sorry. (NOTE: Even the fact that i was in the military couldn't overcome my blundering excuse to the cop -- I firmly believe that if I said, Yep, I was just trying to help other drivers out and warn them there was a speed trap that he would have let me off with just an ass chewing. Tell the truth with no bullsh*t.)

January 1993 -- Myself and a friend are driving back from home to Hanscom AFB, in separate vehicles. I'm leading he's following. It's 2am , the streets are completely empty and we have the cruise control set on 55 as we travel down a two lane road in the back woods. Unfortunately, as we pass from open road to the still deserted streets of Smalltown USA, I never adjusted the cruise setting. Cop bags both of us for doing 53 in a 30.... says we were 'drag racing'. (Don't drag racers drive side by side and not one in front of the other?). First run in with FAC - makes me empty everything (and I had a lot of sh*t too) from the front cab of my pickup truck so that I can get my registration out of the glove box, in -9 degree weather. I wrote the DA and argue to get charges dropped. DA responds with reduction to 39 in a 30. I agree and DA sends me a bill for $125 dollars. I tell DA to piss off and for the fee of $45 change my drivers license to the state I was stationed at the time, gotta love those southerners.

September 1993 -- While traveling through a small town, I sincerely overlook a sign that lowers the speed limit from 30 to 20 for a construction zone. Crusty 100 year old cop ON FOOT, flags me over to the side of the road. Walks up to the window and starts laughing at my radar detector. Says he's pulled over more people with detectors then without. Says I was doing about 28-29 mph. I am awed. He lets me go after my repeated apologies and promise to be more attentive. (NOTE: Points made on radar detector and fessing up to the truth)

March 1994 -- Late at night, around 11pm'ish, I get pulled over doing 53 in a 30 zone. (You'll see this as a reoccurring theme). Entire encounter with this police officer lasts under 20 seconds. Conversation is as follows:

Cop: Drivers License and Registration please
Ernie: Hands drivers license, registration...and...dum dee dum... military ID card.
Cop: Where ya heading tonight in such a hurry?
Ernie: Home, Sir.
Cop: Where's home? Ernie: Rochester NY.
Officer: Where you coming from?
Ernie: Hanscom Air Force base in Massachusetts.
Officer: Are you in the military?
Ernie: Yes Sir.
Officer: Drive carefully

July 1998 -- After exiting the highway and traveling down a two lane city street, I get bagged doing 53 in a 30 zone. This time I make the fatal mistake of not explaining my side of the story to the cop before he goes back to his cruiser. he gives me ticket and I ass'plain how I was just having a sh*tty day and wasn't paying attention. Cop scratches his head and says if I had said that earlier, he might have just given me a warning, but he'll scribble a note to the DA on his ticket stub. When I show up for traffic court, the prosecutor (Police Sgt in this case) makes me the deal -- either do 8 hours community service or take AAA driver safety course. Driver safety course is $45 for non AAA members, $35 for members. I'm a member. My time's worth more then $4.35 an hour, so I elect the course. So I spend the following Saturday afternoon in a room with a 50'ish male instructor, one 50'ish other male student, one 16 year old male student, and ten 16-17 year old teenage student-chicks. It's summer, so they're all wearing t-shirts. It's air conditioned inside, nice and cold. Everywhere you look there were nipples poking out. I am in heaven. Course completes, I mail certificate to the court, charge dismissed. (NOTE: Explain yourself before the cop writes ticket, work with the DA for alternatives to guilty plea)

November 1998 -- Driving home on NYS thruway, eastbound, right lane, cruise set at 65mph (speed limit). There's an older Saab coming up on my left doing that I'd guess to be about 75-maybe 80. Snaab driver has a radar detector on his dashboard -- I see it as he whizzes past. I see one lone car parked on the top of an overpass, driver's side facing us. There is someone in the car. Looks like he's holding something up. This looks odd to me. My spidey senses go off. I sit back and watch. Man in car on overpass then holds something to his mouth as we pass under him. As we clear the other side of the overpass, I can see a state trooper coming down the entrance ramp on my right, lights on. He merges into traffic and bags... the Saab. (NOTE: Radar detector -- 0, Keeping your eyes open and being an alert driver -- 1)

November 1999 -- On small two lane highway following a few cars in the left lane, we're all doing about 62 in a 55. We pass a cop who has someone pulled over on the right side of the road. Goddamn car full of teenagers ahead of me start to sh*t bricks and slow down to 48 miles per hour in the left lane. I kick off cruise control and end up coasting up pretty close to them before they begin to pick up speed again and pull away back to a reasonable following distance. Cop on side of road happens to look over when we're at our closest point -- about four feet. Cop finishes his roadside stop and merges into traffic. Kids ahead of me are sh*tting bricks and immediately move to right lane, exactly 55 mph, two hands on the wheel, eyes straight ahead, looks like he's got a load of sh*t in his pants, etc, etc, etc. Young kid stuff. I resume cruise at 62 and continue merrily along my way. Cruise comes up behind me, but I'm not shaken, no way, nuh uh, not me sir. I continue merrily along at 62mph. After all, the cops always give you a few miles per.....woo woo woo woo woo... I can't believe it. This guy's pulling me over! So he gets me over and I'm a good little boy, pull right over, give him room, both hands on the wheel when he approaches, etc. he gets up to the window and this kid can't be any more then 22 years old. He's still got pimples!!!! I'm thinking to myself, You have got to be kidding me. But none the less, pimples or no pimples, he's obviously passed the requirements to become a Mass state trooper, so let's play ball. I go through my 'didn't think anything of it' speech, and how I thought 62 was perfectly acceptable in a 55 zone in mild traffic on a perfectly sunny day, yes sir, no sir. He takes my stuff back to his car and I'm going bullsh*t. I'm steaming. I can't believe I'm going to get a ticket for this -- seven miles over. So he comes back and gives me -- dum dee dum -- a written warning. Wow, my first written warning. He goes through the speech he has to do, you know, 55 mph speed limit means 55, not 56, not 57, not 62, but 55. I do the yes sir, no sir thing, and we part ways. No harm done. (NOTE: Give respect no matter how young they are, male or female, and make sure you get the chance to tell your side of the story).

Now, am I advocating speeding? of course not. Am I offering any type of guarantee that if you follow my tips, you'll get out of every speeding ticket? No, of course not. But if you do, I'm sure you'll have much better odds. Learn from my errors. Become one with my wisdom.

Well kids, that's all I've got. If you're a cop, and ONLY if you are a cop, and have some feedback, comments, and suggestions or would like to share your experience on this matter, please send me an e-mail.

Speed safely!