(b) Don't challenge the cop's testimony. I've read a few books, seen a few websites -- that suggest going to trial and pulling the well officer, did you use your tuning forks in accordinance with state laws bullsh*t. In my opinion, unless you're an honest to goodness lawyer (no pun intended), don't go here. Not only do you stand a good chance of screwing up and sh*tting all over your own shoes, but you also stand a good chance of pissing the cop and prosecutor off. For all you know, the officer testifying against you could be the godfather to the judge's son. If this court's local to you, that means you're likely to see this cop again, and having embarrassed him in court is not going to make him recall you too fondly. Not to mention cops network. If the cop says you were speeding, then guess what brother, you were speeding. Accept this as truth and work with it. Try to be your own little Parry Mason and they prosecutor -- who has seen your type come and go a hundred times -- will eat you alive. And don't piss and moan over little inconsistencies on the ticket -- Your honor, the officer wrote on the ticket that my vehicle is green, while you can clearly see in this picture my car is turquoise. It's your ticket, and playing tomato or tomatto isn't going to get you anything but screwed'o.

(c). Dress for success. I'm not saying you have to show up in a business suit, but a rule of thumb is wear something that you'd wear to a nice restaurant. Your jeans with the ripped knees and your faded Iron Maiden concert t-shirt ain't gonna get you far. Look like a responsible person who merely wasn't paying attention for a few minutes, you're not a clueless a**hole and you might get the better end of the stick.

Part IV. Miscellaneous Tidbits

(a). Bumper stickers. Choose them wisely, my prodigal son. Personally , I avoid any bumper sticker that is related to any hot issues -- politics, abortion, gun control, even sports. Why? Well, me, I hate the Buffalo Bills. One of the only few Raider games I went to see was at Buffalo -- 26 degrees with a wind chill of -40. My feet were so cold I had to take my gloves off and put them on my feet to get any feeling back in them. And the Bills won 30-27. This was winter of 1988. And I say to you now, that if I were a cop and pulled over some bastard with a Buffalo Bills bumper sticker, I'm going to ticket that prick for everything I'm worth. And I'm going to make his 17 year old daughter blow me while I'm at it. And if you've got a bumper sticker like, Bad cop! No donut! -- well, pretty much...you're screwed.

(b) Car color. Speeding ticket red. Speeding ticket yellow. Neutral black. Neutral Green. Neutral Blue. Slow white. Slow brown. Queer purple.

(c) Vehicle maintenance. Remember, the cop's job is to keep the roads safe. And even though they won't admit it, most cops won't even bat an eye if you break the speed limit by 5-6 miles an hour. But mechanically speaking, a brand new Audi TT Quattro is a whole lot more capable of doing 80mph then your beat up 1974 Chevy Impala with four mismatched tires and squeaky rear brakes. A cop's got to take this into consideration also.

(e) The a**hole Cop. While 90% of the cops I've ever had the delightful pleasure to meet on the job have been very courteous, polite, understanding and generally concerned with the welfare of the public, you will occasionally meet a F*cking A**hole Cop (FAC). I've met one. He was one of the tickets I got (beat that one). Should the gods frown upon you and place this FAC in your path, just sit down, keep your mouth shut, resist the urge to call him a **** sucker, and start making your plans for speaking to the prosecutor about your case. I'd *like* to be optimistic and say that all cops are good people and the only time you'll run into a FAC is when they've just simply had a bad day, but who knows. Cops are people too -- they have fights with spouses, sick children, a**hole bosses of their own, letters from bill collectors, etc, keep this in mind then explaining yourself in rule 2f above, and that might be to your advantage.

(f) Military. If you're in the military, you can for the most part drive wherever you want, whenever you want, however fast you want. When the cop asks for drivers license and registration, hand him your military ID also. They'll inevitably say, I didn't ask for this. And you reply in your best basic-training-broken-spirited-i-am-a-sheep-who-respects-all-authority voice that, Well, my first sergeant said that anytime we had any interaction with the police of any kind, we had to identify ourselves as US military. This shows Mr. Police Officer two things: one, you normally follow the rules; and two, you're in the military so you're at least not some wacked out drug dealer who's going to pull a 9mm Glock on them. Not to mention the overwhelming majority of cops out there are prior-military themselves, thus spawning feelings of instant camaraderie because you both shared the uniform and both got paid **** sh*t while you were in. A US Military ID is pretty much a get out of jail free card, unless you're a complete and total jerk to the cop, you're speeding on a military base (duh), or you're in Singapore.

(g) One person states that their cop friend would have the tendency to let people go if they had a hard time finding their registration. The mind set being if they don't know where their registration is, then they haven't needed it in a long time, so they must not have been pulled over in a long time. This strikes me as kinda dumb. Granted, this person was from Alabama, so you do the math. If it was me, I'd get pissed off waiting, get tired of you wasting my time, run your plates and give you two tickets.

(h) A Rabbit. Personally, I prefer this technique, should I be on the interstate on a long drive. Find a car traveling about the same speed that you would LIKE to be traveling. Drive slowly until he passes you, and then scooch over into his lane and ride about 1/4 mile behind him (if you're European and can't translate 1/4 mile into kilometers, touch luck). Should the our rabbit pass a speed trap, the officer will flip on his lights and start to make his way to merge into traffic, thus giving you sufficient time to slow down and blend in like any other good little driver. If things go off as planned, the cop pulls over our rabbit, and we drive merrily along.

(i) Tits. Believe it or not - and I can't believe I'm saying this but based upon feedback from several cops I have to - you have to hide em girls. Yeah I know, "Who am I and what did I do with Ernie?" Well, one of the cops wrote in with this pearl of wisdom, and I guess it made a lot of sense. He said, "Your badge may get you *****, but ***** will get your badge." And really girls you only have yourself to blame. You see what happens is these hot bitches will get pulled over and issued tickets... and then they'll file complaints against the officers who ticketd them claiming said officer only pulled them over to flirt and get their telephone number. So, most of the cops who wrote in actually say if they pull over some chick and she tries to turn on her cleavage charm, they write her up for everything they can think of just to eliminate any sense of doubt... speeding, no signal lights, no seat belt, tail light out, throwing out their gum, whatever. So girls, keep those tits covered. God, I can't believe I just said that. Oh, and no crying either. That's just annoying and makes us want to slap you.

(j) Weapons. Laws vary by state to state regarding the carrying a weapon in your vehicle, so you're on your own when it comes to following your particular state's P's and Q's on the matter. If you're carrying illegally, I hope the cop shoots you and your passengers dead, and then pushes your car off the side of the road so I have less traffic to contend with. If you are legally carrying a weapon in your vehicle -- ESPECIALLY if you have a concealed weapon permit -- I'd imagine it's be in your best interest to make the officer aware of this as well. Bad way: Yeah I use my Glock 9 to weight down my registration so it doesn't get... blown away... when I have my windows down. Instead perhaps, much like the military ID, I'd present any CCW permit when you hand over your license and registration. Good way: Officer one thing I do want to make sure you're aware of is that I am licensed to carry a concealed weapon, here's a copy of my permit. I just didn't want you to be alarmed should you check my driver's license and find out I'm licensed to carry. Said officer may ask to take control over your little friend during the duration of the traffic stop, and you be a good little doobie and let them. If you're all legal, you'll get it back, and the cop will appreciate your forwardness. This all rolls up into the Cop's Safety rule from 2C above.

(k) Weather. What is a speed limit and how is it established? Check your drivers book -- a speed limit is the maximum speed you can travel based upon various factors: road visibility, proximity to residential areas, historical traffic accident data for that stretch of road, and the most important thing -- is set for IDEAL weather conditions. The 65mph highway speed limit sign means you can travel up to 65mph on a bright, clear, dry, sunny day. If a cop sees you doing 65mph at night, in blinding fog, guess what -- he CAN (and most likely will) give you a speeding ticket. Honest Injun. And considering that he'll have to really put the hammer down to catch you -- thus endangering his own life so that you don't run into a bus load of nuns, he's going to be mighty pissed off when he finally gets to your window. And we all know pissed off cops aren't what we want.

(l) Already pulled over. Is is it safe to go speeding past a cop who's already got someone pulled over? Well, safe for you? Probably. If he's speaking to the other driver (who most likely hasn't read this so doesn't have the knowledge you do and thus will most likely be getting a ticket), then he obviously isn't at his radar gun. I suppose that it could be an elaborate speed trap with one marked and one unmarked police car, just simply radioing ahead to more cops a mile down the road. But let me make one thing very clear. If you DON'T slow down when you're passing a cop involved in a traffic stop on the side of the road -- or a construction crew patching holes, or a guy changing his tire, or kids playing catch, or anything else of that nature -- then you're an a**hole. Let's say that you should slow down 1/8 of a mile before these people and continue 1/8 of a mile afterwards before speeding back up to your regular pace -- for a total of 1/4 of a mile at the lower speed. At 80mph (11.5 seconds) vs 60mph (15 seconds), over that 1/4 mile stretch of road, you'd save yourself a whopping 3.5 seconds. Is that really worth the one in a million shot the the cop trips on a rock walking back to his car and stumbles into the right hand lane? Or trying to control your car after a tire blowout that sends you careening towards the shoulder of the road? 15 seconds.

Part V. Case Studies

August 1989 -- I have had my license all of three days. I am visiting my friend. I am driving home. I am doing 43 in a 30mph zone. I am pulled over. Cop asks me what the hell I'm doing. Cop reads me the riot act and mercifully lets me go without a ticket. it is now I think to myself that perhaps I should develop some sort of defensive procedures.

Winter 1990 -- Traveling northbound on highway, left most lane, and I suddenly out of the blue, a cop who's parked in the right shoulder of the road flips on his lights as I barrel towards him. I am all alone at the head of a big pack of traffic. I look down at my speedometer -- 68 -- speed limit is 55. I am stone cold busted. I immediately take the next exit off the highway, fully intending to get pulled over, while said police officer turns around and maneuvers his car into traffic and proceeds to haul ass down the highway in hot pursuit. I merrily watch from my exit ramp as police cruiser, in full lights display, flying down the highway to beat the band. I make immediate tracks for a shopping mall and park my inconspicuous car among the sea of other salt-crusted cars. I play Centipede. (NOTE: I am lucky as a bastard. Not using my best radar detector -- my eyes, and traveling all alone in the left lane.)