Some of the people in this thread are so wrong it's sad.

And I'm not talking about the religous people - they're on point with everything that they said. Here's a little story. The other day I had a dream - a dream that I went to heave and talked to Jesus our Lord and Savior, and when I woke up I had a message from him embedded in my mind. This is what he had to say...


Quote Originally Posted by Jesus Christ
So here in heaven, far away from listening to you idiots, let me make a couple things crystal clear, ok?

Its getting to where a savior cant even take a serious dump anymore without one of you undignified cretins crying about something. I mean, come on.
You know how much fiber I eat? The bread of life? You think just because I can walk on water I can just make those gas pains dissapear?

And you, the evangelist who says I turned water into grape juice instead of wine, lemme give your children a mild case of cancer, ok? You think god doesnt need to tie one on once in awhile? You know how much bitching I hear on a secondly basis? And man, how much I just want to forget? You fools think Helen Keller had it rough, shit, lemme get that for a couple centries, a large order of fries, and see how you whining, crying children are afterwards.


So, for all you clowns looking for foregiveness, yeah, yeah, yeah...


These are the exact words that he said. In my dream we had a nice chat and afterwards I've come to love Jesus. Haha, he's actually a really kewl dude once you get to know him. Though I wouldn't want to get on his bad side - one day you might wake up with a 6 inch dick instead of a nose if you do.

What I realized is that even though people create churches for him and make music he really doesn't care about that. I mean think about it, guys. What did he get for dying for our sins? We write songs about him? Shit, they write songs about anyone now a days. See what I am saying? You think any of that money you guys put in collection plates goes to him? Sorry, but there are no bank accounts in heaven.

Also, in my dream Jesus and I were getting drunk and smoking pot it was awesome! We then snorted some righteous coke off the chest of Anna Nicole after we gave her an extreme Heavenly makeover. Convert people. Heaven is out of this world! Can't wait til I really get there.