Originally Posted by
TheSnail
mmm... let me explain what depression is. I started life with being beaten to the point ol losing consciousness. My brother had every thing, and my dad always told I would never be anything just like I was never anything. It got to the point that my mom, which was much nicer than my dad, said I could not even become a trashman because I would not be able to read the street signs. I became a criminal from then on. not as an excuse to be one, but because my partners in crime could relate. I started smoking cigs in the 4th grade, and by 6th grade I was moved up to smoking 2packs a day, smoking herb, and breaking into cars 4 nights out of the week. 7th grade, we started heavier drugs, and more heartless actions. I was tripping every weekend and started with the coke. I started paying no mind to any one. I was becoming a person with no feelings. 8th grade, I was dealing guns. I was the one running shit on our side of town (Durham NC). It was a surprise to most that this 8th grader was selling them (25+year olds) fully automatics Norico's. I built my own connections, and got respect from the highest up. But when it came to my family, it was no respect. Though with me I got respect from the "bad people" since they were my family. I did not care for my life at all, it did not mater to me what happened. I even offered the elders a $300 charge per person, though know one took me up on it. I went to class with a binder of Polaroids of guns for sale. At this point no one in HS would want talk bad about my brother because they knew who his brother was, even though I was in 8th grade. Though my brother was a bitch. He would use any opportunity to rat me out inorder to make himself look better infront of my parents. I would pass his room fully furnished with a computer and all, and go to my room were there was only a mattress. It did not bother me, because my family was out side the house, and despite my brother being a dickhead, he was still my brother, and I loved him unconditionally. Which brings me to when someone did fuck with him. This preppy kid and his friends got their hand on my brothers CD's and through them in some ones yard. That was a good enough reason for me to fuck with him (matt). They had a field trip the next day, where they needed to be at school at 6am. I was out at Matts house at 3am filling his car locks with super glue and running the rest of it on the nice white paint of his Vigor. It was a nice gesture on my behalf, only disabling him from driving to school and fucking up the paint. One week later at a party, he told me, that "I know you did it". I told him "and", and thats when his boy jumped in. I talked shit to the little bitch for 5mins, then went to the field, and came back with an AK. Despite what I said (I was drunk and it was the first thing that came to my head) "I will blow you away to the wild wild west and shit" ( the name of a will smith movie) it scared them shitless. People scattered, one of the owners of the house came out with brass knuckles, and the others were trying to make things fine. Non the less I ruined that party. Though the next day, durring school, that Matt kid went up to my brother and apologized. That was not the end of the ak though. A couple of weeks later, one of my friends gets in trouble. He sold a dim to this 7th grader that got caught by his mom. The 7th graders mom called my friends mom and my friend got grounded. That 7th grader lived a 1/2 mile away from me so I when I found out, the next night I went to the field (1/4mile the opposite direction) and got the ak. I went to his house and lite that fucker up from the neighbors yard. Gun shots seem alot louder at 2am, and I started running. I stopped running after 500ft because I felt tired, and looking back I dont think I even knew what I did. looking back, I could give a rats ass on being caught. I had nothing else but to serve my "outside" family. I dont think I realized the amount of shit I just committed, it was all a fake world. Any ways Im just blabbering on, so let me try to get back on subject and speed it up. The next year I was in 9th grade. though I got expelled on the 2nd week of school for bringing a Taurus 380 to my shop class. It was shop class, I was redfinishing the wood grips on it. The kid sitting behind me got scared and asked to go to the restroom. I did not think anything of it until 3 police officers and the principle came to the class 5 minutes later. My first felony. That kid that rat'd me out was beaten senseless till he had to transfer schools 2weeks later. I was now away from every one. I was stuck in the house on house arrest for 3 months, with my parents that I did not communicate with. I was a threat to them since 7th grade, so they could not do anything, but that resulted in being disconnected. I hated the fucker ever since I could remember, so I could car less, but being on house arrest shit was boring. Long story short, I went back to school next year. * im going to skip a bunch of stories, because this is taking too long to write* , failed, went to summer school, got kicked out for smoking and throwing the principle into the wall for raising his voice at me. This was when I had to moved to GA. This is when things when to shit. I now had nothing. My people were gone. I did some dirt the first time I met some one down here, to let them know who I was. It was a bunch of children though. I felt out of place, now one could connect, no one was like me. So I became them. Excessive drugs. The major down fall. No crime, just drugs. A HS drop out, now I was working at eckard 50hrs a week. I was doing every drug in the book. To elude the depression, every night I would go to the "party house" and get real fucked up on what ever I could. Nights, where the owner of the house had the phone in his hand laying on the bed with 911 on redial. I did not care, just in that night, I started off with 2 rolls, "floated the boat" with some meth, snorted 5 OxyCottons, and finished the night with a 6pk (6pk may not sound like much, but with OC in the mix, it gets quite nasty). It was 8 in the morning, I am the only one up, It is in the middle of summer, yet Im sitting in the middle of the room, shivering as if its 30deg. This continued for another year. I did not do anything when I was not getting fucked up, and that was where the real shitty depression was. Every time I wasnt at the party house I was ancy, but when it was day I wanted to end my life. I worked only to feel better at night that made my self worse during the day. It got serious, I did not sleep since I was arguing with my self. I was arguing with the piggy bank and the wall. Not that I saw them talking, but I would, in my mind, put words in their mouth. I would get really pissed off, Im causing the situation, but every time I was all into it, as if the wall was some one else. It was not much longer before I had to get away. It was self rehab. I went to an old friends house in TN. I got there and I could not finish sentences. I would get stuck on words as simple as "and" and "the". It did not take long for me to get mentally better, but I ran out of money. I did some thing bad and I had to leave TN. I came back to GA, I went to work and separated my self from the drugs. Thats all I did. shit got boring, real fast, 2 months later I was on the greyhound going back to nc. Back to the family. I got 3 jobs, with no car. the first paycheck I got went to buying a gun. I always said back then, "if you have a gun, you wont run out of money". Well that all changed after less then three months of living back home. It snowed, the kids were sleding while my best friend and I were on top of the hill with the gun drinking. I thought it would be a perfect time to do some dirt, since it was snowed over and I though the patrol cars could drive anywere. Wrong. I went to jail that night on 4 felony's. While I was in jail, it made me think. I needed to change, and to do so I needed an education. Once I got out I went back to Ga, and got my GED. then I got into Chattahoochee, and finished the year with a 3.8 . It was boring but I was doing something good for my self, which was motivating enough. But the boringness caught up, and I started putting my time to some thing. It was 240's. I bought one, learned about it, started building them, and soon after thats all that I did. But then I started drinking excessively. my 3.8 dropped to a 1.7 within two semesters. To the point I dropped out of school and just worked on 240's. I had my own little unregistered business for a while, and made good money, but I would get up everyday with a hangover and the days would all be the same. Drinking all night soon became not enough, so I started drinking when ever I was awake. 6months later my skin was yellowish green my eyes were yellow, and I was in jail with a DUI. I needed to get back to school. went back and started off good but witha lack of modivation, it ended bad. After a short period of time, shit gets boring. It fucks with you mentally. It's depressive, knowing all you have to do, is work on some car, you have no family, you dont do anything but sit here and drink everyday, with each day being the same, and each day getting to you more and more. I think I am strong, due to the fact I am still here if you know what I mean, but every thing has a limit. So let my self pitty encourage you. Your girlfriend broke up with you, you can move on. I am an excriminal/ failure/ a shell of a man, with no heart, no love, no motivation left. You have a life ahead of you, dont let that shit bother you, everything is fine.
Reply With Quote