Today has been epic win..

here are just a few:

(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

(719): so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.

(650): my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
(415): and she bought it?!?
(650): yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

(905): She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
(416): Got yourself a keeper right there.

(425): Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
(1-425): I hate you

(971): I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.

(845): If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

(615): The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.