Proud Texan Father

[babygurl]

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

[babygurl]

I Thought You Were My Wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[The Golden Child]

ahahahahaha on a roll today ..

[babygurl]

State Of The Art Watch
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[babygurl]

All Lawyers are Assholes
A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

[The Golden Child]

bahahahaha thats a good one ..

[babygurl]

Can I Smell Something
A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"

The drunk man replies......."Oh, then it must be your feet."

[babygurl]

Extremely Drunk
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

"How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[The Golden Child]

bahahahaha ..

[babygurl]

3 Shots of Whiskey
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

[The Golden Child]

LIRL must be a blonde man .. HAHAHAHAHA !!!

[Wurm]

lol good stuff keep it coming

[Ran]

The telepathic watch was good. Could make for a useful pickiup line.

[SixSquared]

The telepathic watch was good. Could make for a useful pickiup line.

I've used a line similiar to it with pretty good results...

Asked a girl if her watch had a pantydropper alarm on it (the drink of the night was a pink panty dropper that night, so I got away with this).

After a quick "WTF?" look from her, I said "you know... a pantydropper alarm... it goes off when your panties have been on to long."

She was laughing and babbling about something when I pulled out my phone, flipped it open, hit a button, and put it back.

She asks what that was all about.

I said it was my alarm.

I thought that one up after hearing the watch joke.

Another great Emily moment:

After I got my new computer, I was telling my friend (with benefits) about it, and I was telling her about the DVD burner... the conversation went on, and after a few minutes, I said "You know, we should go on an old fashioned date... dinner and a movie".. she was like "awww... so sweet.." and then I was like "Yup... You can be dinner and we'll make a movie!"

[The Golden Child]

hahahaha if it works you let me know ..

[The Golden Child]

lolz ..

[Stormhammer]

... i thought she was straight edged... whoops haha