For my sixty five birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased
>a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
>
>Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
>football team 45
>years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
>a
>try.
>
>I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
>named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
>instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
>My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
>The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress . . .
>
>MONDAY
>
>Started my day at 6:00 a.m.
>
>Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
>arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
>
>She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes
>and a dazzling white
>smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
>Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
>
>She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
>
>She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to
>standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.
>
>I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
>she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
>
>Very inspiring.
>
>Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
>already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
>
>This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
>
>TUESDAY
>
>I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
>
>Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
>air --then she put weights on it!
>
>My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
>mile.
>
>Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
>
>I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
>
>WEDNESDAY
>
>The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
>the
>counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
>
>I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
>
>Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
>
>I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
>Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
>other
>club members.
>
>Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
>and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY
>annoying.
>
>My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
>stair monster.
>
>Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
>activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
>
>Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
>
>She said some other shit too.
>
>THURSDAY
>
>Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
>her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
>
>I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to
>tie my shoes.
>
>Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
>
>When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
>
>She sent Lars to find me.
>
>Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine.
>
>Which I sank.
>
>
>FRIDAY
>
>I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
>any other human being in the history of the world.
>
>Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
>
>If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
>I would beat her with it.
>
>Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
>
>I don't have any triceps!
>
>And if you don't want dents in the floor,
>don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that
>weighs more than a sandwich.
>
>The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
>teacher.
>
>Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
>like the drama coach or the choir director?
>
>SATURDAY
>
>Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
>shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
>
>Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
>
>However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
>up catching eleven
>straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
>
>SUNDAY
>
>
>I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
>and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
>year
>my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
>root canal or a vasectomy.