jokes before you go to bed NWS (little bit)

[JASONBALL]

how to get your wife or signifigant other to stop smoking.

[JASONBALL]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,


HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.


HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.


FINE,


THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO


FINE, SHE SAYS

THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.


I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!


SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...................................


HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME.


AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.


AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.


HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.


JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.


HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.


HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?


SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO....
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

[JASONBALL]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out."I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said."I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

[BTLFED]

HAHAHAHA!

Reps for you!

[JASONBALL]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

[JASONBALL]

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him!

[Bishop]

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him!

LOLOL after the first post i was like what?

[JASONBALL]

For my sixty five birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased
>a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
>
>Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
>football team 45
>years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
>a
>try.
>
>I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
>named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
>instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
>My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
>The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress . . .
>
>MONDAY
>
>Started my day at 6:00 a.m.
>
>Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
>arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
>
>She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes
>and a dazzling white
>smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
>Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
>
>She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
>
>She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to
>standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.
>
>I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
>she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
>
>Very inspiring.
>
>Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
>already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
>
>This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
>
>TUESDAY
>
>I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
>
>Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
>air --then she put weights on it!
>
>My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
>mile.
>
>Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
>
>I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
>
>WEDNESDAY
>
>The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
>the
>counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
>
>I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
>
>Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
>
>I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
>Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
>other
>club members.
>
>Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
>and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY
>annoying.
>
>My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
>stair monster.
>
>Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
>activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
>
>Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
>
>She said some other shit too.
>
>THURSDAY
>
>Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
>her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
>
>I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to
>tie my shoes.
>
>Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
>
>When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
>
>She sent Lars to find me.
>
>Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine.
>
>Which I sank.
>
>
>FRIDAY
>
>I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
>any other human being in the history of the world.
>
>Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
>
>If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
>I would beat her with it.
>
>Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
>
>I don't have any triceps!
>
>And if you don't want dents in the floor,
>don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that
>weighs more than a sandwich.
>
>The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
>teacher.
>
>Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
>like the drama coach or the choir director?
>
>SATURDAY
>
>Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
>shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
>
>Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
>
>However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
>up catching eleven
>straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
>
>SUNDAY
>
>
>I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
>and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
>year
>my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
>root canal or a vasectomy.

[JASONBALL]

SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us "Old Folks" are quite confused about how we should present
ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following
combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop