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Thread: FML

  1. 03-23-2009, 12:31 PM #1
    On_Her_Face
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    Default FML

    Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

    Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

    Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
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  2. 03-23-2009, 12:34 PM #2
    Brian*
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    Damn LOLOL
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  3. 03-23-2009, 12:41 PM #3
    TheGodfather
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    I'm 100% sure that 90% of those on that site are made up.

    Funny none-the-less, but still fake.

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  4. 03-23-2009, 01:17 PM #4
    NVEOUS
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    Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those 70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML
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  5. 03-23-2009, 01:46 PM #5
    Alan®
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    Bwahahaha oh man some of this shit is fucked up
    Quote Originally Posted by Alan®
    Nah not even. theres not enough alcohol on the planet that would convince me to bang that chick.I wouldn't hit that with Magic Johnson's dick.....on second thought
    Epic Foxbody Thread Crew Member #10
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  6. 03-23-2009, 01:48 PM #6
    90_ACCORD
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    haha i love that site
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  7. 03-23-2009, 02:15 PM #7
    On_Her_Face
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    Quote Originally Posted by NVEOUS
    Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those 70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML
    I could see this one being true..































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  8. 03-23-2009, 02:25 PM #8
    NVEOUS
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    Today, I accidently walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her "Need a hand with that?", to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it". FML
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  9. 03-23-2009, 02:34 PM #9
    GLulic
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    Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
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  10. 03-23-2009, 02:34 PM #10
    mocha latte cupcake
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    first person to post 10 more of these gets +16 from me.
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  11. 03-23-2009, 02:35 PM #11
    SpeedMonkey
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    I met a chick, who had a sexy bulging stomach... I ask her if i can buy her a drink she replies "sure, just nothing with alcohol please".. figured she didn't want to drink something hard because she's pregnant, the conversation goes well.. she flirts, her body language is promising.. she asks what encouraged me to approach her, i tell her i have a thing for pregnant women, she says.. with a confused look on her face, " i was a vegetarian, i started eating beef and i guess i've gained weight" FML..

    i dismiss myself, and call her a disgusting fat whore.
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  12. 03-23-2009, 02:42 PM #12
    GLulic
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    Quote Originally Posted by PURE jdm
    first person to post 10 more of these gets +16 from me.
    lol not worth it.
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  13. 03-23-2009, 02:43 PM #13
    SpeedMonkey
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    Quote Originally Posted by GLulic
    lol not worth it.
    you're a faggot.
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  14. 03-23-2009, 02:44 PM #14
    On_Her_Face
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpeedMonkey
    I met a chick, who had a sexy bulging stomach... I ask her if i can buy her a drink she replies "sure, just nothing with alcohol please".. figured she didn't want to drink something hard because she's pregnant, the conversation goes well.. she flirts, her body language is promising.. she asks what encouraged me to approach her, i tell her i have a thing for pregnant women, she says.. with a confused look on her face, " i was a vegetarian, i started eating beef and i guess i've gained weight" FML..

    i dismiss myself, and call her a disgusting fat whore.
    Who are you?
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  15. 03-23-2009, 02:47 PM #15
    GLulic
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpeedMonkey
    you're a faggot.
    seriously who are you?
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  16. 03-23-2009, 02:47 PM #16
    NVEOUS
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    Today, I arrived at my parents house for dinner. When I got there, I noticed that they had gay pride flags hanging from the porch, and gay rights bumper stickers plastered to their cars. There was also a huge "We accept you, Nick" banner hanging from the garage. I'M NOT GAY! FML
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  17. 03-23-2009, 02:47 PM #17
    SpeedMonkey
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    Quote Originally Posted by LS3_KID
    Who are you?

    *sean connery accent*...

    honestly?.... well..................................... yo motherfucking daddy
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  18. 03-23-2009, 02:47 PM #18
    NVEOUS
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    Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML
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  19. 03-23-2009, 02:48 PM #19
    SpeedMonkey
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    Quote Originally Posted by GLulic
    seriously who are you?
    the guy who isn't pathetic enough to put hot chicks on his Signature.
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  20. 03-23-2009, 02:48 PM #20
    mocha latte cupcake
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    spedjunkie j00r back! lol where you been ho?
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  21. 03-23-2009, 02:49 PM #21
    GLulic
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpeedMonkey
    the guy who isn't pathetic enough to put hot chicks on his Signature.
    ohhh you're the gay guy of IA?
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  22. 03-23-2009, 02:50 PM #22
    SpeedMonkey
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    Quote Originally Posted by GLulic
    ohhh you're the gay guy of IA?
    yeah, well.. i guess i could be, if we were both cell mates im sure id be pulp fiction pumping your white boy ass right about now.
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  23. 03-23-2009, 02:52 PM #23
    SpeedMonkey
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    Quote Originally Posted by PURE jdm
    spedjunkie j00r back! lol where you been ho?
    grown man things, such as.. staying away from honda S2k's

    i've always found it humorous that S2k rhymes with its too gay. must be the white boy in me.
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  24. 03-23-2009, 02:52 PM #24
    On_Her_Face
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    Speedmonkey, you haven't been on in forever, still working on the same place?
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  25. 03-23-2009, 02:52 PM #25
    GLulic
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpeedMonkey
    yeah, well.. i guess i could be, if we were both cell mates im sure id be pulp fiction pumping your white boy ass right about now.
    wow you're gay.you didn't even say no homo.you fudge packer.
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  26. 03-23-2009, 02:53 PM #26
    SpeedMonkey
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    Quote Originally Posted by LS3_KID
    Speedmonkey, you haven't been on in forever, still working on the same place?
    same 2 places, yes. I'm mexican, i work alot.

    lol.

    how you been cock-asian?
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  27. 03-23-2009, 02:53 PM #27
    SpeedMonkey
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    Quote Originally Posted by GLulic
    wow you're gay.you didn't even say no homo.you fudge packer.
    i guess you didnt understand me at all... i simply said.. if i were gay, you'd be my girlfriend.
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  28. 03-23-2009, 02:56 PM #28
    GLulic
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpeedMonkey
    i guess you didnt understand me at all... i simply said.. if i were gay, you'd be my girlfriend.
    you're not a very smart gay guy are you?your fag friends must be ashamed of you.
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  29. 03-23-2009, 02:58 PM #29
    SpeedMonkey
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    Quote Originally Posted by GLulic
    you're not a very smart gay guy are you?your fag friends must be ashamed of you.
    maybe, but not as much as your parents are of you... we've heard them whisper to each other.. ::YOUR MOTHER::: "i TOLD you to cum on my tits... now look what happened"..
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  30. 03-23-2009, 03:00 PM #30
    NVEOUS
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    Today, I found out my angry ex girlfriend put Nair in my shampoo before moving out of my dorm. I'm now balding at 19. FML

    Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML

    Today, while working my cash register a man who was 6’3” came in dressed really nice and ordered. After he ordered I asked why he was dressed so nice he responded ”I’m going to court for stalking pretty girls like you”. Our nametags have full names. FML

    Today, while changing my tampon in the stall of my high school's bathroom, I lost control of the plastic applicator. The blood-covered apparatus shot out like a rocket underneath the stall door. For a moment I thought no one noticed, then the screaming began. FML

    Today, I went to the Doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

    Today, while working on a carpentry project with my friend at 2am, and enjoying some beers, I cut my hand and realized I needed medical attention. Neither of us being in driving shape, I knocked on my parents bedroom door to request a ride. I was told I had to wait for them to "finish." FML

    Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

    Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

    Today, I got stoned at a party for the first time. On the drive home I sat at an intersection waiting for the green light for few minutes. I finally realized the green light was never coming. So did the cop behind me. I was at a stop sign. FML

    Today, I was stuck in what I thought was traffic on my way home from work. I started weaving in and out of traffic because it seemed to only be a few cars holding up the line. I get to the front of the line and I'd realized I just weaved through a funeral procession. FML
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  31. 03-23-2009, 03:01 PM #31
    GLulic
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpeedMonkey
    maybe, but not as much as your parents are of you... we've heard them whisper to each other.. ::YOUR MOTHER::: "i TOLD you to cum on my tits... now look what happened"..
    wow lol you totally flipped this thing around.i don't have time for mom jokes right now(work ftmfl),we shall continue this later lol.
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  32. 03-23-2009, 03:02 PM #32
    GLulic
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    Quote Originally Posted by NVEOUS
    Today, I found out my angry ex girlfriend put Nair in my shampoo before moving out of my dorm. I'm now balding at 19. FML

    Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML

    Today, while working my cash register a man who was 6’3” came in dressed really nice and ordered. After he ordered I asked why he was dressed so nice he responded ”I’m going to court for stalking pretty girls like you”. Our nametags have full names. FML

    Today, while changing my tampon in the stall of my high school's bathroom, I lost control of the plastic applicator. The blood-covered apparatus shot out like a rocket underneath the stall door. For a moment I thought no one noticed, then the screaming began. FML

    Today, I went to the Doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

    Today, while working on a carpentry project with my friend at 2am, and enjoying some beers, I cut my hand and realized I needed medical attention. Neither of us being in driving shape, I knocked on my parents bedroom door to request a ride. I was told I had to wait for them to "finish." FML

    Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

    Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

    Today, I got stoned at a party for the first time. On the drive home I sat at an intersection waiting for the green light for few minutes. I finally realized the green light was never coming. So did the cop behind me. I was at a stop sign. FML

    Today, I was stuck in what I thought was traffic on my way home from work. I started weaving in and out of traffic because it seemed to only be a few cars holding up the line. I get to the front of the line and I'd realized I just weaved through a funeral procession. FML
    wow you want those rep points.


    suck up.jk lol
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  33. 03-23-2009, 03:03 PM #33
    SpeedMonkey
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    Quote Originally Posted by GLulic
    wow lol you totally flipped this thing around.i don't have time for mom jokes right now(work ftmfl),we shall continue this later lol.

    ... equals... "im sorry, i will cherish your ownage speedmonkey, and whenever possible.. i'll worship your mexican brown shaded cock."


    my answer to this is.. Thanks. thats what i thought.


    PS. Like mother like son.
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  34. 03-23-2009, 03:04 PM #34
    NVEOUS
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    lol i just love the site. lol its hilarious. And i do want the rep points. I don't have too many lol
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  35. 03-23-2009, 03:04 PM #35
    GLulic
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpeedMonkey
    ... equals... "im sorry, i will cherish your ownage speedmonkey, and whenever possible.. i'll worship your mexican brown shaded cock."


    my answer to this is.. Thanks. thats what i thought.


    PS. Like mother like son.
    you didn't win.i'm taking a break lol.
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  36. 03-23-2009, 03:06 PM #36
    mocha latte cupcake
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    +reps for NV
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  37. 03-23-2009, 03:06 PM #37
    SpeedMonkey
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    Quote Originally Posted by GLulic
    you didn't win.i'm taking a break lol.
    is this my ex girlfriend?.. cause you wont shut the fVck up.
    2 / 3 = 0.666
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  38. 03-23-2009, 03:07 PM #38
    NVEOUS
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    LOL thanks JM
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  39. 03-23-2009, 03:08 PM #39
    On_Her_Face
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpeedMonkey
    same 2 places, yes. I'm mexican, i work alot.

    lol.

    how you been cock-asian?
    Good living in Tennessee now, and I got a new LS3/6spd Corvette. What about you.
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  40. 03-23-2009, 03:10 PM #40
    NVEOUS
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    How do you like it?
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