I thought thist one was pretty funny. lol



Jim, Fred, and a severed limb:

I was driving Jim around the back of the property where Fred lived. I decided that they should get well acquainted with one another and develop a stable working relationship.

Alright, be sure to clean by the dumpsters. That's important with this place.

By the dumpsters?

Yeah. You know, open the gate, go in there, and clean between them.

..oh...kay?

I'll be around front if you need me!

I sped off toward the front and started working. I figured it would only be a matter of minutes before Jim would come screaming around the corner, giant raccoon in tow.

Well, poo poo for sure, Jim came screaming around the corner. In fact, he was running so hard that he lost his footing and went rear end over teacups on the pavement.

BRUISER! BRUISER!

I got a knowing look on my face

What's the matter, Jim?

There's a goddamn.. THING back there!

Thing?

And... oh god. OH GOD, BRUISER!

By this point I was starting to get a little freaked out myself. It was a raccoon for God's sake.

Spit it out, Jim.

Bruiser... There's a raccoon back there.

Ye-

No. Listen. It's feeding on an arm.

...

A GODDAMN ARM, BRUISER!

Oh F U C K! Are you serious?!

LOOK AT MY GODDAMN FACE, MAN! I'M NOT KIDDING!

I ran as fast as I could around the back. The wind was catching the gate to the dumpsters. *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* . I got out the flashlight, took a deep breath, and opened the gate. In large sweeping motions, I bathed the area in light.

And there it was. A loving arm hanging out of the dumpster with Fred looking at me underneath it.

WHAT IN THE gently caress! OH GOD!

I tried to back peddle out of the area and ended up falling backwards. My eyes were drawn to the arm and back down to Fred. When I finally stopped screaming, I noticed something really odd about the arm. I stood up and inched closer to it.

*squeak squeak*

AHH! Oh jesus. What the gently caress is going on.

I reached out and gave it a tug. The entire drat thing fell to the ground with a hollow *whump*.

A loving mannequin arm. A loving mannequin arm with a note taped to it.

"Dear Bruiser,

Aren't paybacks a bitch?
-Jim
P.S. - you can thank Mark for the idea"

Behind me, Jim started clapping.

What the gently caress is that, Jim?!

A smug grin starts to cross his lips

That, Bruiser, Is how the job is done.

And that, my friends, is how I knew Jim was ready.