Messing With Ricers:

It's like "The Fast and the Furious"... but with even worse cars and zit-faced high school kids:

So, I pull into Dover Crossing (see: lovely Kroger shopping center) and cruise around to get a general idea of how much trash is on the parking lot. Well, right in the center of the lot there are around 30 high school aged kids showing off their cheap, poorly modded, late 90's import cars. I could have handled that alone, but the cars we're parked the exact opposite from the parking spaces. I guess spending mommy's money on a body kit from eBay (that you managed to crack 2 days after purchase) gives you the right to do that. There are a couple of problems here:

1) The children are hanging out right in the middle of the lot... over trash... that I need to pick up... now.

2) I have a deep hatred for idiot 17 year olds, lovely riced-out Honda civics, AND the anorexic trailer trash that passes for female companionship in that neck of the woods.

A trifecta of doom united.

this could get interesting.

So I park the truck at the end of the lot, blow out the curb line, and proceed to pick up every bit of trash AROUND the Mentally Challenged Drivers Club meeting. I made a few close passes, hoping that they would get some assemblage of a clue and move. I then shunned myself for applying an ounce of logic when dealing with retards.

So I cruise around for around 5 minutes and they still don't move. I shut down the rear engine and go over to the group of kids, I quickly find the leader and have a conversation with him... it went something like this:

Hey man, I was wondering if you guys could move a couple of spaces over so I can sweep here. You don't have to move your car or anything, I just need to get into this aisle for about 3 minutes."

Moron: "gently caress you."

Hey man, we don't need any of that.. I just need to move in here for a few minutes. I'll be out of your hair in no time, really.

Moron: "Why don't you get back into your truck, and get the gently caress out of here."

-- Now... the group of kids had gathered around, and had actually started laughing at that last comment.

So, it's like that?

Moron: "Yeah, it's like that."

Alright man, just remember that I asked nicely first.

Moron: "gently caress OFF, GARBAGE MAN!"


-- You know, something I've never understood is why people have to mess with me. First of all, I'm as big as a tank and I know how to fight. Second of all, I'm a nice guy... until you piss me off. So the children taunt me as I go back to my truck.

Oh, drat.. I forgot to mention that I picked up a bag of Quick-Crete at Home Depot.. my previous stop that evening. You see, it was a full bag that had split open, so I had just put it in the back of my hopper (the hopper is where all of the trash goes). Oops. I wonder what would happen if I ran the blower engine (that's the engine that creates suction) at 100% throttle with all of that powdered Quick-Crete in the back... might as well find out, right?

I dropped the hammer on the throttle control. My blower engine was screaming at full throttle, exhaust shooting out of the pipes. I had never run it at full power because usually 30-50% is more than enough to pick up garbage.Plus, I didn't need anymore exploding sweeper trucks. The entire truck was shuddering. There was so much pressure in the hopper, the Quick-Crete couldn't find a way to escape.... so I made one.

I made one final run at the children. I was going about 25 miles an hour when I hit the controls to separate the hopper from the truck. What ensued was something for the ages.

Quick-Crete and dust came billowing out of the two gigantic intake tubes. It seriously looked like a scene from Maximum Overdrive. The sound was horrendous as I made 3 loops around the children and their cars. A Thick cloud of dust enveloped the parking lot as I did my laps like some kind of demon.

The kids literally sprinted to their cars which were now covered with a super fine layer of white powder. I had never seen a parking lot clear out in under 15 seconds.

I shut my engine down, reconnected the hopper to the intake tubes, and moved to the dust storm-free front of the Kroger. Unbeknownst to me, I had drawn a crowd of the late night stocking crew who had seen me talking to the teens on camera, and wanted to watch the action.

I hopped out of the truck and lit a cigarette. All of the stocking crew was amazed and said "that was loving awesome!" and that I "showed those assholes". We chatted for a few minutes as the dust cloud settled. It was time to move on to my next stop.


Oh, there's one more thing. A rainstorm had moved through about 10 minutes before I showed up. Their cars were wet when I crop dusted.

Hope they had fun getting that poo poo off.