Porch monkey, im taking it back

There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.

If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".

Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.

Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder.

On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.


Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.