your doing an awesome thing, something i've never done and im am a believer in God and jesus. i don't call myself a christian i stopped doing that when i was pretty young.
i was raised baptist and started going to a non-denominational church when i was pretty young. fearing death is something nobody should have to do. i think you will find what your looking for eventually, you are definatly doing the right thing.
that was pretty scattered just trying to help if i can at all.