Overall: one man's reflection on awkward, quasi-gay sexual experiences of curious young men.

First: account of 13 year-old who hears that anal stimulation is fun. Goes to grocery store, buys a carrot and vasoline. Carves the carrot, does his thing with it but gets only pain. Stuffs it into dirty clothes when mom calls him for dinner, it disappears with his dirty laundry. He never gets confronted but it haunts him forever.

Second: different 13 year-old has brother station in Navy in Middle East. Big brother tells little brother about Arabic masturbation enhancer that entails sticking things up your pee chute while stroking it. Kid decides to use a long, thin rolled piece of candle wax. Go figure, he finishes and it's disappeared all the way up into his nards. Collects calcium deposits, fizzucks him up. Has to tell parents, go to hospital, use college funds to get it sorted out.

Third: narrator when 13 has pool. Sits on bottom of pool on water recirculator grate or something that sucks water, or buttholes in his case. Holds his breath for long periods to stroke it while having butt sucked by pool hardware. One day, gets it off and tries to swim up, only to find that the water intake has "captured" his bowls. Swims halfway up the pool, pulls out his intestines. Has to chew his f'ing intestines off to live. Parents spend his college money on required bowel-reconstructing surgery, his is now roughly 6" instead of 5'.

There's some blurb about how the jiz (spelling?) he left in the pool that day got his sister pregnant.

Yeeeeeeah. The butthole-clinching cringing parts aren't quite translated in my version.