I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know? I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you... and feed you a leaf."