Funny IM's

[babygurl]

A friend sent this to me: Kinda long but worth the read



Girl: Hi
Boy: hello
Boy: who is this?
Girl: just a someone?
Boy: A someone I know?
Girl: nope
Boy: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
Girl: well sorrrrrry
Girl: I just wanted to chat with you
Boy: why?
Girl: nevermind your an asshole
Boy: Hey wait a minute
Girl: yes?
Boy: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
Girl: paranoid?
Boy: yes
Girl: of what?
Girl: me?
Boy: No. I'm in hiding.
Girl: LOL
Boy: Don't fucking laugh at me!
Boy: This shit is serious!
Girl: What are you hiding from?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: gimme a fucking break
Boy: I'm serious.
Girl: I don't get it
Boy: The cops are after me.
Girl: For what?
Boy: I'm wanted in three states
Girl: For???
Boy: It's kindof embarrasing.
Boy: I had sex with a turkey.
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You are fucking sick.
Boy: Send me your picture.
Girl: why?
Boy: so I know you aren't one of them.
Girl: One of what?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: I'm not a cop i told you
Boy: Then send me your picture.
Girl: hold on
Boy: Hurry up.
Boy: Are you there?
Boy: fuck you, cop!
Girl: Hey sorry
Girl: I had to do something for my mom.
Boy: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
Boy: When really you were notifying the authorities.
Boy: Weren't you!?
Girl: thats not it
Boy: Then what?
Girl: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
Boy: Most cops aren't
Girl: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKHEAD!
Boy: Then send me the picture.
Girl: fine. What's your e-mail?
Boy: Just send it through here.
Girl: alright *PIC*
Girl: Did you get it?
Boy: Hold on. I'm looking.
Girl: That was me back in may
Girl: I've lost weight since then.
Boy: I hope so
Girl: what?!?
Girl: that hurt my feelings.
Boy: Did it?
Girl: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
Boy: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
Girl: yes
Boy: Alright let me find it.
Girl: kks
Boy: Okay here it is. *PIC*
Girl: this isn't you.
Boy: I'll be damned if it ain't!
Girl: You don't look like that.
Boy: How the hell do you know?
Girl: cause your profile has another picture.
Boy: The profile pic is a fake.
Boy: I use it to hide from the cops.
Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.
Girl: Go fuck yourself
Boy: I was going to until I saw that picture
Boy: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.
Girl: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
Girl: You've done nothing but slam me.
Girl: you hurt me.
Boy: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
Girl: I thought you were bullshitting me!
Boy: Why would I do that?
Girl: I can't believe that cops are after you
Boy: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
Girl: FUC YOU!!!
Boy: You'd break both of his legs.
Girl: You're a FUCKing asshole.
Girl: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
Girl: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
Boy: Ok. I'm sorry.
Girl: No you aren't
Boy: You're right. I'm not.
Boy: HAARRRRR!
Girl: I'm done with you
Boy: Aww. I'm sorry.
Girl: I'm putting you on ignore
Boy: Wait a sec
Boy: We got off on the wrong foot.
Boy: Wanna start over?
Girl: No
Boy: I'll eat your pussy
Girl: You'll what?
Boy: You heard me.
Boy: I said I'd eat your pussy.
Girl: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
Boy: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?
Girl: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
Boy: Well I'm not like most men.
Boy: I get excited in different ways.
Girl: Like what?
Boy: Do you really wanna know?
Girl: I don't know
Boy: You have to tell me yes or no.
Girl: I'm afraid to
Boy: Why?
Girl: cause
Boy: cause why?
Girl: well lets see
Girl: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
Girl: doesn't that seem strange to you?
Boy: Nope
Girl: well its strange to me
Boy: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
Girl: I didn't say that
Boy: So is that a yes?
Girl: I guess so.
Boy: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
Boy: Are you willing?
Girl: What do you need me to do?
Boy: I need you talk like a pirate.
Girl: ???
Boy: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
Boy: ok?
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You can't be serious
Boy: Oh yes I am!
Boy: It's my fantasy.
Girl: this is retarded
Boy: Do you want it or not?
Girl: Yes I want it.
Boy: Then you'll do it for me?
Girl: sure
Boy: Ok. Here we go.
Boy: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
Boy: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
Boy: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.
Boy: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.
Girl: mmmm yeah
Boy: uh oh ...going limp.
Girl: Har
Boy: You gotta do better than that!
Boy: Your picture was really bad.
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more moist with every stroke.
Boy: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
Boy: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
Girl: mmmmmm you are good
Boy: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
Boy: going limp
Girl: HARRRRRRR
Boy: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
Boy: You begin to sway back and forth.
Boy: going limp
Girl: this is stupid
Boy: ...still limp
Boy: Do it!
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.
Girl: WTF?!?!?
Boy: They stink really bad.
Girl: OMG STOP!!!
Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
Boy: I ram it up your ass.
Girl: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
Boy: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...
Boy: I kick you in the face!
Girl: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!
Boy: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
Boy: Your parrot flys away.
Boy: ...going limp again.
Boy: Hello?
Boy: Say it!
Boy: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

http://www.adamchance.com/funny.htm

[Elbow]

LMFAO

[RedGTS]

absolutely sick!!!!!!!!!

[ShooterMcGavin]

HAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!

[TRINI4LIFE]

That is some funny stuff... HRRRRR

[Elbow]

Part that got me laughing real hard:

Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.

[SLOWLYbtngU]

That was hilarious...lol.. HARRR!!!!

[Scrilla]

[The Golden Child]

LIRL !!!

[Nopaintsls]

ahahhahahahaha that shit was hilarious!!!

[RandomGuy]

HARRRRRRRRRRRR LMAO LMAO LMAO

[Leadfoot_mf]

i am going limp HRRRRRRRR nope im okay

[CALIWEST]

hahaha that was funnny

[MrWang]

Hahahahahahah LMAO that was hilariuos, and so were the others.

[Wurm]

LIRL LIRL LIRL

damn that shit is funny you broke santa's legs

[SixSquared]

HARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

[The Ninja]

damn that is as old as time....

[xxbowiexx]

give me back my 6 precious minutes.


HARRRRRR

[£G2♣]

LIRL

i only read the beginning and i gave up...im not in the mood to read....maybe when im bored ill get back to it...

[Dragonfly5338]

LOL that shit is from fugly.com, hahaha. There's a better one about a wizard, hehe.

[Dragonfly5338]

HAHAHA This one is good too.

rebecca_east: Are you planning on keeping the child?
EvilSarahBitch: I don't have a choice.
rebecca_east: Yes you do!
EvilSarahBitch: You don't understand. I don't want this child!
rebecca_east: There are other options you know.
EvilSarahBitch: Like what?
rebecca_east: Abortion. Adoption. Even letting a family member adopt the child might work.
EvilSarahBitch: I can't abort the child. People wouldn't like it if I did that.
rebecca_east: It's your body and your choice.
EvilSarahBitch: I thought about giving the child up for adoption but no one wanted it.
rebecca_east: Someone would want it I'm sure.
EvilSarahBitch: It's not my body. It's the child's body.
rebecca_east: No Sweety. Its YOUR body. No one can tell you what to do with YOUR own body!
EvilSarahBitch: So.... even though its the child's body, because it came from me...makes it mine?
rebecca_east: Exactly.
EvilSarahBitch: Have you ever had one done before?
rebecca_east: Yes.
EvilSarahBitch: Was the father upset?
rebecca_east: It's a bad subject.
rebecca_east:
EvilSarahBitch: Are you upset that you had it done?
rebecca_east: No not at all.
EvilSarahBitch: Then why is it bad?
EvilSarahBitch: Rebecca?
rebecca_east: Don't worry about it.
EvilSarahBitch: Please tell me.
EvilSarahBitch: I need your help.
EvilSarahBitch: I want to know about your experience.
rebecca_east: no
EvilSarahBitch: I figured as much. You're a feminist aren't you?
EvilSarahBitch: I guess a weak girl like me isn't worth your time.
rebecca_east: Yes I am a feminist but that has nothing to do with it.
EvilSarahBitch: Then what are you hiding?
EvilSarahBitch: I won't say anything.
EvilSarahBitch: Tell me.
rebecca_east: I was raped. Thats why I had mine done.
EvilSarahBitch: Did your husband do it?
rebecca_east: No. The man went to prison and is set to be released in Septemeber.
rebecca_east:
rebecca_east: Grrrrrr
EvilSarahBitch: I'm sorry. Don't get upset now.
rebecca_east: My family is very religious and didn't want me to abort.
rebecca_east: But its my body and my choice.
rebecca_east: I would have grown to hate the child.
EvilSarahBitch: Like I hate mine?
rebecca_east: I imagine so.
rebecca_east: We're off subject
rebecca_east: This started off with a discussion about your baby.
EvilSarahBitch: It's not a baby.
rebecca_east: Right. I didn't mean to use that word.
EvilSarahBitch: So what should I do?
rebecca_east: It's your choice. Just make sure no one trys to influence your decision.
EvilSarahBitch: If you were in my situation what would you do?
rebecca_east: I don't know. Is the father a decent man?
EvilSarahBitch: He's dead.
rebecca_east: OMG I'm sorry
EvilSarahBitch: It's ok. I've learned to get by without him.
EvilSarahBitch: He got hit by a garbage truck.
EvilSarahBitch: He was an asshole anyways.
rebecca_east: LOL
rebecca_east: Well. The choice is yours.
rebecca_east: Just remember that its YOUR body.
rebecca_east: No one else's.
EvilSarahBitch: Ok.
rebecca_east:
EvilSarahBitch: I'm gonna do it.
EvilSarahBitch: Thank you Rebecca.
rebecca_east: You're welcome. I'm always here if you need me afterwards.
EvilSarahBitch: Afterwards?
rebecca_east: Yes. Some women find it difficult to cope after the incident.
EvilSarahBitch: I'll remember that. Thanks again.
----15 minutes later----

EvilSarahBitch: Alright! Rebecca I did it!
rebecca_east: Did what?
EvilSarahBitch: Aborted the child.
rebecca_east: LOL
rebecca_east: In the last ten minutes??
EvilSarahBitch: Yes. I did it.
rebecca_east: You mean at home??!!?
EvilSarahBitch: Yes.
rebecca_east: OMGGGG did you use a clotheshanger or something?
rebecca_east: OMGGGGGG
EvilSarahBitch: No I used a knife.
rebecca_east: A KNIFE?!?!?
EvilSarahBitch: Yes I cut it's throat.
rebecca_east: JESUS!!!
rebecca_east: GO TO THE HOSPITAL!
EvilSarahBitch: I'm not hurt
rebecca_east: What trimester are you in?
EvilSarahBitch: Huh?
EvilSarahBitch: What trimester?
rebecca_east: Yes. How many months have you been pregnant?
rebecca_east: A trimester is three months, so if you're over 3 months, you're in your second trimester.
EvilSarahBitch: I guess then technically I was in my 17th trimester.
rebecca_east: huh?
EvilSarahBitch: Yes
rebecca_east: You mean you already had this child?
EvilSarahBitch: Yeah, about 4 years ago. And I just aborted it.
EvilSarahBitch: The little fucker wouldn't stop wearing my shoes.
rebecca_east: WHAT?!?!?
EvilSarahBitch: I want to thank you for being so supportive.
rebecca_east: YOU KILLED A CHILD?!?!?
EvilSarahBitch: No. Like you said. Its MY body. Not the childs.
rebecca_east: I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS ALIVE!!!!!!
rebecca_east: OMGGGGGGG
rebecca_east: CALL 911!!!
EvilSarahBitch: No I can handle it from here.
EvilSarahBitch: Thank you again for all your help.
EvilSarahBitch: I don't think I could have done it without you.
EvilSarahBitch: Rebecca?
EvilSarahBitch: Are you there?
EvilSarahBitch: Rebecca?
rebecca_east: <User has logged out>