Thread for jokes

[JASONBALL]

Not sure there is one. If so now there is two.

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man . God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years. "

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[JASONBALL]

WHY MY WIFE LEFT.

My wife left me...I don't understand.



After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.



Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45 in makeup.



I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"



She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."



I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"



I don't think she'll be back

[MachNU]

LOL those where both relaly good!!!!!

[JASONBALL]

You


know


it's


almost Summer


when


the girls



start


showing off their


belly buttons...

[MachNU]

DAMMIT AND I JUST POSITIVE REPPED YOU~!!!!!!!!

[fawk_you]

A horse in mud...

is that dirty joke ok?

[MachNU]

A horse in mud...

is that dirty joke ok?

No i think you would be the joke!!!!!

[fawk_you]

No i think you would be the joke!!!!!

Ouch. that made me chuckle!!

[MachNU]

Ouch. that made me chuckle!!

lol....least you didnt take it the wrong way!!!!!!

[fawk_you]

lol....least you didnt take it the wrong way!!!!!!

It happens!

[JASONBALL]

DR. SIGNS


>> > The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
>> >
>> > Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
>> > "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
>> >
>> > The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it
>> > to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
>> >
>> > This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council
>> > they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
>> >
>> > Still no go.
>> >
>> > Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."
>> >
>> > Thumbs down again.
>> >
>> > Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
>> >
>> > Still no good.
>> >
>> > Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds."
>> >
>> > Unacceptable again.
>> >
>> > So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
>> >
>> > No way.
>> >
>> > "Analysis and Anal Cysts?"
>> >
>> > Nope.
>> >
>> > "Nuts and Butts?"
>> >
>> > Uh uh.
>> >
>> > "Freaks and Cheeks?"
>> >
>> > Still no go.
>> >
>> > "Loons and Moons?"
>> >
>> > Forget it.
>> >
>> > Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr Smith
>> > and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
>> >
>> > Everyone loved it.

[JASONBALL]

STICK AROUND AND ENOY THE LAUGH.

[JASONBALL]

Edge Designs is a company run by all women - they design office interiors. They recently had an opportunity to do a project in NYC where the client offered the women of this company a "free hand" in all design aspects. The client was also a company that was run by all female execs.

The result............well.......we all know that men never talk ...never look at each other....and never laugh much in the restroom....The men's room is a serious and quiet place............But now .with the addition of one mural on the wall......let's just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles...

[JASONBALL]

RED NECK BRA.

[JASONBALL]

Dear Abby,
>
>My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
>beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
>everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he
>lost his job four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he
>does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I
>have to work to pay the bills.
>
>Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like
>me and hints that I am a lesbian.
>What should I do?
>
>Signed, Clueless
>
>
>Dear Clueless:
>
>
>
>
>Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.
>You're a United States senator from New York. Act like it!

[JASONBALL]

Remember Buckwheat from "The Little Rascals"? He has converted to ISLAM!










He now goes by the name of "Kareem Ofwheat"

[MachNU]

wow the last few have SUCKEd!!!!!!1

[JASONBALL]

I LIKE THIS ONE

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on
little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Ten little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one
with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic."Why?" asks the father ?
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"
TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a
mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE

TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly
called
on little TONY.
Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful !'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne,rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."'

[fawk_you]

HOLY TOO MUCH TO READ BATMAN! Yall have fun...im out. hahahaha

[MachNU]

BUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THE LITTLE TONY ONES MADE ME FALL OUT OF MY SEAT!!!!!!!!!

[JASONBALL]

WONDER HOW MANY TIMES THIS HAS HAPPENED

DUI GEORGIA STYLE Only a GEORGIAN could think of this...from the county
where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Savannah, Georgia.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he
could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine,
dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked
the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some
more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out
of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer,
having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer
test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it." said the truly proud Redneck.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[JASONBALL]

BROKE BACK MOUTAIN.

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I'm not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says,
"I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

[MachNU]

BROKE BACK MOUTAIN.

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I'm not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says,
"I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

dude your on a roll!!!!!!!!

[JASONBALL]

SHOULD i TAKE A BREAK.

[JASONBALL]

13 REASON NOT TO DRINK WITH FRIENDS

[JASONBALL]

CONTINUATION.

[JASONBALL]

LAST ONE ON THIS ONE IS THE NUMBER ONE REASON NOT TO DRINK WITH FRIENDS

[JASONBALL]

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10%
for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the
mailman was dead on their porch.

[MachNU]

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10%
for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the
mailman was dead on their porch.

FUCK ME!!!!!!!! DIDNT SEE THAT ENDING COMING!!!!!!!

[JASONBALL]

A minister decided to do something a little

different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to

say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single

word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out " CROSS "

Immediately the congregation started singing in

unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS "

The pastor hollered out " GRACE" The

congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound "

The pastor said " POWER" The congregation sang

"THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD "

The Pastor said "SEX " The congregation fell

into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began

to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of

the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to

sing "PREC!IOUS MEMORIES "

[gijoe0720]

A minister decided to do something a little

different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to

say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single

word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out " CROSS "

Immediately the congregation started singing in

unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS "

The pastor hollered out " GRACE" The

congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound "

The pastor said " POWER" The congregation sang

"THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD "

The Pastor said "SEX " The congregation fell

into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began

to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of

the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to

sing "PREC!IOUS MEMORIES "

haha this one is great.

[fawk_you]

the pictures are wonderful to say the least...

[LemonAJAX]

two hot dags are siting next to each other. one hot dog looks at eh other one and says 'is it hot in here or is it just me?' the other hot dog looks at him ans says'WHOA! A HOT DOG THAT CAN TALK!!'.. ok not hat funny but still..

[LemonAJAX]

oh.. the stewie joke:

theres two men standing next to each other and one of the men turns to the other and says.. oh dear what did he say again.. oh i'm no good at telling jokes.. well it turns out on of them is a rabii.. lol love that shit.. JACKAL!! JACKAL!! JACKAL!! JACKAL!! JACKAL!! JACKAL!! JACKAL!! JACKAL!!

[LemonAJAX]

just not as funny am i??

[JASONBALL]

Dear Husband:
>
> I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
> I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing
> to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
> you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
> home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked
> your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate
> in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You
> don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either
> you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
>
> P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
> away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Your EX-Wife




Dear Ex-Wife
>
> Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
> you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far
> cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
> constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut
> off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You
> look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't
> say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
> confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
> I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price
> tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
> just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
> $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work
> it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million
> dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
> you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
> filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you
> wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
>
> P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
> Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
>
> Signed Rich As Hell and Free

[JASONBALL]

How to Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide; loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How to Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo- woo'

sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the

'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

[gijoe0720]

How to Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide; loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How to Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo- woo'

sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the

'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

OMG HAHAHA

[JASONBALL]

lol

[JASONBALL]

Nude firefighters

The all nude firefighter calendar for 2006 comes in an all-male and
an all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for both female and males. Just click on the menu to select which one you want to
view. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers.

Click on the site (2006 Calendar) below to view all 12 (24) totally nude firefighters .


http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf


I better get comments on this one. lol