Thread for jokes

[JASONBALL]

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks
the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks
him! dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[JASONBALL]

finally figured it out.

[JASONBALL]

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these rules:

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get the hell out of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to
high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives
around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways - Interstate 10 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat- go to North Carolina. That would be I-95 North.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards.It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them --enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there. And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.

[JASONBALL]

> > Subject: A Bad Day at the Drug Store !
> > >
> > > Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the
> door by his
> > > sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the
> druggist.
> > > He insulted me terribly this morning on the
> phone. I had to
> > > call multiple times before he would even answer
> the phone."
> > >
> > > Immediately, the husband drove downtown to
> confront the
> > > druggist and demand an apology. Before he could
> say more
> > > than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now,
> just a
> > > minute, listen to my side of it. This morning
> the alarm
> > > failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I
> went without
> > > breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to
> realize that
> > > I had locked the house with both house and car
> keys inside
> > > and had to break a window to get my keys. Then,
> driving a
> > > little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
> Later,when I was
> > > about three blocks from the store, I had a flat
> tire. When
> > > I finally got to the store a bunch of people
> were waiting
> > > for me to open up. I got the store opened and
> started
> > > waiting on these people, and all the time the
> darn phone was
> > > ringing off the hook.
> > >
> > > "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
> the cash
> > > register drawer to make change, and they spilled
> allover the
> > > floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees
> to pick up the
> > > nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I
> came up I
> > > cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
> made me
> > > stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
> perfume
> > > bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and
> broke.
> > > Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no
> let up, and I
> > > finally got back to answer it. It was your wife.
> She wanted
> > > to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
> > >
> > > "And believe me mister, as God is my witness,
> all I did was
> > > tell her."

[JASONBALL]

A sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the sixth Grade. My sister is in the 9th grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in 9th grade too."

Mrs. Brooks had had enough.

She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 6th grade and behave.

She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"


Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"

Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 6th grade student should know.

The principal looks at Mrs. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the 9th grade."

Mrs. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?

Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Mrs. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs. Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"

Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....

Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer! ......

Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs. Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"

Mrs. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs. Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Johnny: "Wedding Ring."

Mrs. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"

Johnny; "Arrow."

Mrs. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire-truck."

The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to College. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!" .

[LemonAJAX]

A sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the sixth Grade. My sister is in the 9th grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in 9th grade too."

Mrs. Brooks had had enough.

She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 6th grade and behave.

She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"


Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"

Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 6th grade student should know.

The principal looks at Mrs. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the 9th grade."

Mrs. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?

Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Mrs. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs. Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"

Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....

Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer! ......

Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs. Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"

Mrs. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs. Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Johnny: "Wedding Ring."

Mrs. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"

Johnny; "Arrow."

Mrs. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Johnny: "Fire-truck."

The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to College. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!" .

hell yes.. LIRL

[never_finished]

you got me rolling on the floor man...check yo reps!

[JASONBALL]

Simple Home Remedies




1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.


2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.


4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.


5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.


7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.


Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape;
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.


And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

[JASONBALL]

a Ghetto flat screen.

[dodgekota]

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but saran wrap...
the psychiatrist see's this, and says " I can clearly see your nuts."

[JASONBALL]

nice one

[dodgekota]

Things to do when a co-worker goes out of town...

[JASONBALL]

that is a good one I've seen that one before.

[JASONBALL]

Tourists & the pictures they take....

[JASONBALL]

Tourists & the pictures they take 2

[dodgekota]

lirl. good ones.

[dodgekota]

O god... who the hell sends people stuff like this for fun?

http://www.addictinggames.com/fartingdogharmonics.html

[JASONBALL]

wish I could get on it. I'm at work right now not allowed on goverment comp. but I will check it out in the morning when i get home.

I will have more jokes in the next couple of days.

[dodgekota]

cool beans.

with some of those jokes, i woke up my dad im laughing so hard.

[JASONBALL]

glad you enjoyed. I thought they were funny so I figured I would post them up.

[dodgekota]

Ya... my dad doesnt appriciate them though... atleast right now. But hey, he has a right to be a nazi right now... my mom's out at a friends house with her friends drinking (thats so funny), and my bro's at college drinking, and im at home at 3 in the morning on the computer, talking in forum's with people ive never met...

i swear he's gonna go insane soon.

[JASONBALL]

do you believe I started this post tonight and it already has 60 some posts that is awsome.

[~C My Bunny~]

[dodgekota]

i started one earlier, and its up to 50... but i made mine 6 minutes after yours...