joke time.

[slostang]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started doing it's thing and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos which equals MIDNIGHT!). The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in. I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[slostang]

A young rich CEO got caught up in the downsizing of the company he worked for and was laid off. Soon he had run through all of his and his wife's money and was facing losing their fancy cars, house boat, etc.
As he and his beautiful young wife sat trying to figure out a way to come up with some money, she suddenly said, "I've got it! I can be a prostitute".
"Honey, I can't let you do that" he said.
"But I'll only do it until you get another job and you can be my pimp".
So that night she got all dressed up and they drove downtown to a street corner. As she stood there, her husband sat nearby in the car. Soon a John drove up and asked how much for a fuck. She realized her and her husband didn't discuss prices so she told the guy to hold on a second and ran over to their car.
"Honey, how much for him to fuck me"?
"Uh, $100" he replied.
She ran back to the john and told him the price.
"How much for a blow job"?
She ran back over to her husband, "How much for a blow job"?
"I don't know, $50 I guess".
She ran back to the john and told him the price.
"Damn, I don't have enough for that either, how much for a hand job" the john asked. She ran back over to her husband,"How much to jack him off"?
"Hell, $10"!
She walked back over to the john and told him $10. "OK, get in".
As he unzipped his pants, he pulled out a 12" dick as big around as a beer can. She stared at it for a moment then said "Hold on a minute"!
She jumped out of the car, ran over to her husband and said "Honey, loan me $90"!
__________________

[slostang]

A husband and wife were watching a TV program about the phenomenon of mixed emotions.












The husband said, "Honey, you know that's a bunch of female crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time!"












She replied, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

[slostang]

"daddy what is the government?"
"well its like this. I am the governor, your mother is the people, the maid is the workers, and our 5 months old is the future" said the father

That night the boy couldn't sleep, he got out of bed and walked around the house. He went to his mothers room and she was sleeping. He went to the maids room and found his father and her having hot sweaty sex. He went to the baby's room to check his diapers and found it needed to be changed. The next morning he ran to his father and the following conversation took place

"daddy I understand the government now".
"go ahead"
"while the people are sleeping the government is fucking the workers and the future is full of shit"

[slostang]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd gradershould know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can goto the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[1990wade]

third one was funny as hell