drunk text messages
I dunno if this is a repost or not. i dont remember seeing it. but i figured everyone could use a good laugh tonight.I pulled this off of orlandoforums.. so heres ya go..
> (613): She was blowing me and I farted, she gave me a high five and kept
> going.
>
>
>
> (740): I would plow her like an Amish guy supporting his family
>
>
>
> (330): Why did I make a hit list last night containing only McDonald's?
> (sent) you tried to order a margarita McFlurry and when they said they
> didn't make those you tried to call 911.
>
>
>
> (831): I just had a conversation with my cat in the shower about
> pancakes.
> We both like them a lot.
>
>
>
> (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding
> floor. explanation? ... (rec'd): you said they were your minions of evil
> that protected you from ferrets.
>
>
>
> (702): I just woke up naked and covered in skittles. Best night ever?
>
>
>
> (303): (sent): DUDE! MY MOM GOT TAKEN BY ALIENS! (rec'd): lol wtf?
> (sent):
> don't LOL. its 3am and shes not home. this has NEVER happened! (rec'd):
> its
> cool i just got a txt from them saying she'll be home tmro. (sent): UR A
> F*CKIN LIAR! they cant speak english dumbass! (rec'd): iPhone
> translation.
> there's an app for that.
>
>
>
> (215): I got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in
> the fiction section.
>
>
>
> (401): I just woke up in a tent with this girl, sat there for 15 minutes
> trying to remember her name, when she woke up she said "Hi, I'm ashley."
> I
> think I'm in love!
>
>
>
> (330): "I'm textn and bang'n your sister right now, how many points do I
> get?" Recv'd back: "you mother****er"...Replied: "She's next."
>
>
>
> (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to
> random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and
> hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face.
> please tell me you're sober now
>
>
>
> (570): Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo 'til i
> google all over your facebook?
>
>
>
> (608): She said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered
> "Simba"
>
>
>
> (303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of
> every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
>
>
>
> (604): you were about to get laid, but on your way to the bedroom you
> saw a Burger King paper crown. You ditched the girl and pranced around
> my house yelling "I AM FOOFY, KING OF THE SEALS!"
>
>
>
> (919): I just punched a cop in the face while dancing in a parking lot,
> its ok, it was my stepdad and he bought me more beer cause he said he
> didn't want to ruin "what looked like a good night"
>
>
>
> (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the
> spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on
> an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
>
>
>
> (732): You sent me 45 texts saying "meow".
>
>
>
> (937): Had sex with a girl and when I was about to cum... I pulled out
> and shoved it in her mouth... she said...how did you know I liked
> that...
> keeper???
>
>
>
> (330): "which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five
> ARE thirteen?" sent:"Neither, because it's twelve."
>
>
>
> (337): She told me that for my birthday, she would get the word "HARDER"
> tattooed on her lower back. I love this girl.
>
>
>
> (303): I was wondering why the cops were making such a big deal then I
> realized I was naked
>
>
>
> (864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with
> michael phelps.
>
>
>
> (316): omg bring my wallet when you come get me tonight. i'm buying a
> ****ing giraffe.
>
>
>
> (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party
> they ever crashed
>
>
>
> (630): Received: "Who did I **** last night, cuz my bed smells like her
> perfume. She smells niceeeeee." Sent: "Im still here, just in the living
> room playing Xbox360. you smell good too."
>
>
>
> (703): (recieved) I wish I was a penguin. (sent) Why? (recieved) because
> then I would look like I'm wearing a tuxedo 100% of the time, and that's
> classy.
>
>
>
> (818): she started singing "eye of the tiger" mid-****...
>
>
>
> (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick,
> now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
>
>
>
> (402): This is NO TIME for pants!
>
>
>
> (770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in
> the kitchen trying to make spaghetti.
>
>
>
> (304): my dad just found tit marks on my windshield LOL
>
>
>
> (775): "before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got
> with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like
> my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal."
>
>
>
> (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm
> terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (rec'd):
> Just
> tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
>
>
>
> (303): i found you in the kitchen naked, eating ice cream and ramen, and
> rapping about being on a boat.
>
>
>
> (732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get
> yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
>
>
>
> (352): I just did a guy and his brother. They gave me a bottle of
> captain and a key to their house. Victory?
>
>
>
> (754): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his
> toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat
> leaves!"
>
>
>
> (607): Can you cum for me in a cup, my boyfriend just came on my tits
> and in my hair, I want to get him back (rec'd) DUDE, i'm his bestfriend,
> you know how sick that is? (sent) please? (rec'd) come give me a blow
> job and you can keep what you get out of me. (sent) deal on my way.
> (rec'd) got a boner already
>
>
>
> (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
>
>
>
> (330): First off: I'm drunk so **** you. Second: you weren't a bad
> girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: **** 3 Doors Down
>
>
>
> (330): Holy **** there are a ton of zombies coming for me. Meet me at
> taco bell to plan a revenge asap.
>
>
>
> (330): Is it just me or do most whores also suffer from narcolepsy?
>
>
>
> (330): i was preparing myself to do the alphabet backwards but they
> didnt make me do it.
>
>
>
> (330): dude you missed out last night man, i was soooo hammered but i
> nailed the hottest ***** ever in the middle of jakes living room while
> everyone was playing kings (sent): tom said you smoked laced **** and
> drank the rest of that bottle of tequila and when everyone was plying
> you got on the table and started jacking off. LOL (recv'd): dude no i
> would remember that you ****
> (sent): tom sent me the video..
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by Dirty Octopus™
