F*CK MY LIFE...!!!
1) Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. Fuck my life.
2) Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. Fuck my life.
3) Today, I tried to break up with my girlfriend. She said no. Fuck my life.
4) Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. Fuck my life.
5) Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. Fuck my life.
6) Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. Fuck my life.
7) Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. Fuck my life.
8) Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward." I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy of her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. Fuck my life.
9) Today, I was talked into having sex with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had always wanted to wait till marriage but my boyfriend convinced me otherwise. Once we were done, he said he could never marry me because I was no longer pure. Fuck my life.
10) My girlfriend wanted to have sex with me today but I told her I didn't have any condoms. She said, "Oh, it's ok. You can just pull out right before." I agreed. While we were having sex, I was about to pull out and let it all go when she suddenly wrapped both her legs around me tightly screaming, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't pull out in time. Fuck my life.
11) Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. Fuck my life.
12) Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. Fuck my life.
13) Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. Fuck my life.
14) Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. Fuck my life.
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Originally Posted by GKtib®
