CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX

[seanrg1116]

possibly a repost

calories Burned During Sex




The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa) - 1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa) - 274 calories



Satisfying Partner (organ size)



Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size - 22 calories
Oversize - 15 calories
Tremendous - 8 calories
Teensy-weensy - 163 calories

Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) - 20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) - 25 calories
From the rear (Mysterious variation) - 40 1/2 calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height - 18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man - 90 calories
While in traction
(very useful during ski season) - 124 calories



Locations

On a bar stool - 20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic - 38 calories
In a phone booth, standing - 14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down - 274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat - 24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat - 42 calories
On an airliner, window seat - 30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory - 100 calories



Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing - 7 calories
Sliding around - 9 calories
Serious Skidding - 12 calories
Full cartwheel - 20 calories
Whiplash - 27 calories
Knee burn - 6 calories
Chafed elbows - 5 calories
Chafed nose - 11 calories



Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp) - 3 calories
Wheezing - 5 calories
Squeals - 4 calories
Ecstatic moaning - 11 calories
Low growling - 8 calories
Squishing - 10 calories
Shouting - 16 calories
Screaming - 18 calories
Urgent begging - 22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions
("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.)
- 25 calories



Approaching Orgasm

Letting go - 5.5 calories
Controlling yourself - 79 calories
Digging nails into your partner's back - 11 calories
Shaking - 20 calories
Shuddering - 25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open - 33 calories



Orgasm

Real - 27 calories
Faked - 160 calories



Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn't change - 1/2 calorie
Face turned purple - 15 calories
Orchestra swelled - 6 calories
Magical explosions - 10 calories
Blazing Sheets - 25 calories
Earth moved - 30 calories
Vesuvius erupted - 47 calories
You began moaning in Latin - 60 calories



Pulling Out

After orgasm - 1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm - 500 calories



Multiple Orgasms



For women:
214 calories
530 calories
847 calories(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
221 calories
339 calories
457 calories(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)

Special Orgasms

Clitoral. - 15 calories
Vaginal - 21 calories
Penile - 21 calories
Scrotile - 15 calories
Rectal - 25 calories
Oral(can also occur during an especially good meal) - 30 calories



Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion - 2 calories
During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) - 5 calories
During foreplay - 3 calories
Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) - 4 calories



Consequences of Premature Ejaculation



Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.

For Women
Frustration - 8 calories
Anger - 15 calories
Violent mood swing - 20 calories
Surpressing rage - 25 calories
Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.) - 65 calories

For Men:
Cursing 10 calories
Apologising 3 calories
Snivelling - 5 calories
Pleading for mercy - 8 calories
Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) - 15 calories

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex



The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning - 6 calories
Palpitations - 10 calories
Shortness of breath - 5 calories
Perspiring - 8 calories

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny desposition - 1 calorie



Recovering

Un-entwining - 3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) - 7 calories
Standing up - 9 calories
Getting some juice - 11 calories



Rolling Over and Going to Sleep



After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.) - 18 calories
During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) -32 calories
During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.)
- 12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot - 80 calories

Trying Again

If the woman is ready - 5 calories
If the man is not - 156 calories



Dreaming

Regular dream - 2 calories
Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
- 16 calories
Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) - 20 calories



Group Sex

Introducing yourself - 3 calories
Overcoming shyness - 8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly - 4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly - 62 calories
Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are) -- 16 calories
Mixed doubles - 26 calories
Being nice to everyone - 100 calories
Anger
(You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) - 10 calories
Finding your clothes - 5 calories



Masturbation

For pleasure only - 6 calories
For exercise, too - 10 calories
For relief from tension - 12 calories
To pass the time - 7 calories
To avoid overeating - 16 calories
To get in touch with inner self - 10 calories
To get in touch with outter self - 10.5 calories
To avoid insanity - 24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) - 9 calories
Using your hand(s) - 11 calories
Using your finger(s) - 9 calories
Using tweezers - 2 calories
Using an inflatable doll - 24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) - 19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand-operated - 12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup - 9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric - 5 calories
using anything not mentioned here - 50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket - 2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat - 78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat - 3 calories



Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did - 4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn't do - 8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual - 10 calories
Climaxing too soon - 5 calories
Climaxing too late - 6 calories
Not climaxing - 20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object - 9 calories
Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object - 47 calories
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm - 88 calories



Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm - 6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field - 8 calories
Penis envy - 72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak - 25 calories



Getting Caught

By partner's spouse - 60 calories
By your spouse - 60.5 calories
Trying to explain - 165 calories
Stuttering - 28 calories
Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) - 40 calories



Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm - 100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)66 caloriesLeaping out of bed - 25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion - 300 calories
Thanking partner quickly-2 calories
Jumping out of window (add 5 calories if window wasn't open) -15 calories
Landing-1 calorie
Running very fast-50 calories