Paul's scam thread made me remember a time in my life when....
The only scam I was involved with was my own. It started off like this:
It was a bright, sunny day in May of 1948. There were about 6 clouds in the sky of which one was shaped like a dog chasing down a frisbee and catching it right in his asscrack. I was walking down the street in Siam heading over to Blockbuster to rent a movie. That's when I was struck in the head, from behind, by what was later identified as a whiffle ball bat.
Several days later, I awoke from the beating I received from that bat with a headache so big that it had Excedrin written all over it. I arose to find myself in house with only a bottle of Tylenol on the kitchen table. I retained my headache. That's when I realized that the house was locked tighter than a size 1 g-string crammed up Bruce Bruce's derriere.
Meanwhile, after using the key I had to get out of the house, I went home and wrote a ransom note to be delivered to my own home and mailed it. I went to my home and waited for the ransom note to arrive. After the mailman finished discussing how his life in the Navy changed the way he thought about homosexuals, he left me with a letter. I opened it and was aghast with horror at the amount scribbled on the note for my safe return. $17.99?!?! The hail is this? And the kicker? Nicely printed after the ransom amount was "Plus tax." You're kidding me! Turns out, it wasn't one of those tax free weekends yet.
Flabbergasted at this outrage, I marched over to the local police department. At the top of the steps(I was actually living in Cell 3 from a previous engagement with Jack Daniels and Bessie, the next door neighbor's cow), I walked to the sergeant's desk and handed him the note. Upon completion of a confectionery item he was eating consisting of flower, sugar, eggs, and milk( we usually call this a donut), he took my statement and letter and proceeded to tackle the case.
It was then that I, knowing I wouldn't be able to come up with the $17.99 plus tax ransom, that I went ahead and filed for death benefits. To collect the life insurance money. I went back tot the house where I was being held for ransom and about 13 minutes later, the door was busted down by one of those long, steel rods with a HAVE A NICE DAY smiley on the end of it. Sergeant Barbrady was on the other end.
With donut in hand, he made his way inside and found me sitting on the floor. He snatched me up by my arm and I yelped at him saying, "Why'd you grab my arm like that?" He responded telling that if he hadn't, I was about to pull the piece of the Jenga puzzle that would've caused the thing to fall. Later, as I walked inside Cell 3 to lay down and count my money, I encountered the Sarge, the insurance agent, a warrant's officer waiting for me.
Turns out I had left my alarm clock on and it had been going off all day and it was getting on everyone else's nerves. So before I was booked, yet again, on the noise ordinance violation, I was informed that I was also going to be charged with insurance fraud.
Seems I kidnapped myself, portrayed myself as dead for the money and was planning on leaving the country. I hear Sarajevo is nice this time of year. Oh well. By the way, it turned out that the Tylenol bottle in the kitchen of that house had Excedrin pills in it. Damn.
Later, QD.
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i hate myself cause i read the whole thing
Originally Posted by Spectic Tank
