Your garage tools and what they're really used for....
Hammer
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Stanley Knife
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing clothing, newly painted panels and tires.
Electric Hand Drill
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in the floor just above brake lines,fuel lines and gas tanks.
Vice-Grips
Used to round off bolt heads and score up most anything touched. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Oxy-Acetylene torch
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigars you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never find your BIC when you want it.
Whitworth Sockets
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old cigars from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
Drill Press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.
Wire Wheel
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and knuckle skin in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me another beer"
Hydraulic Jack
Ingeniously-designed tool for flipping cars onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.
Eight-Foot Long piece of 4X4
Used for levering a car upright after using a hydraulic jack
Tweezers
A tool for removing wood splinters.
Phone
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
Gasket Scraper
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise;used mostly for self-manicures..
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
Timing Light
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys and water pumps.
Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Capable of lifting a supercharged Atom off the floor.
Stanley 1/2 x 16-Inch Screwdriver
A large prying tool that for some reason has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
Battery Electrolyte Tester
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from your battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doorknob, just as you thought.
Hacksaw
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.Makes a dandy one way boomerang...
drop Light
The mechanic's own tanning booth.It is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night.The mechanics chioce for self inflicted tattoos/scars. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 75-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as a Hummer consumes fuel. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
Air Compressor
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transform it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts and rounds them off. Also used for tightening wheel nuts on a car to the point that if you get a flat you have no chance in Hell of undoing them with your tire iron on the side of the road.
High Pressure Cleaner
A device that takes tap water up to a high enough pressure to be able to wash grease out of wheel bearings and dirt in, while still on the car. Also useful in removing stickers and paint.
Arc welder
Primarily used to induce temporary blindness,can also be used for making iron copies of pigeon droppings..
Battery charger
Adevice used to suck all the remaining voltage out of your 7 year old battery.Doubles as an arc welder.
shop press
A vertical device used to bend spindles and driveshaft yokes into unrecognizable shapes.
work bench
a horizontal plane for storing pizza boxes,coffee cups and clothing
Reply With Quote
