hilarious letter
This is real and the craziest girl ever. Basically
this girl is writing her ex-boyfriend a letter three
years after their breakup. He responds and cc's to all
of his friends.
...she's crazy and he's hilarious....
*BEGINS HERE:*
Date: Wed, 1 Jun 2005 14:16:18 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Davey Neal presents: "An Ode to Instability"
Friends, Some of you may remember by ex-girlfriend
Sarah. I recently recieved a letter from her. I would
appreciate it if you would take the time to read it
and review my response. I hope all of you are well.
May 23, 2005
Dear Davey:
I have had a difficult time, over the past few
years, achieving closure of our relationship. It is
time for me to seek this. I have gone through the
appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness. It is
now time for me to close this chapter of my life. I am
trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of
identity back. In my professional life I have done
this, but my personal life struggles. For so long I/We
were "Sarah and Davey", that it is hard to gain my
own identity back. I am not worried about my career; I
will soon succeed even my wildest dreams. I am just
stunted by my personal life. I am ready to release you
from my life. I also on a weekly basis encounter
people who want to tell me about you or have a
discussion about you. I do not want to deal with this
anymore. I
do have a proposal on how to handle this. I am ready
to no longer be forced to deal with your presence. As
to how to deal with it, I propose the following:
1. I've heard you have an apartment on the West
side. You need to move out of the West side of
Indianapolis, this has always been my side of town, I
own a house here, and do not rent like you. I grew up
here, and
always want to live here. I would prefer if you were
to leave Indianapolis all together, but I know this is
more than I can ask. I do not want to risk running
into you at any store.
2. We should officially divide our friends.
Particularly Jim, Jillian, Amy, and Ed. You should
write them, thanking them for the opportunity to be
their friend and explain why you can no longer be in
contact with them. I can provide you with addresses,
if you need.
3. I will stay out of Republican politics. I promise
not to get involved with any Republican politics,
unless my father runs for judge, and than I reserve
the right to work on his campaign.
4. I would like you to not have anything to do with
all things Cathedral. I feel I should have ownership
of the school since my mother works there and my
brother and sisters went there. You are more tied to
Wabash. This should be where you dedicate your alumni
status. I will be involved in Cathedral. When the time
of reunions comes up, I am willing to say that you can
have the reunions ending in "0" years and I will take
the "5" years. So you can have 10 years and I will
take 25 years.
5. I will avoid Wabash contacts. The few guys from
the house I still speak to on a rare basis, I will
not. I will also discourage any male offspring I have
from
attending Wabash.
I know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but I
feel they are for the best. I do not ever really wish
to see you again. I know that this will of course
happen beyond my control, but I think we should do our
best to avoid what we can.
It is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take
the time to respond. This is my last request of you.
With fondness,
Sarah
May 31, 2005
Dear Sarah,
Thanks for your letter. We broke up 3 years ago.
Knowing that and taking into consideration you believe
me to be a cold, career focused, ego-maniac, what on
earth makes you think I would take the time to think
about you or agree to your proposal? But since I
clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a
moment to review some comments and counterproposals I
have crafted.
1. First, I will have to resist the burning urge to
move RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO YOU. After that deep desire
subsides, I will vacate the Westside and return to my
roots: The Snooty Northside, as you used to call it.
However, since I was born on the Northside and I have
Northside in my veins you must abdicate all ties to
the North. This includes: Living on the Northside,
living on the Northeastside, walking down North
Street, being a fan of the Dallas Stars (formerly the
Minnesota North Stars), wearing North Face apparel or
telling your children that Santa lives at the North
Pole.
1 (B). I was born in Indianapolis before you were
so I should really get to determine who stays and who
goes. In my benevolence I will let you exist here only
within the St. Michael's Parish boundary (MLK Dr. to
High School Rd. and 56th Street to 10th St.) We will
call this the SarahZone. This should be acceptable for
you as your family lives across the street and there
is a gas station, grocery, convenience store, your
place of employment and a fire station. Exceptions can
be made with my expressed written consent. You will
be required to display a large tag in your windshield
giving you permission to travel beyond the SarahZone.
2. I haven't talked to your friends since we broke
up. I think they got the message. However since we
apparently are still in fourth grade, please have your
friends meet me by the playground at recess so that I
can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren't
my friends anymore.
Do you agree? _______Yes ________No________Maybe
2 (B). One of the few times you let us do
something fun, we visited some of my family friends on
Geist. It was about eight years ago. We enjoyed their
boat and home for several hours during a pre-500
party. Please jot them a note saying you are going to
forget that ever happened. Please also offer to
reimburse them for
the boat gas, pool chlorine, air conditioning Freon,
Dr. Pepper and anything else you consumed while you
were there. I don't have their address anymore, you
can look it up.
3. Please let me know when your father runs for
anything. I'm going to run against him.
3 (B). Thanks for staying out of Republican
politics. Your heavyweight presence in the party will
be sorely missed. I am very involved in ice hockey. I
play recreationally and coach a youth team in the
winter. I would prefer it if you could stop being
involved in all things related to ice and ice hockey.
You can use those instant first aid coldpaks to cool
your drinks from now on.
Also, my parents have been very involved with the
Indianapolis 500 Festival for nearly 20 years. The
month of May is really a big month for us. While I am
not able to honor your request of moving out of
Indianapolis, I would ask that you just leave town
during May. With 250,000 fans going to the race and
35,000 runners in the Mini-Marathon, I don't want to
run the risk of bumping into you. I know your birthday
is in May, but man, I just don't care.
4. Christ, I don't have the energy for this one.
5. If any of my friends from Wabash actually still
talk to you, they are fucking fired as friends.
5 (B). I'm not going to tell my kids anything
about you. But speaking of kids, it would be okay with
me if my son was a crack addict, just as long as he
got your kids hooked on it and became their dealer.
In closing, I will never make decisions about my life
or my family based on whether I might run into you at
the store. I am now convinced that if we ever do bump
into each other, you will spontaneously combust. I
wish you the best of luck find a spouse.
Seriously. It won't be easy to find a person who is
willing to spend the rest of his life raising children
and making decisions based on your crazy-ass proposal
to an ex-boyfriend and your inability to act like a
rational human being.
All my best,
Davey
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