LNC Record Breaker (Whores Only)

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It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
-- Harry Hill

[never_finished]

im fawkin bored

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For me there are only two type of women: goddesses and doormats.
-- Pablo Picasso

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All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
-- Miguel De Cervantes

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Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
-- Sean Williamson

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Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-- W.C. Fields

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I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
-- Groucho Marx

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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
-- Lewis Grizzard

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A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

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I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.
-- Bob Hope

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A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
-- Jerry Dennis

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I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
-- Jack Benny

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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips

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I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
-- Eric Sykes

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Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-- Carl Zwanzig

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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

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My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
-- Wendy Leibman

[Flip]

im fawkin bored

Then go to lncftw !! its un boring!!

[Keebs ð¿ð]

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?'
She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.'
I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
-- Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990)

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I was born in Alabama. I was raised in Georgia. I'm so Southern I'm related to myself. I have a 12-year-old daughter. She takes after my daddy. She ought to. She's his.
-- Brett Butler

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I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
-- Garry Shandling

[JustinSane110™]

Nice, good quotes.

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I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
-- Jimmy Carter

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The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
-- Ronnie Barker

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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
-- Tommy Cooper

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I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
-- Tommy Cooper

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I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.
-- Henry Youngman

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I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.
-- Anonymous

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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-- Steven Wright

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Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.
-- Scott Roeben

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Roger Ebert has had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to give a thumbprint.
-- Andy Waits

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller

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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-- Billy Connolly

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I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
-- Les Dawson

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

[slowrolla97]

where are you getting all these... i know there cant be that much usless information in ones head

[Keebs ð¿ð]

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

[Keebs ð¿ð]

http://www.amusingquotes.com

lol