This story is fictional and did not take place at around 9am this morning.
I'm on my way to work. My stomach growls as if it misses eating food. Fucking liar stomach. I don't eat. I coast along the highway like the millions of other zombies that do the same ritual everyday. I awake as if I've been awoken from a century long sleep realizing there is a huge cluster fuck of....FUCKS in front of me on the highway. This is right before the 5N splits into the 405N. I pass a truck cop who has pulled over a Yaris. Serves him right fucking Yaris, eat shit. I realize there is an escape from the anxiety....the truck bypass. I cut across 4 lanes of traffic and barely make it into the bypass unscathed. Oh mother fuck. A dump truck. There is a dump truck, and an asshole, both trying to fuck up my morning. The asshole feels its safe to be in the trucks blind spot his entire commute, but I for one, hate assholes and hate dump trucks. Let them kill themselves, I'm getting out of here. I drop it in 4th gear and squeeze into the nook these two have left for me unwillingly. In my head I imagined pressing the "release all missles" button and fucking them both into oblivion. I haven't gotten that mod yet, but it's on my to do list. The bad thing is you have to buy more missles each time and those things are expensive. As I squeeze through this keyhole into Narnia, there happens to be a cop in one of those cop trucks on the shoulder checking for speeders. Oh wonderful! The last time I stopped for the highway patrol, it was $600 bucks out of my pocket, and they are trying to fill the budget gap by using me alone. The highway patrol is like the school bully that hangs you upside down and shakes free all your loose change. If the change is reluctant to drop, they give you a swirly. There's no time to slow down but I try anyway barely making a dent on my speed. I watch my rear view mirror intently and see him sure as shit merge onto the freeway with his crosshairs on me. I look infront of me and guess what? There's more FUCKS! I drop it in 4th gear again (no sense in using 3rd cause there are fucks) and start my escape from the law. My eyes are wide, my heart beat is escalated and my route is for the most part blocked. That doesn't stop me though. I find spaces that most people wouldn't try to fit in, counting on turning into the lane hard enough that my car is at an angle and in a sense shorter. I look for an empty lane and find it. As soon as I start my ascension into the lane, a fuck turns in without looking and I again regret not buying the "release all missles" button. The squash air freshener was more important at the time. "EAT ALL THE DICKS" I tell the fuck in my head, but he can't hear me. The fuck in the other car not the fuck in my head, cause that's me and I'm no fuck. I'm at this time confident I've made a wide enough gap on the highway patrol car, and there are enough fucks ruining his life as they had mine just a few moments earlier, so I exit irvine ctr drive and decide to hide in a parking structure until I'm confident that the danger level has decreased.
I sit in the parking structure and think to myself, "things and stuff." That was supposed to be a placeholder of my thoughts until I found out what I really was thinking. But when thinking of what I was thinking at that moment I realized it was pretty much "things and stuff." Maybe a few explatives as well, like, "fucking things and shit and stuff." I decide to take the 5N instead of the 405N in case that cop is looking out for me and telling all his buddies how cool I am. I head towards the 5N onramp and get stuck at the light before it. As I wait in line for more fucks to gain courage enough to make a right turn on red when there are no cars coming in the opposing direction, I see a familiar sight. A highway patrol car in line to make a left turn as I'm trying to go right. I try to stay calm, maybe he doesn't know who I am, maybe if I don't make eye contact he'll pretend he never saw. Or maybe his buddy in the patrol truck told him to fuck me in the ass using a blunt object and take me to prison. As I make my turn, I use my peripherals to gauge his actions. So far so good...nothing of note....fuck me again! Cop turns on his lights and makes a U-turn to come in my direction. I'm in second gear and take the onramp in a semi-cautious and quasi-speed racer manner. I see that at the end of the on ramp...there's a light. There is two lanes, one empty and one with a small truck in it. The light is red. The red light is still red as the truck remains still at the red light. It remains red until I get there. I get there and it's greeen. I didn't even have to slow down. I take off once again into the sea of fucks. I feel like every lane I turn into, the person in front of me purposely slows down to block me in. These assholes! Where are my missles!?!?! It would be so easy to just press one button and get one fuck off the road for eternity. Hopefully his entire family is in his car so I don't have to waste missles on his kids when they get older. They're expensive.
I navigate through the sea of fucks and slow down by Culver rd. I'm thinking jesus christ, there are a lot of cops out today, I've got to be careful from now on. I've never seen cops on my daily route to work before. I take the carpool lane home everyday and never run into any problems, I got to quit that habit for the time being and lay low for a while. I guess I can miss out on an extra 30 minutes of dota in exchange for sitting in traffic and playing it safe. Maybe. As I approach culver road and of course come to all these revelations, I see something obscuring the shoulder on the freeway. My vision is not terrible, but not excellent. It's certainly better than Seps hearing thank god, but I'm feeling aged as my eyesight is notably suffering. (blueprint vagina reference) As I get closer this object in the shoulder starts moving, and of course with my luck, it's a cop. This time it's a biker cop. I've had all three of the various highway patrol units on my ass now. A patrol truck, car and bike. This cop saw me coming and decided he'd get a head start and fuck me in a way that his friends have failed in doing. With a cactus or something. I use 3rd gear this time to make up some distance and follow my navigation towards the 55S. I cautiously head towards the left lanes. These lanes are safe, the fucks here are under the impression that they are going "fast." The cop is coming up as I get locked into place by a combination of fucks and fuckettes and fucks in trucks. He's closing the gap. I pass the 55N. I'm still in the left lane. The cop alters his path towards me by changing from the right lanes to the left most lanes. As he changes into my lane, I cut across the freeway and take the 55S. He can't make it. Fucked him without the missles. He stares at me and I wave goodbye. I giggle in amusement as I dodged a bullet three times on my way to work and will still make it on time. I'm sure he's pissed off and I've got to be home free by now. How many cops are in this fucking county anyways? Free at last....
Fuck! How do I get to work tomorrow?
One of the greatest kill stories ever written (very long)
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Originally Posted by cprtyler
