jokes

[boosted1jz]

There is a young accountant who is out late one night and he comes home to a wife who is quiet upset. She welcomes him home with a "where the hell have you been?" to which he responds "I just got a tattoo of the 100 dollar bill on my penis" The young man proudly displays his new accomplishment to his wife. Very distrubed she asks him why he would do such a thing, and the accountant responds with three reasons. 1. I like to watch my money grow. 2. I like the way my money feels in my hands. and 3. Instead of going to the mall every weekend to blow a hundered bucks you can stay here and do it all the time.

A woman has a heart attack and almost dies on the operating table. During her near death experience, she sees God and asks him, "Is it my time yet?"

God responds, "No. You have another 40 years to live."

The woman recovers and figures, since she's got 40 more years to live, she might as well get a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

As she walks out of the hospital, she's killed by a runaway ambulance. She goes up to heaven and says to God, "I thought you said I had another 40 years left?!"

God replies, "Yes, but I didn't recognize you."

[boosted1jz]

A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern and takes a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence." says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks." he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.



A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and
everyone
inside dies. When they get to meet their Maker, because of the grief
they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before
they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what she wish is. "I
want
to be gorgeous." So God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second

one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another

snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is
halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When

there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The
guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line...smile!

[B16a2 Civic]

FUNNAY FUNNAY!!

[boosted1jz]

((((RING))))
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul "

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the
driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He
was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it. he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's
dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486 -5731 ??




Thuh Girls night out...

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.



One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'