lame jokes for your thursday
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find
her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became
violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor
apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was
asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she
began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
______________________________________________
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our
drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food
it
is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front
row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
______________________________________________
This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His
wife says, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get
me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife gets out of her rocker
and puts on her coat. He said," Where are you going?".
She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He said, "Why?" She
said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going
to get me a tetanus shot."
______________________________________________
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the
French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the
customs officer asked sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he
had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have
your
passport ready.
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on
arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then
he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on
D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any
Frenchmen
to show it to."
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old
blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal
and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his
every
word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance,
they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you
persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and
says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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