Jokes for reps

[Dirty Octopus™]

Why?

Because it was a man eating shark! not a girl eating shark!

[DurtySpeed]

Aight, some funny shit ya. Everyone check your reps. HerSideKick, it wouldn't let me rep you again. I don't remember ever repping you either, but it says I did. So......

goldeneyes, thanks.

[DurtySpeed]

TheSnail, it wouldn't let me rep you either. I must have given you rep in a rep thread recently.

[speedminded]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

[DurtySpeed]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

Lmao. That was funny.

[bigdare23]

Not a joke, but a funny pickup line:


"Hey baby, how's about you be the graph, and I be the derivative?
That way, I can be tangent to all your curves."

I hate being a math major, I get this "joke"

[SixSquared]

So a UGA fan, an Auburn fan, a Tennessee fan, and a Bama fan are all, somehow, trapped at the top of a mountain. They start bickering about who amongst them is the truest fan. The Tennessee fan jumps up and says "I'm such a true fan, WATCH THIS!" and he jumps off the mountain, singing Rocky Top on the way down. The Bama fan, not about to be outdone, gets up and hurls himself off the mountain, yelling "ROLL TIDE" as he falls. The UGA fan and Auburn fan look at each other, and the UGA fan is the first on his feet. The Auburn says "Stupid bulldawg you're about to jump off a mountain".

UGA fan grabs Auburn fan, throws him off the mountain, and says "HEY WAR EAGLE LEARN HOW TO FLY!"

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What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

"Damn baby we DO taste like chicken"

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I'm no Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed ROCK!!!

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So a guy comes home from the bar, drunk off his ass. His wife is home, irritated. The man starts talking about the bar he just came from...

"Honey it's AMAZING! Everything is GOLD!!!! The BAR is gold, the STOOLS are gold, it's AWESOME" ... a few minutes later, he passes out.

The next night is a repeat of the night before. He comes home, drunk yet again, going on and on about this bar... "Honey, it's AWESOME! Even the TOILETS are made of gold!"

The woman decides she's had about enough of it, and the next morning, she looks up "gold bar" in the yellow pages, and sure enough, finds a phone number. So she calls...

"Yes, I have a question... Are your barstools made of gold?" The bartender replies that they are. "Is your entire bar made of gold?" again, the bartender confirms. "Ok, are your TOILETS made of gold?" The bartender asks her to hold for a moment and turns to the house band...

"Hey Larry I know who's been pissin in your trombone!"

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What's the difference between Atheists, Jewish people, and Southern Baptists??

Atheists don't recognize God as a supreme power

Jewish people don't recognize Jesus as the son of God

Southern Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

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So I'm on this plane from ATL to NYC, and the captain comes on the mic, doing the whole "We're making good time, should be in NYC in approximately 3 hours, we're flying at however many feet" deal. Well, I guess he forgot to turn off his mic, because the entire cabin of the plane can hear his small talk with the co-pilot. They chat for a while, and then the captain says "You know what I could really go for right now? A blow job and a cup of good coffee". At this point, the flight attendant goes running up the cabin to let the captain know that the entire plane is privy to his conversation. As she passes by, a man leans into the aisle and says "Don't forget the coffee honey!"

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You know, baby, we should do an old fashioned kinda date.... Dinner and a movie... You can be dinner, and we'll make a movie.

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After finding out that she is pregnant with their fifth child, a redneck woman makes her redneck husband go to the doctor for a vasectomy. The husband concedes, and makes an appointment. When he gets to the doctor's office, he says that he doesn't have health insurance, and asks if there's a lower cost alternative. The doctor, always wanting to help, says there is... "Go to the store, buy a 12 pack of beer and some cherry bombs. Drink all 12 of the beers, light the cherry bomb, put it in the beer bottle, and count to 10. Problem solved". The redneck man is happy that there is such a low cost alternative.

So he goes to the store, buys a 12 pack of PBR and a cherry bomb, and goes home to commence drinking. When he is finished with his 12th beer, he lights the cherry bomb and begins counting. He is so drunk that he keeps losing his place in the numbers, so he puts the bottle bomb down between his legs in order to count on his fingers. Problem solved.

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Three men walked into a bar.... the fourth one ducked.

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Three ducks are walking about, being ducks, when they come to a pond. The pond is so clean and nice looking that they just GOTTA go in. They stop before getting in... There is a sign that very plainly says "NO SWIMMING". They get in anyways and are having a great time. Well, as fate would have it, the duck police show up and arrest the three ducks. They go to appear before the duck judge.

"What is your name?" The judge asks the first duck

"My name is Duck". She replies.

"Were you swimming in the pond?" The judge asks.

"No... just blowing bubbles in the water". The judge looks at her, deciding whether to believe this story.

"10 days in jail for you, unless you can prove your story." Duck is silent, and the police come to take her to jail...

"What is your name?" the judge asks the second duck.

"My name is Duck Duck" the second duck replies.

"Were you swimming in the pond?"

"No, just blowing bubbles in the water". The judge again stares down the duck, and decides she will scare the truth out of them.

"One month in jail, unless you can prove your story". Duck Duck is silent, and the police come and take her to jail. The judge then turns to the third duck.

"Let me guess... you're Duck Duck... Duck??" The judge asks with a smirk.

"No ma'am, but I can prove their alibi" the third duck replies. The judge is surprised and tells the duck to continue.

"Well, ma'am" he says... "They call me Bubbles...."

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Enjoy my jokes/pickup lines guys! Some have been posted on here before, some are stolen from movies, some are out of the chasms of my head, but all are funnay!