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Thread: Church Bulletins (Think sarcastically), lol

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  1. 03-14-2006, 02:43 PM #1
    Tiff-O-Bitties
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    Default Church Bulletins (Think sarcastically), lol

    Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
    These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
    The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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    Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours"
    :boobies: & = :idb:
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  2. 03-14-2006, 02:45 PM #2
    kelly marie
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    lol those are funny
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  3. 03-14-2006, 02:47 PM #3
    babygurl
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    good find! FUNNY!!!!!!!!
    grand prix.....
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  4. 03-14-2006, 02:47 PM #4
    collins
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    up yours!
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