Dirty Jokes

[§treet_§peed]

Lets see what you got!!!!


Here's one:

Girls night outTwo women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Rican219]

[Hulud]

...not that dirty...

[§treet_§peed]

oh shit!

[RandomGuy]

[§treet_§peed]

aight here's one, it's kuinda retarded though.

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,
"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.
"It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
,the other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"

[thinkfast®]

[§treet_§peed]

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

[boosted1jz]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
!
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because e on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Sibious]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
!
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because e on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

that last one is funny as hell

[Hulud]

[§treet_§peed]

this shit has got too hurt!!!

[boosted1jz]

What did the mexican say when the house fell on him?
"HEY GET OFF ME HOMZ!!!"

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk." "I know," she said, "I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"


A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

[thinkfast®]

this is a wack ass thread

-1

[§treet_§peed]

???????

[thinkfast®]

???????

HEY YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH, YOU CAN'T NEGATIVE REP ME WHEN YOU ARE IN THE NEGATIVES YOURSELF, YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH

-1 FOR YOUR ASS, YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH

[Halfwit]

2 good posts by boosted1jz..=rep

[§treet_§peed]

this is for fun and to coop with bordom!! if you don't like it, then don't read it and leave.

[thinkfast®]

~leaves~

[§treet_§peed]

:idb: .....

[boosted1jz]

Why do blondes hate vibrators?

Because they hurt their teeth.


Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.
"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.

"Oh no,"she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks."
With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.

[boosted1jz]

Anger Management
>
>When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
>it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
>on someone you don't know.
>
>I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
>to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying
>"Hello."
>
>I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
>Carter?"
>
>Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in
>number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
>
>I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
>Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
>transposed the last two digits.
>
>After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
>
>When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and

>hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
>and put it in my desk drawer.
>
>Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

>I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
>
>It always cheered me up.
>
>When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole
>calling" would have to stop.
>
>So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon.

>I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
>
>He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
>
>I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
>
>One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
>Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
>patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
>for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in

>his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the
>number.
>
>A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
>his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
>asshole, too I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
>
>"Yes, it is", he said.
>
>"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
>
>"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and
>the car's parked right out in front."
>
>"What's your name?" I asked.
>
>"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
>
>"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
>
>"I'm home every evening after five."
>
>"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>
>"Yes?"
>
>"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
>speed dial, too.
>
>Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up
>with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello."
>
>"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
>
>"Are you still there?" he asked.
>
>"Yeah," I said.
>
>"Stop calling me," he screamed.
>
>"Make me," I said.
>
>"Who are you?" he asked.
>
>"My name is Don Hansen."
>
>"Yeah? Where do you live?"
>
>"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
>black Beamer parked in front."
>
>He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
>saying your prayers."
>
>I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
>
>Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
>
>"Hello, asshole," I said.
>
>He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
>
>"You'll what?" I said.
>
>"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
>
>I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
>now."
>
>Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
>at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to
>kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war
>going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
>
>I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just
>in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
>front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
>
>NOW I feel much better.
>
>Anger management really works.
>

[§treet_§peed]

funny shit

[§treet_§peed]

Q: What were the 2 Mexican FireFighting Brother's names?
A: Hose A and Hose B

[§treet_§peed]

This Mexican dude was taking a pee on the side of a building and this Texan sees him. After the Mexican is done the texan bloke asks him, "How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands after you pee?"
The Mexican smiles, "Senior, we Mexicans don't piss in our hands..."

[SixSquared]

Three nuns are walking back to the convent after volunteering at a nursing home. Suddenly, three guys jump out and, at gunpoint, pull off their habits and begin having sex with them.

The first nun looks skyward and says "lord, forgive him.. he knows not his sin"

The second nun looks up and says "Lord forgive this man. He does not know what he does"

The third nun looks up and says "Good GOD this one does!"


---------------------

A man is driving down the road, and sees a nun on the side of the road, hitchiking. Out of pity, he pulls over. The nun and he have a good conversation, and soon the man feels he needs to come clean.

"I have to be honest with you... I've always wanted to kiss a nun... May I kiss you?" The man asks. The nun looks surprised, but agrees.

A few miles later, the nun starts giggling.

"What's so funny?" the man asks.

"I have to be honest... I'm not a nun... I'm on my way to a costume party, and my name's John"

--------------------------

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

"Damn baby we DO taste like chicken"

-----------------------------

A bear comes across a rabbit in the woods. Just before the bear swipes the fatal blow, he has a change of heart.

"Just go" the bear says to the rabbit. At that moment, a fairy appears.

"I am the good deed fairy. Because you, mister bear, spared the life of Mr. Rabbit, I will give you each three wishes. Mr. Bear, we will start with you."

The bear things for a minute. "I wish every bear in this area was a female bear". The fairy closed her eyes, and said "it is so"

The rabbit grinned, and said "I wish for a motorcycle." POOF, a shiny new F4i appears.

The bear looks at him, confused, but makes his next wish. "I wish the bears in the NEXT forest were all females". The fairy wiggled her nose and said "it is so".

The rabbit giggles, and says "I wish for a crash helmet". POOF, a helmet appears in the rabbit's paws. He puts it on and swings a leg over his new bike.

The bear is confused at the rabbit's odd wishes, but makes his final wish "Alright.. I wish every bear in the WORLD was a female bear, so I'm the only male bear in the world!" The fair wiggled her nose and said "it is so".

The fairy turns to the rabbit, and says "and your final wish, Mr. Rabbit?"

Mr Rabbit revs his motorcycle, and as he pulls away, he yells "I WISH MR. BEAR WAS GAY!"

[§treet_§peed]

keep them coming people!!!!

[collins]

emily's jokes rule!

crack, your joke had me rollin tho!

[Nismo]

that mister bear one is awesome!

[§treet_§peed]

who else has got some funny or dirty jokes or pictures!?!?!?!

[1439/2000]

You are retarded and nobody thinks you're funny.

I have a joke:

This dumbass comes to a forum and asks whats the best motor every manufacturer makes???

Makes fun of some cool cars, says he wants to run them, gets called out

Then admits his car is slow, doesn't run, and looks like ass and doesnt have a camera to post up pictures of it.


lol i like your sig, though you have no idea how slow i think your car is.

[§treet_§peed]

1439/2000 and thinkfast, fuck you both. if you got beef with me lets settle it.

[thinkfast®]

1439/2000 and thinkfast, fuck you both. if you got beef with me lets settle it.

SETTLE DEEZ NUTS MUTHAFUCKER!! WHATS YOUR DEAL? NEG REPS DONT PHASE ME SON, TRY AGAIN YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH

[§treet_§peed]

and as for me sking for the engine info, that might be a little to much for your simple minded ass to understand.

[300z]

What do a fat chick and a brick have in common?






They are both gonna get laid by a mexican sooner or later!

[§treet_§peed]

go back to mexico wetback. no offense to my other hispanic friends.

[thinkfast®]

BACK TO MEXICO?? ARE YOU SERIOUS HOMEY???

I can go to your hood in Gainesville and find more mexicans then Juarez there to beat your ass... no need to go back you ignorant piece of shit

TRY ME YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH

[§treet_§peed]

look dumbshit, this started over nothing. i mean you come on hear talking shit, because you don't like the fact that i was just trying to find some entertainment for people. i mean what the hell dude?? i'm not really racist but damn, i get degrrade people when they start degrading me.

[thinkfast®]

YOU CALL THAT ENTERTAINMENT? LAME ASS JOKES AND RACIST COMMENTS? YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH

YOUS A NOBODY HOMEY, YOU DON'T WANT IT MAN, TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT SHIT. TAKE THE LOSS, PEOPLE DISCOVERED THE DUMB SON OF A BITCH THAT YOU ARE. LEAVE IT AT THAT, MOVE FORWARD.

[§treet_§peed]

fuck you ass wipe. some people that some of the jokes were funny. and i didn't make a racist somment until you starting degrading me, maybe you don't know what that means, but anyway, you have to give respect to get it homey.