just really bored and wanted to laugh at something.
FML v.3
just really bored and wanted to laugh at something.
Today, my friends and me had a little water balloon fight and somehow it led to throwing water balloons at cars. We all decided to hit a car all at once, after one came by we all hit it. The car stopped and started flashing bright blue lights. We ended up hitting an off-duty police car. FML
I would laugh for days at this!!!!!!!!
Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML
Today, my parents came to visit me at the ranch I work at. They're scared to death of horses, but I was explaining how they are almost completely harmless. I was showing them how to work around the horse without getting kicked. As they relaxed, the horse kicked me. I now have a broken leg. FML
Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having sex. FML
Today, my wife went to the hospital because she had been gaining weight recently and had missed her period the last three months. We thought it was menopause. Turns out she's pregnant. I've been sterile since the day I was born. FML
Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML
Today, I got a letter from Princeton that said i got accepted. I jumped for joy screaming at the top of my lungs. My little brother walks in laughing with his camcorder on record. He played a joke on me and gave me the real letter. I was denied. FML
Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML
Today, I was invited to a pink panty party at my neighbor's apt. I went out and bought the cutest pair of pink panties and went over to the party in only them and a matching bra. When I opened the door everyone was wearing jeans. Apparently a pink panty is a mixed drink. FML
Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML
Today, my girlfriend threw my things out. As I was trying to pack to leave for good, she tossed my wireless router. I leave to call someone to pick me up, she slaps me in my head, grabs keys, balls up her fist and threatens to kill me. I call the cops... and I get put in the cop car immediately. FML
holy ballz this thread is win.
Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML
there we go... now its age correctOriginally Posted by NVEOUS
Win in this thread indeed!
Today, while babysitting my nephews, one of them (7 year old boy) walks up to me and ask if I was a lesbian. I laughed it off. What ensued was an argument about my sexuality for a good two hours... I lost. FML
Today, I decided that I was bored while I was pooping and decided to paint my nails. I had to wait at least 30 minutes to wipe. FML
Today, whilst having lunch with a friend, talking about my multiple straight and one gay hookup from the night before, my phone rang and I thought it'd rang out. Turns out it didn't, I'd hit answer and for 27 seconds my dad heard it all. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I had bad stomach cramps so I asked if I could use the bathroom. After half an hour, I flushed the toilet, it backs up and floods the bathroom. To make things worse, when I opened the door, I slipped on the wet tiles. FML
Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML
Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML
THIS IS SAMMICH RIGHT HERE!!!!!
Today, I posted on a forum asking if I could be a Moderator, instead, I got banned. FML
Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriends parents. The minute I told them I came from a German background, her little brother (age 7) yelled out and pointed at me HITLER! FML
Today, the girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time. FML
Today, I was feeling sick, so I called my boyfriend who lives down the street to come and keep me company. He replied with, "no, I can't come over, I'm busy, I'm playing xbox." FML
Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML
Today, a guy sitting next to me in class asked me for a pen. I accidentally handed him a tampon instead. FML
Today, I was at a bar in Canada and was really hitting it off with a girl. She asked how big my junk was and I told her in inches... They use centimeters. FML
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! funniest thing ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In the 16 hour traffic jam before the Phish show, we observed a woman run into the woods with her boyfriend. The two perched on the steep banking, not hardly out of sight of the headlights, when she pulled down her dress, revealed her stark white ass, and assumed the squatting position. She was squatting too long to merely urinate and was obviously laying serious cable. To our amazement, her head dissappeared into the mans crotch!! Social morays be damned, this was a reverse blumpkin, and the symphony of car horns signalled the glee and elation of the stunned masses.
Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML
Most of your post count is from FML. lol
LOL YEA only about a hundred of it though.
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of asians trying to take a picture. Trying to be a diplomat, I slowly say "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says "No thanks asshole. I got it." in plain english. FML
Today I met my girlfriend's very religious parents for the first time for dinner. Somehow we got to talking about her groin hernias that were repaired as a baby. I never knew she had hernias repaired and said, "But she doesn't have any scars down there". Long awkward silence. FML
Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML
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