FML v.2
Ok so since some of you liked the FML thread yesterday I thought i would make another one for you all today. Especially JM.
Today, I was going to a concert. I left my wallet at home because I was afraid it would get stolen, or lost or something. After an awesome night, I came back home to find that my house had been broken into, and every dollar that was in my wallet got stolen. FML
Today, my mom suspected me of doing marijuana. She went and bought a home-drug test and sent me to the bathroom. As I went in, I realized there was already pee in the toilet. I scooped that instead of my own and handed it to my mom. It came up positive. My sister used the bathroom last. She's 12. FML
bwhahaha
Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML
Today, my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him "if you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore." His response was "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me." We've been having sex for 3 months now. FML
Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML
Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML
Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML
Today, I had a blacklight in my room for an upcoming party. Just for fun, I decided to shine it on my loft bed, and the comforter lit up like a Christmas tree, as did several spots on the floor underneath. I don't have a boyfriend, but my roommate does. FML
Today, I had an anxiety attack when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He pulled me close to him and I started to feel better, until he put my hand down his pants and around his penis and said, "Here! Try this to take your mind off it." FML
Today, I was having lunch with my sister and my mother. While my mom was busy ordering food, my sister said to me, "look at this face I can make!" and she grossly contorted her face so that she had a double chin. My mother looked over and said to her, "stop making fun of your sister!" FML
Today, I fell asleep in class. As a joke, my professor used an airhorn to wake me up. I got so freaked out that I punched the girl next to me in the face. She got knocked out. FML
Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks,"Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML
Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML
this one is epic
Today, it has been a year and a half since my boyfriend discovered online poker. Annoyed to see him spending every evening playing on his laptop, I threatened him: “Now honey, you have to choose. It’s your poker or me!” Answer: “You are bluffing!” FML
IA Rules doesn't allow these images in sigs
- IA Mgmt
How the hell is this one on the site?:
Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend, while a beautiful girl was looking at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want my girl to be upset, so I escaped to the bar. Later, I saw this girl kissing my girlfriend... Maybe I wasn't the one that she was looking at. FML
IA Rules doesn't allow these images in sigs
- IA Mgmt
I posted that yesterday. I would take them both back home.
Today, my girl handcuffed me to the bed. I willingly let her thinking we were about to have some fun. She then took my phone and read a sent message; 'Wanna hook up?' to my ex. She left me cuffed and blindfolded, and painted my nails before she left. The sent message was from before I met her. FML
TOO FUNNY!!!!
Today I had to perform a skit in my class. My skit included me wearing tight spandex compression shorts. The class laughed pretty hard, and I felt good. Afterward, a girl I have a crush on said, "So the stereotype about Asian guys IS true." Through the fluorescent lights you could see my junk. FML
Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get diarrhea up and down two of the store aisles, then proceed to the ladies room and mess all over the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with biohazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML
Today, I had an excellent conversation with this guy I met on a gay dating site. We really hit it off well and had a lot in common. We got to the point where he asked me for my picture. I showed it to him and he stopped responding. FML
Today we are celebrating our 1 year anniversary. I put on a sexy outfit, red dress, slinky underwear, and waited for him on the sofa. He gets home from work and asks me with a quizzical look: "You going out tonight?" FML
Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML
Today I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. We all looked together at family photos on the computer. The first picture was a close up of my mother, bare breasts in full view. FML
Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML
Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone's trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I go onto my balcony and ask in a loud voice if everything's ok and if she needs anything. Her and her boyfriend shout back in unison: "We're fucking, go away". FML
Today, after having waited for 3 long months, my girlfriend, who's really shy, finally gave me a blow job. Everything was fine until I said "You're really talented...". I probably shouldn't have added "Anyone would think you've been practising your whole life." FML
EPIC!!!!
Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML
Today I sent a text message to my boyfriend: "Come over in an hour, I love you." An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was my ex, looking happy and still as taken with me as before, with a bunch of roses. I'd got the wrong number - my ex and my boyfriend have the same name. FML
Today, I pointed out to my girlfriend that she wasn't jealous. She replied, "Well actually, I am, I just can't prove it cause no one else is interested in you". FML
Today, my boyfriend was lying down on top of me and he was looking at me with passionate eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me he loved me. But instead he said "You have a bogey". FML
Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I have the family house for ourselves. When we realize we don't have any condoms left, we run to the store. I slam the door, leaving the keys inside. Now we have condoms... but no place to use them. FML
Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML
Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML
Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML
Only a site as shitty as this one would go to ANOTHER site to post up posts that ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY just to show how lame and boring this site is.
Maybe some of you loserclowns should go register over there.
why dont you STFU and get out of my thread!
NVEOUS - Waaaa leave me alone you meanie.
Greed - *spits on NVEOUS's face then leaves this pathetic thread*
please continue... I el oh el'd
RIP Kaleb Mashburn
thank you alli
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