friday jokes

[boosted1jz]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going
to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time
to do it.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like
everyone else .

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the
windshield.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your lips are moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped
on our butt. Then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your
birthday...around age 11.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

30. Everyone is someone's weirdo.

[Hulud]

...

[boosted1jz]

> > A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
> > confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
> > cleaner."
> >
> > Good morning, "said the young man."If I could take a couple of minutes of
> > your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
> > vacuum cleaners."
> >
> > "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I am flat broke" and she
> > proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
> > foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!" he said.
> > "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he
> > emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum
> > cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet,
> > Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
> >
> > The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good
> > appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning




An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his
son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[silver]

I want to be someones weirdo....

[boosted1jz]

I want to be someones weirdo....

u can be my weirdo but only if i can be ur weirdo

[Hulud]

nice

[boosted1jz]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "And I'm afraid that the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they were on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being discovered. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

You thought the ending would be different, didn't you?

[boosted1jz]

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. He was looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, and trying to figure out the wind direction and speed. In short, he was driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball already!"

The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it man, you'll never hit her from here!"




A woman is in a hospital in a coma. After a few days, the nurse notices that every time she sponge-bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.

She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately.

The nurse, upset that her idea had not only failed, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what happened.

He replied, "I'm not sure, but I think she choked."




Why do chicken coups only have 2 doors?

Cause if they had 4 it would be called a chicken sedan.




A Pirate walks into a bar with a huge steering wheel attached to his balls
Bartender: Um, why do you have that thing attached to your balls
Pirate: Arrggg.. what thing
Bartender: The steering wheel.. that has to be fuckin annoying
Pirate: Arrggg.. its driving me nuts!

[B16a2 Civic]

funnay FUNNAY as always