Brett
04-26-2006, 11:28 AM
>>>If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
>>>for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
>>>slowly.
>>
>>>If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
>>>judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
>>>how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time
>>>Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
>>>the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster
>>>named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>>>
>>>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>>>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>>>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
>>>to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
>>>other two judges (Native Texans)
>>>that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I
>>>could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>>>
>>>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>>>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
>>>could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>>>flames out.
>>> I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>>
>>>
>>>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>>
>>> Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>>seriously.
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
>>>what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>>>wanted to give me the
>>> Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
>>>when they saw the look on my face.
>>>
>>> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
>>>feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
>>>now.
>>> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
>>>me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
>>>getting
>>> shit-faced from all-of the beer.
>>>
>>> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
>>>Disappointing.
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
>>>fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>>>unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
>>>beermaid,
>>> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
>>>300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm
>>>eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>>
>>>
>>> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>>adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
>>and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
>>needed paramedics.
>> The contestant seemed offended when I told her
>>that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
>>bleeding by pouring beer
>> directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
>>burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
>>me to stop screaming.
>> Screw those rednecks.
>>
>>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>spices and peppers.
>
>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>>garlic. Superb.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
>>gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried
>>it will eat through the chair.
>> No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
>>snow cone.
>>
>> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
>
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
>>peppers.
>
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
>>of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
>>worried about Judge # 3.
>> He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
>>cursing uncontrollably.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
>>I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>>like it is made of
>> rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
>>which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
>>my shirt. At least during the
>> autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>>decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
>>oxygen anyway. If I need air,
>> I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
>>my stomach.
>
>> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
>>too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
>>mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>>passed out,
>> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
>>himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
>>have reacted to really hot chili?
>
>> Judge # 3 - No Report
>>>for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
>>>slowly.
>>
>>>If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
>>>judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
>>>how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time
>>>Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
>>>the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster
>>>named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>>>
>>>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>>>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>>>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
>>>to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
>>>other two judges (Native Texans)
>>>that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I
>>>could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>>>
>>>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>>>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
>>>could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>>>flames out.
>>> I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>>
>>>
>>>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>>
>>> Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>>seriously.
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
>>>what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>>>wanted to give me the
>>> Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
>>>when they saw the look on my face.
>>>
>>> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
>>>feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
>>>now.
>>> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
>>>me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
>>>getting
>>> shit-faced from all-of the beer.
>>>
>>> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>>>
>>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
>>>Disappointing.
>>>
>>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
>>>fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
>>>
>>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>>>unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
>>>beermaid,
>>> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
>>>300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm
>>>eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>>>
>>>
>>> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>>adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>
>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
>>and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
>>needed paramedics.
>> The contestant seemed offended when I told her
>>that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
>>bleeding by pouring beer
>> directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
>>burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked
>>me to stop screaming.
>> Screw those rednecks.
>>
>>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>>
>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>spices and peppers.
>
>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>>garlic. Superb.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
>>gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried
>>it will eat through the chair.
>> No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
>>snow cone.
>>
>> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
>
>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
>>peppers.
>
>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
>>of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
>>worried about Judge # 3.
>> He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
>>cursing uncontrollably.
>>
>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
>>I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>>like it is made of
>> rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
>>which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
>>my shirt. At least during the
>> autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>>decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
>>oxygen anyway. If I need air,
>> I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
>>my stomach.
>
>> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
>>too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
>>mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>>passed out,
>> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
>>himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
>>have reacted to really hot chili?
>
>> Judge # 3 - No Report