Jokes for reps

[DurtySpeed]

I am bored and want to hear some funny jokes. Post it in here and if it is funny I will give you rep. I will give until I can't give anymore. Please and thank you.

[DurtySpeed]

Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

[DurtySpeed]

Christmas Cookie Dough

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

[DurtySpeed]

The Blind Guy Polemic

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

[DurtySpeed]

Split Up The Middle

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

[DurtySpeed]

Car Crash

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.' 'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'

[Rabunchic]

LOL

[speedminded]

Confucius Say
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

[2.0civic]

theres a few versions of this but this si the funniest

Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially" and " reality"

Dad: I will show you. Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with the milkman for 1 million dollars?

Wife: Yes of course! its a million dollars

Then Dad asks his daughter the same question

Daughter: Wow! Yes! why wouldnt I?

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him the same as well

Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars!

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but "in reality" we are living with 2 whores and a queer.


ROFL, things people will do for money. then theres the cuban, mexican, and american on a bus joke but i figured that was uncalled for at the present time.....

[DurtySpeed]

Confucius Say
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.


Lol, true.

[2.0civic]

Confucius Say
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
word homie. hell ill geive you some rep for that one

[DurtySpeed]

Why don't witches wear undies?







To get better grip on their brooms.

[DurtySpeed]

word homie. hell ill geive you some rep for that one

I tried but it said that I must spread rep before giving it to you again.

[DurtySpeed]

Your mama so nasty, that after we had phone sex I got an ear infection!

[D.Choe]

Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''

LOL, funny as it is, I've clapped in the bathroom when I knew my friend was taking a shit and I was like "YEAH SHOW THAT NUMBER TWO WHO'S BOSS!"
I think I might try 15 sometime soon.
17 is just disturbing...haha

Anyway, here's a joke:
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[DurtySpeed]

LOL, funny as it is, I've clapped in the bathroom when I knew my friend was taking a shit and I was like "YEAH SHOW THAT NUMBER TWO WHO'S BOSS!"
I think I might try 15 sometime soon.
17 is just disturbing...haha

Anyway, here's a joke:
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."


Lol, check your reps.

[rolling_trip]

I got one..........................."dtbd"

[DurtySpeed]

I got one..........................."dtbd"


Explain

[ORGANIZATIONXIII]

Husband gets 3 wishes from a genie.. but the stipulation is, whatever you wish your wife gets 2x what you get...

1st Wish, wishes for a car, wife gets 2
2nd Wish, wishes for a house, wife gets 2

3rd wish, wishes to be beaten half to death.. wife gets beat to death..

buahahahaha.. get it? lol'z

[DurtySpeed]

Husband gets 3 wishes from a genie.. but the stipulation is, whatever you wish your wife gets 2x what you get...

1st Wish, wishes for a car, wife gets 2
2nd Wish, wishes for a house, wife gets 2

3rd wish, wishes to be beaten half to death.. wife gets beat to death..

buahahahaha.. get it? lol'z


lol, aight, I will take it. Check your reps.

[DurtySpeed]

Also, reps to the first person to tell me what the fuck LIRL means.

[speedminded]

Also, reps to the first person to tell me what the fuck LIRL means.laugh in real life

4 more reps and i'll have another green bar :)

[DurtySpeed]

laugh in real life

Thanks but man I can't give you more reps right now. I will be sure to hit you again as soon as it rolls back around. :cool:

[rolling_trip]

Explain

TONS of comedy in here (http://forums.importatlanta.com/showthread.php?t=52039)

[Dirty Octopus™]

Why was the girl not afraid of the shark?

[DurtySpeed]

TONS of comedy in here (http://forums.importatlanta.com/showthread.php?t=52039)


Lol, that was some funny shit. Check your reps.

[DurtySpeed]

Why was the girl not afraid of the shark?


Why?

[goldeneyes]

I gotcha....:tongue:


laugh in real life

4 more reps and i'll have another green bar :)

[DurtySpeed]

I gotcha....:tongue:

Thanks for hittin him up for me. I repped you.

[fawk_you]

A dirty joke for you.

A horse in mud. Yes my sense of humor is dry. hah

[bigdare23]

Hopefully noone post this already

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[bigdare23]

I thought this was pretty funny too!!!

I heard you got robbed last night and the thug gave you two options: you could suck his dick or die. Well glad to hear you alright buddy!

[DurtySpeed]

Hopefully noone post this already

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


That was funny man. Reps to you.

[HeLLo iM iZzY]

There are 3 singers singing in a pub. Shaggy,Craig David and Britany Spears. Somebody farted and Shaggy goes
IT WASNT ME
Craig said
I'M WALKING AWAY
and britany said
OOPS I DID IT AGAIN
and the next day somebody farted agin and shaggy said
IT WASNT ME
craig said
I'M WALKING AWAY
and britany said
STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!!!!

[DurtySpeed]

There are 3 singers singing in a pub. Shaggy,Craig David and Britany Spears. Somebody farted and Shaggy goes
IT WASNT ME
Craig said
I'M WALKING AWAY
and britany said
OOPS I DID IT AGAIN
and the next day somebody farted agin and shaggy said
IT WASNT ME
craig said
I'M WALKING AWAY
and britany said
STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY!!!!

It was aight man. I will give you reps anyways. Lol.

[HeLLo iM iZzY]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[C22H19N3O4]

Not a joke, but a funny pickup line:


"Hey baby, how's about you be the graph, and I be the derivative?
That way, I can be tangent to all your curves."





:lmfao: :lmfao: :lmfao: :lmfao:

[C22H19N3O4]

How do you make a Hormone?

Don't pay her.




A hit man, Arti, was hired by a man to kill his wife for a dollar. He told Arti that his wife will be shopping at Kroger's the next day. The next day, Arti goes to Kroger's and chokes the man's wife to death. A woman saw it, so he choked her too. On his way out of the store he was arrested. The next day, the newspaper headlines said "Arti chokes two for a dollar at Kroger's."

:tongue: :tongue: :tongue: :tongue:

[TheSnail]

This one I made up so bare with me


Whats the most tired part on a car?

























































































































































The exhaust, because it's exhausted ! ! ! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! ! ! !

I know my joke is stupid, so fuck yall's comments in advance !

[goldeneyes]

Thanks for hittin him up for me. I repped you.

;) I gotcha back. Thanks

[Dirty Octopus™]

Why?

Because it was a man eating shark! not a girl eating shark!

[DurtySpeed]

Aight, some funny shit ya. Everyone check your reps. HerSideKick, it wouldn't let me rep you again. I don't remember ever repping you either, but it says I did. So......

goldeneyes, thanks.

[DurtySpeed]

TheSnail, it wouldn't let me rep you either. I must have given you rep in a rep thread recently.

[speedminded]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

[DurtySpeed]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.


Lmao. That was funny. :lmao:

[bigdare23]

Not a joke, but a funny pickup line:


"Hey baby, how's about you be the graph, and I be the derivative?
That way, I can be tangent to all your curves."





:lmfao: :lmfao: :lmfao: :lmfao:


I hate being a math major, I get this "joke" :(

[SixSquared]

So a UGA fan, an Auburn fan, a Tennessee fan, and a Bama fan are all, somehow, trapped at the top of a mountain. They start bickering about who amongst them is the truest fan. The Tennessee fan jumps up and says "I'm such a true fan, WATCH THIS!" and he jumps off the mountain, singing Rocky Top on the way down. The Bama fan, not about to be outdone, gets up and hurls himself off the mountain, yelling "ROLL TIDE" as he falls. The UGA fan and Auburn fan look at each other, and the UGA fan is the first on his feet. The Auburn says "Stupid bulldawg you're about to jump off a mountain".

UGA fan grabs Auburn fan, throws him off the mountain, and says "HEY WAR EAGLE LEARN HOW TO FLY!"

---------------------------

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

"Damn baby we DO taste like chicken"

-----------------------------------------

I'm no Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed ROCK!!!

-----------------------------------------

So a guy comes home from the bar, drunk off his ass. His wife is home, irritated. The man starts talking about the bar he just came from...

"Honey it's AMAZING! Everything is GOLD!!!! The BAR is gold, the STOOLS are gold, it's AWESOME" ... a few minutes later, he passes out.

The next night is a repeat of the night before. He comes home, drunk yet again, going on and on about this bar... "Honey, it's AWESOME! Even the TOILETS are made of gold!"

The woman decides she's had about enough of it, and the next morning, she looks up "gold bar" in the yellow pages, and sure enough, finds a phone number. So she calls...

"Yes, I have a question... Are your barstools made of gold?" The bartender replies that they are. "Is your entire bar made of gold?" again, the bartender confirms. "Ok, are your TOILETS made of gold?" The bartender asks her to hold for a moment and turns to the house band...

"Hey Larry I know who's been pissin in your trombone!"

------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Atheists, Jewish people, and Southern Baptists??

Atheists don't recognize God as a supreme power

Jewish people don't recognize Jesus as the son of God

Southern Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

-------------------------------

So I'm on this plane from ATL to NYC, and the captain comes on the mic, doing the whole "We're making good time, should be in NYC in approximately 3 hours, we're flying at however many feet" deal. Well, I guess he forgot to turn off his mic, because the entire cabin of the plane can hear his small talk with the co-pilot. They chat for a while, and then the captain says "You know what I could really go for right now? A blow job and a cup of good coffee". At this point, the flight attendant goes running up the cabin to let the captain know that the entire plane is privy to his conversation. As she passes by, a man leans into the aisle and says "Don't forget the coffee honey!"

------------------------------------

You know, baby, we should do an old fashioned kinda date.... Dinner and a movie... You can be dinner, and we'll make a movie.

-------------------------------------

After finding out that she is pregnant with their fifth child, a redneck woman makes her redneck husband go to the doctor for a vasectomy. The husband concedes, and makes an appointment. When he gets to the doctor's office, he says that he doesn't have health insurance, and asks if there's a lower cost alternative. The doctor, always wanting to help, says there is... "Go to the store, buy a 12 pack of beer and some cherry bombs. Drink all 12 of the beers, light the cherry bomb, put it in the beer bottle, and count to 10. Problem solved". The redneck man is happy that there is such a low cost alternative.

So he goes to the store, buys a 12 pack of PBR and a cherry bomb, and goes home to commence drinking. When he is finished with his 12th beer, he lights the cherry bomb and begins counting. He is so drunk that he keeps losing his place in the numbers, so he puts the bottle bomb down between his legs in order to count on his fingers. Problem solved.

----------------------------------

Three men walked into a bar.... the fourth one ducked.

-----------------------------------

Three ducks are walking about, being ducks, when they come to a pond. The pond is so clean and nice looking that they just GOTTA go in. They stop before getting in... There is a sign that very plainly says "NO SWIMMING". They get in anyways and are having a great time. Well, as fate would have it, the duck police show up and arrest the three ducks. They go to appear before the duck judge.

"What is your name?" The judge asks the first duck

"My name is Duck". She replies.

"Were you swimming in the pond?" The judge asks.

"No... just blowing bubbles in the water". The judge looks at her, deciding whether to believe this story.

"10 days in jail for you, unless you can prove your story." Duck is silent, and the police come to take her to jail...

"What is your name?" the judge asks the second duck.

"My name is Duck Duck" the second duck replies.

"Were you swimming in the pond?"

"No, just blowing bubbles in the water". The judge again stares down the duck, and decides she will scare the truth out of them.

"One month in jail, unless you can prove your story". Duck Duck is silent, and the police come and take her to jail. The judge then turns to the third duck.

"Let me guess... you're Duck Duck... Duck??" The judge asks with a smirk.

"No ma'am, but I can prove their alibi" the third duck replies. The judge is surprised and tells the duck to continue.

"Well, ma'am" he says... "They call me Bubbles...."

--------------------


Enjoy my jokes/pickup lines guys! Some have been posted on here before, some are stolen from movies, some are out of the chasms of my head, but all are funnay!