really bored....

[SwurvinIn]

work sux...no one wants to buy tires today. someone entertain me!!!!!

[SixSquared]

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice, "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blowjob. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!"

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?"

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

----------------

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

[babygurl]

Emily that was great!

[babygurl]

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends

[babygurl]

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
11 - 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it...

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..

How many men does it take to please a woman.
Impossible. Once a woman's done bitching about the men they're all asleep.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A women who won't do what she's told.

Why did the woman cross the road?
That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Kick her where the sun don't shine.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody

[Leisa]

IM busy, you wanna come help me

[kelly marie]

work sux...no one wants to buy tires today. someone entertain me!!!!!this is from last night when you were trying to give me the finger.. looks like you have a nub!!! :D enjoy!!!

[Halfwit]

that was just as sexist as it gets...lol

[SixSquared]

Couple of random ones for you..

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
2 - One to call daddy and one to make a T shirt

So a woman comes home to tell her husband about her new tattoos. He asks to see them, and she removes her pants. She has a turkey on one thigh and santa on the other. When her husband asks about it, she says "You always complain that there's never enough to eat between thanksgiving and christmas!"

A woman tells her husband that she wants bigger breasts. Surprisingly, he condones it, and says if she wants bigger breasts, she should go for it. She voices her concerns about the surgery, and he says he's read about a different route for bigger breasts... "Just rub a small piece of paper between them 3-4 times a day". She asks "How does that work?" and he says "I don't now, but it worked wonders on your ass"

[SwurvinIn]

haha...your an ass!!!

[kelly marie]

haha...your an ass!!!lol tis true my dear.. made ya laugh though :) :eye:

[SwurvinIn]

indeed...you need to come out more often and quit being a hermit

[kelly marie]

i know.. just been broke and ish.. nah mean!!! i was trying to get heather to have a couple ppl over at the apt but she never listens.. :(

[SwurvinIn]

i live there too ya know...we should get together sat or something

[kelly marie]

that works for us.. just let us know!!

[silver]

Yeah we can do somehting like that.... But not too many people cause that apartment gets crowded easily...

[kelly marie]

ok ill invite 70 of my closest friends..

[silver]

ok ill invite 70 of my closest friends..

You mean you are bringing the Crotch-Crickets with you!?!?!?! :yay:

[SwurvinIn]

ill post up in the em private forum...and you can invite the rest of the ppl

[kelly marie]

You mean you are bringing the Crotch-Crickets with you!?!?!?! :yay:yes.. they miss their momma!! :eye:

[GsrTurbo320]

yes..work suxs..im bored here aswell.

[SwurvinIn]

word....almost over. 5:30 isnt coming quick enough

[kelly marie]

:werd:

[Nemesis]

word....almost over. 5:30 isnt coming quick enough


Are ya meeting me man at Kauffman? I tried callin Yousef but he aint answerin...

[Sibious]

lol wow some good stuff babygurl :goodjob: