Brett
11-07-2005, 12:33 PM
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've
all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something brewing down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office
so the smell is not in your area and everyone else
gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious i f they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter
in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out like a
machine gun. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea
or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up t he bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, then to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you out. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the
use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER (O.O.T.C.P.)
A colleague who poops at work and is darned proud of
it. You will often see An O.O.T.C.P. enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.
Always look around the office for the O.O.T.C.P.
before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
O.O.T.C.P.'s, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open . This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur
when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a watermelon coming on while someone else
is in the bathroom, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is also used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If
you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough in conjunction with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Please study this Survival Guide and implement these
into your daily routine!!!!!!
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've
all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt
something brewing down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office
so the smell is not in your area and everyone else
gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious i f they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter
in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out like a
machine gun. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea
or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up t he bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, then to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you out. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the
use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER (O.O.T.C.P.)
A colleague who poops at work and is darned proud of
it. You will often see An O.O.T.C.P. enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.
Always look around the office for the O.O.T.C.P.
before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
O.O.T.C.P.'s, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open . This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur
when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a watermelon coming on while someone else
is in the bathroom, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is also used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If
you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough in conjunction with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Please study this Survival Guide and implement these
into your daily routine!!!!!!