Jimmy B
10-21-2005, 02:59 PM
well.. for most people..
heres a few more jokes :)
---
A guy walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a white wine. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Australian.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
---------
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So they walked up and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... you see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No kidding," he said, "thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
-----
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed... "Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed. The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!"
-------------
Two dads from the neighbourhood were standing around watching their kids play on the playground. These guys are always trying to top each other with new jokes.
One of the dads, Pete, pipes up and asks Bob if he knew anything about wrestling. Bob proceeds to tell him a thing or two, and walks up behind Pete and puts his right arm through his right armpit and his hand on Pete's neck.
"What's this called?" Bob asks. "That's a half-nelson," Pete says as his right arm was pushed up over his head. "Very good, Petey," Bob replied. "Now, what's this?"
He did the same exact thing to Pete's left arm leaving him with both hands over his head while standing behind him. "That's a full-nelson," Pete said, trying to figure out what Bob's joke could be.
"Right!" Bob said. Then, remaining behind Pete with both his hands forcing Pete's over by putting pressure on his neck, Bob bent Pete over and began grinding his hips into his ass.
"So what's this?" Bob said. "I don't know," Pete admitted. Bob shouted, "It's a Father Nelson!"
heres a few more jokes :)
---
A guy walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a white wine. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Australian.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
---------
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So they walked up and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... you see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No kidding," he said, "thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
-----
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed... "Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed. The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!"
-------------
Two dads from the neighbourhood were standing around watching their kids play on the playground. These guys are always trying to top each other with new jokes.
One of the dads, Pete, pipes up and asks Bob if he knew anything about wrestling. Bob proceeds to tell him a thing or two, and walks up behind Pete and puts his right arm through his right armpit and his hand on Pete's neck.
"What's this called?" Bob asks. "That's a half-nelson," Pete says as his right arm was pushed up over his head. "Very good, Petey," Bob replied. "Now, what's this?"
He did the same exact thing to Pete's left arm leaving him with both hands over his head while standing behind him. "That's a full-nelson," Pete said, trying to figure out what Bob's joke could be.
"Right!" Bob said. Then, remaining behind Pete with both his hands forcing Pete's over by putting pressure on his neck, Bob bent Pete over and began grinding his hips into his ass.
"So what's this?" Bob said. "I don't know," Pete admitted. Bob shouted, "It's a Father Nelson!"