Cliff
09-30-2005, 12:52 PM
To read all of these?
Everything at Amazon by and about: George Constanza (The Jerry Seinfeld Show)
"Looking for the quotes. Gotta check the quotes. Love a good quote."
- George, trying to impress a woman, in "The Subway"
"I am so psychosomatic it makes me sick just thinking about it!"
- George
"I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats to every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So, please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots."
- George
G : "I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become
hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you
care, that indifference makes you attractive."
J : "So, hopelessness is the key?"
G : "It's my only hope."
- George and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
"Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed!"
- George, in "The Heart Attack"
"Pity's very underrated. I like pity. It's good."
- George
"My father didn't pay for parking, my mother, my brother, nobody. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay for it? If I apply myself, maybe I can get it for free."
- George, in "The Parking Spot"
"Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up."
- George, in "The Old Man"
"It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like."
- George, in "The Fix-Up"
"You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!"
- George, trying to get rid of his current girlfriend, in "The Outing"
G : "I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters."
J : "Maybe you should date the mothers."
G : "If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then
I'd really have something going."
- George and Jerry, in "The Gymnast"
"Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since."
- George, explaining how he and Jerry met, in "The Outing"
"I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.
- George, testing the housekeeper's inability to understand English,
in "The Old Man"
"Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something."
- George, explaining why he wants to watch a video at Jerry's place,
in "The Junior Mints"
"Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her."
- George, finding out that his former girlfriend is a lesbian, in "The
Smelly Car"
"I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, '*That's* why I'm not a heterosexual.'"
- George, in "The Subway"
"Kramer goes to a fantasy camp ? His whole life is a fantasy campm ! People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. *That's* a fantasy camp!"
- George, in "The Visa"
"Stress is very damaging to the epidermis."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast."
- George, trying to be witty, in "The Visa"
"I've always been a little nervous about these things. I'm afraid I'm going to step through into another dimension."
- George, before going through a metal detector, in "The Trip"
"If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up the walls and in their home, like Lenin."
- George, in "The Trip"
"Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no reponsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months floating... then you finish of as an organism !!!
Amen"
"Conformity is an obsession with me."
- George, in "The Pie"
G : "It's not you, it's me.... You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."
g : "Alright, George, it's you."
G : "You're damn right it's me."
g : "Look, I was just trying to...."
G : "I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."
g : "Well I'm sure you do it very well."
G : "Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out."
- George and Gwen, breaking up, in "The Lip Reader"
"Well, a lot of people consider me small and prestigious."
- George, in "The Haircut"
"When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her."
- George, in "The Masseuse"
"For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do wash once a year."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"
J : "Your mother reads your mail?"
G : "Yeah."
J : "What do you mean, like postcards?"
G : "Oh, anything."
J : "She doesn't open."
G : "She'll open."
J : "You've caught your mother opening envelopes?"
G : "Yes."
J : "What does she say?"
G :"I was curious."
J : "Isn't that against the law?"
G : "Maybe I can get her locked up."
- Jerry and George, in "The Marine Biologist"
"If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all."
- George, in "The Stand-In"
"You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."
- George, in "The Cafe"
"I don't understand lunch. I don't know anything about lunch."
- George, in "The Library"
"Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women."
- George, in "The Opposite"
"Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think's gonna be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?"
- George, in "The Raincoats"
V : "Who are you, George Costanza?"
G : "I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met."
- Victoria and George, in "The Opposite"
""We needed a leader!"
George, explaining his hasty exit from the burning apartment, "The Fire"
"If I am not in front of my building at 6:15 when my parents get there, they are going to put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades."
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
G : "Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but..."
J : "But what?"
G : "Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water
was cold..."
J : "Oh, you mean... Shrinkage."
G : "Yes. Significant shrinkage."
J : "So you feel you were shortchanged."
G : "Yes. I mean, if she thinks that's me, she's under a complete
misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me."
- George and Jerry, in "The Hamptons"
"Hello, Ma? It's me. Guess where I am? In the back of a limo.
No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it. All right, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you. How's this - I'm never telling you. I don't care. No. Fine. Never!"
- George, in "The Limo"
G : "Did you see the way she was looking at me?"
J : "She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!"
G : "I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi, though."
- George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
"Hey, it's George. I got nothing to say."
- George, leaving a message on Jerry's answering machine, in "The Chinese Woman"
"I think she finds my stupidity charming."
- George, in "The Gymnast"
"I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable."
- George, in "The Label Maker"
G : "Well, I heard a noise."
J : "What noise?"
G : "You know, 'Bleeaahhh'."
E : "What 'Bleeaahhh'?"
G : "From the bathroom..."
J : "Oh, you think she was refunding?"
G : "Every time we go out to eat, the minute we're done she's running for the bathroom."
E : "So you're concerned?"
G : "Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm paying for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet."
- George, Jerry and Elaine, in "The Switch"
"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?"
- George, in "The Switch"
"I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra."
- George, in "The Secretary"
"Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system."
- George, trying to get a date with a communist, in "The Race"
"Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word manure. It's newer, which is good, and a ma in front of it. Ma-Newer. When you consider the other choices, manure is actually pretty refreshing."
- George, in "The Soup"
K : "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
G : "I like to get the Daily News."
- Kramer and George, in "The Keys"
"We're like rats in some experiment."
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
Everything at Amazon by and about: George Constanza (The Jerry Seinfeld Show)
"Looking for the quotes. Gotta check the quotes. Love a good quote."
- George, trying to impress a woman, in "The Subway"
"I am so psychosomatic it makes me sick just thinking about it!"
- George
"I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats to every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So, please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots."
- George
G : "I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become
hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you
care, that indifference makes you attractive."
J : "So, hopelessness is the key?"
G : "It's my only hope."
- George and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"
"Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed!"
- George, in "The Heart Attack"
"Pity's very underrated. I like pity. It's good."
- George
"My father didn't pay for parking, my mother, my brother, nobody. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay for it? If I apply myself, maybe I can get it for free."
- George, in "The Parking Spot"
"Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up."
- George, in "The Old Man"
"It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like."
- George, in "The Fix-Up"
"You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!"
- George, trying to get rid of his current girlfriend, in "The Outing"
G : "I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters."
J : "Maybe you should date the mothers."
G : "If I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then
I'd really have something going."
- George and Jerry, in "The Gymnast"
"Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since."
- George, explaining how he and Jerry met, in "The Outing"
"I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.
- George, testing the housekeeper's inability to understand English,
in "The Old Man"
"Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something."
- George, explaining why he wants to watch a video at Jerry's place,
in "The Junior Mints"
"Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her."
- George, finding out that his former girlfriend is a lesbian, in "The
Smelly Car"
"I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, '*That's* why I'm not a heterosexual.'"
- George, in "The Subway"
"Kramer goes to a fantasy camp ? His whole life is a fantasy campm ! People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. *That's* a fantasy camp!"
- George, in "The Visa"
"Stress is very damaging to the epidermis."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast."
- George, trying to be witty, in "The Visa"
"I've always been a little nervous about these things. I'm afraid I'm going to step through into another dimension."
- George, before going through a metal detector, in "The Trip"
"If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up the walls and in their home, like Lenin."
- George, in "The Trip"
"Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship."
- George, in "The Puffy Shirt"
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no reponsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months floating... then you finish of as an organism !!!
Amen"
"Conformity is an obsession with me."
- George, in "The Pie"
G : "It's not you, it's me.... You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."
g : "Alright, George, it's you."
G : "You're damn right it's me."
g : "Look, I was just trying to...."
G : "I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."
g : "Well I'm sure you do it very well."
G : "Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out."
- George and Gwen, breaking up, in "The Lip Reader"
"Well, a lot of people consider me small and prestigious."
- George, in "The Haircut"
"When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her."
- George, in "The Masseuse"
"For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do wash once a year."
- George, in "The Phone Message"
"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"
J : "Your mother reads your mail?"
G : "Yeah."
J : "What do you mean, like postcards?"
G : "Oh, anything."
J : "She doesn't open."
G : "She'll open."
J : "You've caught your mother opening envelopes?"
G : "Yes."
J : "What does she say?"
G :"I was curious."
J : "Isn't that against the law?"
G : "Maybe I can get her locked up."
- Jerry and George, in "The Marine Biologist"
"If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all."
- George, in "The Stand-In"
"You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."
- George, in "The Cafe"
"I don't understand lunch. I don't know anything about lunch."
- George, in "The Library"
"Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women."
- George, in "The Opposite"
"Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think's gonna be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?"
- George, in "The Raincoats"
V : "Who are you, George Costanza?"
G : "I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met."
- Victoria and George, in "The Opposite"
""We needed a leader!"
George, explaining his hasty exit from the burning apartment, "The Fire"
"If I am not in front of my building at 6:15 when my parents get there, they are going to put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades."
- George, in "The Parking Garage"
G : "Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but..."
J : "But what?"
G : "Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water
was cold..."
J : "Oh, you mean... Shrinkage."
G : "Yes. Significant shrinkage."
J : "So you feel you were shortchanged."
G : "Yes. I mean, if she thinks that's me, she's under a complete
misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me."
- George and Jerry, in "The Hamptons"
"Hello, Ma? It's me. Guess where I am? In the back of a limo.
No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it. All right, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you. How's this - I'm never telling you. I don't care. No. Fine. Never!"
- George, in "The Limo"
G : "Did you see the way she was looking at me?"
J : "She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!"
G : "I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi, though."
- George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
"Hey, it's George. I got nothing to say."
- George, leaving a message on Jerry's answering machine, in "The Chinese Woman"
"I think she finds my stupidity charming."
- George, in "The Gymnast"
"I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable."
- George, in "The Label Maker"
G : "Well, I heard a noise."
J : "What noise?"
G : "You know, 'Bleeaahhh'."
E : "What 'Bleeaahhh'?"
G : "From the bathroom..."
J : "Oh, you think she was refunding?"
G : "Every time we go out to eat, the minute we're done she's running for the bathroom."
E : "So you're concerned?"
G : "Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm paying for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet."
- George, Jerry and Elaine, in "The Switch"
"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?"
- George, in "The Switch"
"I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra."
- George, in "The Secretary"
"Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system."
- George, trying to get a date with a communist, in "The Race"
"Horse manure's not that bad. I don't even mind the word manure. It's newer, which is good, and a ma in front of it. Ma-Newer. When you consider the other choices, manure is actually pretty refreshing."
- George, in "The Soup"
K : "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
G : "I like to get the Daily News."
- Kramer and George, in "The Keys"
"We're like rats in some experiment."
- George, in "The Parking Garage"