proof read and revise....

[Killer]

Hello,
My name is Kyle Beavers, I’m 23 years old, and originally from the Blue Ridge area. I’m currently working in Atlanta for a dental software company, Ace Dental Software, as a software technician. I handle 75% of the incoming calls, shipping, packaging, answering questions, giving instructions, showing offices how to use our software, and always making sure our customers are satisfied.
I’m very anxious to learn more about the position and how I could join your team. I would love to speak with you over the phone or in person regarding how I could benefit your company. I can be reached at any time. My email is [email protected] and my cell number is 706-455-8270. I look forward to speaking with you.

Thanks for your time,

Kyle Beavers

[Jimmy B]

Truthfully, it looks like a 14 year old wrote it.. im not saying i could do any better, lol.. but...

[Brick]

Never use numbers, type out your age and such.

[Bus Driver J]

Here is my redo. Never use short words such as I'm (Actually, anything with an apostrophe). Spell out all numbers and use as few commas as possible. I just worked with you had. I didnt wanna go as far as adding extra stuff, just edited what you alredy had. Enjoy :)


Hello,

My name is Kyle Beavers. I am twenty-three years old and I am originally from the Blue Ridge area of Georgia. I am currently working in Atlanta at Ace Dental Software as a software technician. I handle a majority of the incoming calls where I take care of customers questions and concerns. I also am responsible for packaging and shipping of our product.

I am eager to learn more about the position you have available. I feel as if I can be a vital part of your team. I can be reached via the email and phone numbers listed below. I hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you for your time.

Kyle Beavers
Email: [email protected]
Phone: 706-455-8270

[PRO®]

Here is my redo. Never use short words such as I'm (Actually, anything with an apostrophe). Spell out all numbers and use as few commas as possible. I just worked with you had. I didnt wanna go as far as adding extra stuff, just edited what you alredy had. Enjoy :)


Hello,

My name is Kyle Beavers. I am twenty-three years old and I am originally from the Blue Ridge area of Georgia. I am currently working in Atlanta at Ace Dental Software as a software technician. I handle a majority of the incoming calls where I take care of customers questions and concerns. I also am responsible for packaging and shipping of our product.

I am eager to learn more about the position you have available. I feel as if I can be a vital part of your team. I can be reached via the email and phone numbers listed below. I hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you for your time.

Kyle Beavers
Email: [email protected]
Phone: 706-455-8270

i thought the "rule" is to spell out numbers that are less than 10, or to spell out one word numbers, but not two word numbers...i.e. twenty, 21, 22, thirty, etc.

[Bus Driver J]

i thought the "rule" is to spell out numbers that are less than 10, or to spell out one word numbers, but not two word numbers...i.e. twenty, 21, 22, thirty, etc.
hmmmm, you may be right on that one :goodjob:

[ironchef]

Don't start every sentence with "I". Mix it up, use action verbs, etc.

[Jimmy B]

Here is my redo. Never use short words such as I'm (Actually, anything with an apostrophe). Spell out all numbers and use as few commas as possible. I just worked with you had. I didnt wanna go as far as adding extra stuff, just edited what you alredy had. Enjoy :)


Hello,

My name is Kyle Beavers. I am twenty-three years old and I am originally from the Blue Ridge area of Georgia. I am currently working in Atlanta at Ace Dental Software as a software technician. I handle a majority of the incoming calls where I take care of customers questions and concerns. I also am responsible for packaging and shipping of our product.

I am eager to learn more about the position you have available. I feel as if I can be a vital part of your team. I can be reached via the email and phone numbers listed below. I hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you for your time.

Kyle Beavers
Email: [email protected]
Phone: 706-455-8270

that looks alot better.. not sure about spelling out numbers and what not

[SampaGuy]

You have one paragraph saying you already have a job, then a second one saying you want more info on the position they have, with nothing connecting the two. You need a sentence like "Although my current position has given me very valuable experience, I feel that I am ready to move on into __________ because ___________. This would allow me to expand my skills, blah blah.

Look up for a cover letter template online, I am pretty sure your not supposed to start it with "Hello".

Use a thesaurus to make your word choice sound more professional, but don't go overboard.

[Killer]

Here is my redo. Never use short words such as I'm (Actually, anything with an apostrophe). Spell out all numbers and use as few commas as possible. I just worked with you had. I didnt wanna go as far as adding extra stuff, just edited what you alredy had. Enjoy :)


Hello,

My name is Kyle Beavers. I am twenty-three years old and I am originally from the Blue Ridge area of Georgia. I am currently working in Atlanta at Ace Dental Software as a software technician. I handle a majority of the incoming calls where I take care of customers questions and concerns. I also am responsible for packaging and shipping of our product.

I am eager to learn more about the position you have available. I feel as if I can be a vital part of your team. I can be reached via the email and phone numbers listed below. I hope to hear from you soon.

Thank you for your time.

Kyle Beavers
Email: [email protected]
Phone: 706-455-8270

thanks man... that's a lot better!!!! repped!!!!


never really been good at writing shit out!!!

[Killer]

You have one paragraph saying you already have a job, then a second one saying you want more info on the position they have, with nothing connecting the two. You need a sentence like "Although my current position has given me very valuable experience, I feel that I am ready to move on into __________ because ___________. This would allow me to expand my skills, blah blah.

Look up for a cover letter template online, I am pretty sure your not supposed to start it with "Hello".

Use a thesaurus to make your word choice sound more professional, but don't go overboard.

great point.. i def should let them know why i'm leaving.

thing is i'm really only leaving to relocate back to north ga...


how should i work that in there???

[BanginJimmy]

Here is my cover letter. Its is quite a bit longer than yours, but it was reviewed by my mother in law who is well schooled in HR.



At the recommendation of one of your employees, XXXXXXXXXXXX, I was recently reviewing your posted job openings and came across open sheet metal and composite jobs and as a result have attached a resume for your review. The ever changing aircraft industry has always been something I wanted to be a part of and I believe Lockheed-Martin would be a great place to continue my career. The exacting quality standards and cutting edge technology are sure to make your company a great place for me to work.

My experiences during my nine years active duty in the Marine Corps as an intermediate level sheet metal mechanic encompassed both fixed wing and rotary wing aircraft. Much of my active duty time was spent working on F/A-18 Hornets, C-130’s, and both models of H-1 helicopters. I have worked extensively with all types of aviation grade sheet metals including aluminum, steel, and titanium. I have performed repairs ranging from simple skin repairs, to repairs as complicated as hand forming and heat treating of internal structures. During my short time working at a civilian aircraft repair station, my duties also included complete skin replacements on DC-9 aircraft.

During my time in the Corps I was a certified aircraft painter and a certified aircraft welder on top of my duties with sheet metal. Before the end of my Active Duty career, I was also certified as a Collateral Duty Inspector with the responsibility to inspect the work of all personnel assigned to the sheet metal, paint, composite, or welding shops.

My greatest interest has always been working with composite materials. On top of the schooling I received, I had the pleasure of working with both fiberglass and advanced composites, such as graphite cloth, comprehensively. Working with F/A-18’s I was able to perform repairs involving wet and dry lay-ups, film and paste adhesives, and honeycomb core splices. The level of complexity of this type of repair was always something that truly interested and motivated me.

With the ever changing climate of the aircraft industry, staying a step ahead is crucial to the success of a company. That step ahead also makes for a challenging and rewarding career. Thank you for taking the time to review my resume and I hope to get the chance to interview with you soon.

Basicly I was told to tell a bit about yourself and what you can bring to the team. Make it detailed enough that they WANT to look over your resume, and not just skim through it. The biggest part of the cover letter is to tell them what you can do to benefit the company because that isnt really covered in the actual resume.

[Killer]

Here is my cover letter. Its is quite a bit longer than yours, but it was reviewed by my mother in law who is well schooled in HR.




Basicly I was told to tell a bit about yourself and what you can bring to the team. Make it detailed enough that they WANT to look over your resume, and not just skim through it. The biggest part of the cover letter is to tell them what you can do to benefit the company because that isnt really covered in the actual resume.


well, i would go into more detail... BUT i don't really know what they need of me.. i'm replying just to an ad in the paper...

[BanginJimmy]

well, i would go into more detail... BUT i don't really know what they need of me.. i'm replying just to an ad in the paper...

OK, I guess I didnt really understand what you were looking for. I would actually go into less detail then and just simply ask what they are looking for. This way you dont lock yourself into any particular position.

[Killer]

here is my revision... let me know again what ya'll think.. i've tried adding the reason i was leaving my current job and tried to give a reason i could benefit the company...


Hello,

My name is Kyle Beavers. I am 23 years old and I am originally from the Blue Ridge area. Currently I work in Atlanta at Ace Dental Software as a software technician. I handle a majority of the incoming calls where I take care of customers’ questions and concerns. I also am responsible for the packaging and shipping of our product. I have been with Ace Dental for four years now and the experience has taught me a great deal, but I am looking to relocate to the North Ga. area once again.


I am eager to learn more about the position you have available. I feel as if I can be a vital part of your team as I have great strengths in the customer support field and completely understand the value of each customer in a business aspect. I can be reached via the email or phone number listed below. I look forward to speaking with you.

Thank you for your time.

Kyle Beavers
Email: [email protected]
Phone: 706-455-8270

[Killer]

OK, I guess I didnt really understand what you were looking for. I would actually go into less detail then and just simply ask what they are looking for. This way you dont lock yourself into any particular position.


well, the position they posted in the paper was for a customer service rep..


so.. i tried editing the letter to point out i know that area well...

[BanginJimmy]

Hello,
My name is Kyle Beavers, I’m 23 years old. I am originally from the Blue Ridge area, but currently working in the Atlanta area as a software technician. I’m very anxious to learn more about the position and how I could join your team. I would love to speak with you over the phone or in person regarding how I could benefit your company. I can be reached at any time. I look forward to speaking with you.

Thank you for your time,

Kyle Beavers
706-455-8270
[email protected]


Then attach your resume and cover letter.

[BanginJimmy]

well, the position they posted in the paper was for a customer service rep..


so.. i tried editing the letter to point out i know that area well...


That is what your resume is for. The cover letter is more of a way to introduce yourself. Let the company know what you are looking for from them, and what you can offer them.

[Killer]

Then attach your resume and cover letter.


ah.. less is more.. i like that take...

i'm gonna rock that one..

[Killer]

final product...

Hello,
My name is Kyle Beavers. I’m 23 years old and am originally from the Blue Ridge area. Currently I am working in the Atlanta area as a software technician. I’m very anxious to learn more about the position and how I could join your team. I would love to speak with you over the phone or in person regarding how I could benefit your company. I can be reached at any time via the email or phone number listed below. I look forward to speaking with you.

Thank you for your time,

Kyle Beavers
706-455-8270
[email protected]

[BanginJimmy]

looks good.

Adjusting what I said earlier though, get a decent job description before you send your resume/cover letter so that you can tailor them to fit the position.

[quickdodge®]

Hello,
My name is Kyle Beavers, I’m 23 years old, and originally from the Blue Ridge area. I’m currently working in Atlanta for a dental software company, Ace Dental Software, as a software technician. I handle 75% of the incoming calls, shipping, packaging, answering questions, giving instructions, showing offices how to use our software, and always making sure our customers are satisfied.
I’m very anxious to learn more about the position and how I could join your team. I would love to speak with you over the phone or in person regarding how I could benefit your company. I can be reached at any time. My email is [email protected] and my cell number is 706-455-8270. I look forward to speaking with you.

Thanks for your time,

Kyle Beavers

Hello. My name is Kyle Beavers. I'm 23 years old and originally from the Blue Ridge area. I currently work in Atlanta for Ace Dental Software as a software technician. I handle 75% of the incoming calls, shipping, packaging, answering questions, giving instructions, showing offices how to use our software, and always making sure our customers are satisfied.
I’m very anxious to learn more about the position and how I could join your team. I would love to speak with you over the phone or in person regarding how I could benefit your company. I can be reached at any time at E-mail address, [email protected], or by cell phone at 706-455-8270. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks for your time,

Kyle Beavers.

There you go. I accidentally edited your post with my edit and just now caught it. My apologies. Later, QD.

[Killer]

thanks qd! and no prob