I Know I Said I Wouldnt Make Any More Leisa Threads....

[Brett]

**Before some smart ass people come in and say Im looking for attention or pitty, NO IM NOT, those who knew Leisa or know me and Leisa know I have to get this off my chest when I feel it, and many people on here are family to me, you dont wanna read this, click the X***

But today I was reading the thread while she was in ICU and when she passed and reading what everyone had to say about her, and how special she was, and I started crying again.... She has been gone about 6 months now, she passed October 7th, and they say time heals all wounds, but... I just dont seem to feel this is always the case. For a while I was doing much better, I accepted it, and started to smile again.... Now... it seems I have lost her all over again... I guess its bound to happen, where I go through times where it will hit me all over again.... I miss her so much... She was truley the very foundation to my life, and my life still is shakey at best... On its better days, still shakey, bad days like today.... I have no foundation it seems. I still struggle to understand if there is a god why he takes the ones who mean so much to so many, Leisa wasnt just loved by family, But my god she touched so many lives on here... So many people reached out to me to tell me how they never met her in person but she was always helping people through IM's or PM's..... Thats just how she was, she always put everyone before her, she especially did that to me, and always put me before her and I feel so guilty sometimes... sometimes I feel I took her for granted, didnt thank her enough, didnt tell her I loved her enough, I didnt always spend the amount of time I should have with her, I made the car and car scene a priority sometimes, even though she fully supported it, because she knew thats what made me so happy.... I try to move on, but everyone I meet or look at, I compare to her..... No one will ever replace Leisa, I know this, and one day I will love someone again, and Leisa made me promise her I would do that... But how do I fully accept that I will never see her again? I look at her urn and realize there is nothing left of her but a urn, pictures and memories. Its hard... Our home is nothing without her in it, I dont even like being there.... I wonder why was I left behind to hurt this much without her. Leisa held on for the fight, for the almost 3 weeks of her coma you could tell she tried, god she tried to fight to come back to us all, and then I think she held on to just long enough to give me time to learn to take care of myself, and she needed to know I had the support of friends to get me through it, and then when she knew, she gave up.... But I feel she gave up on me sometimes to... because I need her, the kids need her, so many people needed her to pull through, I am sorry for going on and on... But I just needed to remember her for a moment and post it here because sometimes I think people forget her, her myspace page only has me these days leaving her comments and Brittanee too... other from that, No one anymore does, Just please people.. I beg you all... dont forget her.... she deserves so much more than that :)

They say its better to have ove and lost then to have never loved before, Try telling that to people who have lost the one they love...

What makes it so bad as the last words she spoke was yelling to me in fear of her life to "Call 9-1-1!!!" then she went into the coma in my S2000 and never woke up, So there are so many things I never got to say to her, She heard me I hope the days and nights I was by her side in ICU but she never came out of the coma and I couldnt hear her tell me she loved me, or hear anything from her, then she went brain dead and I had to take her off the machine that kept her alive... so she didnt even know I was holding her when she died, in my arms kissing her... because she was brain dead... So she never knew I was there.....

[quickdodge®]

So she never knew I was there.....

Yes she did, Brett.


And my invitation is still there for anything. You know. If you wanna........ Later, QD.

[Brett]

I know man, but I dont even feel her around anymore like I did for a while, seems she has just totally left me now, I used to think I could feel her spirit around me, nothing now.

[quickdodge®]

seems she has just totally left me now

One way to find out, homeboy.

But she knew you were there. If nothing else, when she was heading "home" she saw you sitting there with her. Later, QD.

[Motivation]

Brett, time does NOT heal all wounds... Time just causes them to be bearable (SP?)...

I can PROMISE you, that she heard you in her last days and even her last minutes. I have been brain dead lying in the hospital bed, checking out... I remember my sister standing there for what seemed hours by my bed holding my hand... I remember her crying and saying she wished she could hear me and she loved me. Also, I remember my dad freaking out and saying how much I meant to him. None of them thought I heard them... There was no way for me to respond... But yet, somehow, out of everything... I remember that. She heard you brett, then... and now... She is over your shoulder reading what you write about her, in your mind watching what you think about her... She is everywhere around you, Brett... Just remember that...

[Tracy]

Hey Brett, Have you thought about a support group. I know it sounds silly but it might be nice to be around people who have been there, ya know? Have you talked to Tray by any chance. I'm sure he has similar feelings sometimes. Sometimes it helps to dish with people who feel ya.

I did some group therapy once time. It was really cool and it helped a lot.

[Revmaynard]

It will take time, but you never know how long. My girlfriend lost her mom about 5 years ago now and to this day she will still start tearing up in public over something that reminds her of her mom. You still have the people who care about you to rely on and that's why they're there. :goodjob: Chin up, man!

[BobbyFresco]

Keep your head up Brett. You're doing just fine, man. One day at a time is all you can do and all anyone can expect of you.

[IMPORTchic]

Brett, anyone that has a problem with this, has NO heart. I only met you and her once and that was back last summer so I didnt KNOW yall but I have read and can see how much she meant to ppl. Reading this brought complete tears to my eyes. I cant imagine what you are still going through. Keep your head up! You have made it this far and I know that you can continue to grow stronger day by day!! Just stay out of the house as much as possible and surround yourself with the people that mean the most more often! I am sure she is looking down on you proud and she just wants you to be happy as we all do! Hold it together hun! Smile! =)

[Z0_o6]

I feel for you Brett. I've only met you once at NOPI nats '06 and Leisa was there and just in those few minutes I got a good feel for just how wonderful she was. Keep your head up dude it's what she would want.

["B"]

Brett, I talked to you in PMs telling you about how much she meant to me when I was going through some hard ass times in the past year and a half. I can't even imagine what you have been going through. You are in my prayers though.


Anyone who has a problem with this thread can go kick rocks!!!

[On_Her_Face]

My aunt lost the "star" of our family 3 years ago and she has still not gotten over it. She watched over me for a few months while I was looking for a place to live and she would take me to the side, guide me away from bad things that she saw in me that my cousin did. She would not be able to finish telling me about what I would do cause she would cry at his name. She has not fully recovered in three years, but it sounds like you are better off than she is. I have not had this experience yet due to nobody besides my cousin passing, however I did watch my dad have a seizure on Thanksgiving two years ago. I remember holding his hand, yelling his name, and he would look at me like he didn't even know who I was. There were just sounds of pain, looks of pain, and confusion on his face. Whenever I think about this horrible event at night it almost brings me to tears and even with this post it has brought me close to tears. However the only advice I know of is to talk about it with close people to you. Hopefully time really will heal wounds, but they can only heal wounds so much before they become scars.

[Master Shake]

don't worry man, you may not feel her presence, but she will always be there. watching you, making sure you stay in good hands.

best of luck to you!

[b@d @pple]

brett..all i can say is my father has been gone for 15 years..it gets easier to wake up everyday,eventually..keep your head up

[EM1toEVO]

I'm praying for you Brett. I can't imagine losing my wife. I agree with Tracy. You should look into the support groups out there. You would be able to get things off your chest in front of others that truly understand where you are coming from. If you ever need anything, just ask.

[ShooterMcGavin]

time does heal all wounds, but you wouldn't be human if you were completely over it after 6 months. keep on keeping on like you've been doing, you know she's lookin out for ya man :goodjob:

[dtmcnamara]

Time heals, but the memories will last forever...I miss my friend rachael every day. I have her last poem she ever wrote next to me...

My life is amazing
I get to do amazing things
I get to change lives for the better
All the time I am still optimistic in the worst possible situations
I have an amazing family
Im very lucky in everything I do
I know I will get through this
I will be better than new in no time
I love my life

Never forget...

PS-Hey. I got something that will put a smile on your face...Make sure to be at the Varsity meet first thursday in MAY. I know you will probably be there, but keep a look out for me, should be there around 9:30-10. I will have something to show ya...

[RutRoe]

Brett, she heard you man...she knew you were there... and she knew that you were her best friend and love, and in the end, that will never change.

She's still with you, in your heart, and I know she watches you every day. You have to remember her and live your life and make her proud of you and your actions.

And if the situation was reversed and she had lost you, she'd be making the same type of threads and talking to people...reaching out to those who knew you and loved you, which is exactly what you're doing and should do.

I think Tracy is right. Finding some people who have been through this or are going through it will help you more than you know.

Much love man.

[MongolPup]

She knew you were there. Love transcends everything physical.

[Brett]

Thanks guys, just some days it's so hard to realize and accept that she is gone forever and it overwhelms me so much. Those who knew her understood how special she was. I know many of us have lost loved ones but yet we always feel as if we are the only ones at that time who feel so lost.

[ilovemyhonda.]

Brett you are doing great, keep your head up and whenever you feel down and need to post a thread then do it, who cares what anyone else thinks, and if they don't like it then they can click the X just like you said. You have all of us to talk to whenever you need to get something off your chest. It may seem like she didn't know you were there or isn't here now, but she knew you were there, she knew how much you cared, she just couldn't respond, but she tried by fighting for so long. She will always watch over you and will always love you. Enjoy life and always remember her and look back at all the good times you had with her, it will help you smile.

[Brett]

But what scares me is some days I cant remember things about her, Like her voice... I cant remember some inside jokes we shared or cute little things she did, and that scares the fuck out of me, I dont want to forget any of it, I dont want to let any of her ever go.

[Seymour222]

She came up as "people you may know" on myspace page the other day. I got a super eery feeling, then for some reason I began to think about you. Dude, I couldn't imagine the pain that you went through, and I felt incredibly bad for you. Although Ive never met you, I feel for you- like I know you. Weird, huh? Like they say, "Keep your chin up", there's lots of people here that want to see you smile and make it through the tough times, dewd.

As for your opening statement, you've probably earned the right to post WHATEVER you want to, WHENEVER you want to, so don't mind the people that would bring negativity up in here. Later Tater.

[Brett]

Thanks man, I just dont want people thinking I post it for attention, etc.... I really just sometimes have to express it, and many people on here I care about and I know care about me, so this is a good place to vent it.

[Sammich]

it takes time big homie...reading that last line the last paragraph saddened me just then cuz for you to have those words, the way she said it, how she said it and how she looked when she said that, has to be something thats just imprinted on your mind, and will be for your lifetime. but time DOES heal all wounds, just remember, like any cut, you will have a scab/scar to remember what happened for you to get that. same w/ leisa, you will eventually get a 'scab/scar'. so you will always remember her, you will never forget her. there will be times you will cry, there will be times you will laugh at the good times yall had. just remember, dont be mad at that scar, its your remembrance of her.

[LiL PaKi]

:cry: Leisa will always be remembered...

Don't worry about what other people think... If you ever need to talk your IA family is here :)

[NVEOUS]

Brett, there will never be the right amount of time to get over something like this. I was 12 when I lost my father and it has been 8 years since then and still to this day if I see something that reminds me of him I get teary eyed and cry. I thought that it would be easier than this to move on, but all you can do is take it day by day even though some days it will be harder than others. I am fairly new to IA and was never able to meet Leisa unfortunately. But by the way you describe her she was a magnificent woman and impacted a lot of lives. Leisa is always around Brett. You may not feel her around so much but she is there. I see my dad from time to time and I know he is there when i need him. Leisa, I am sure is the same way. The way you describe her, she wouldn't just leave you and forget about you at all. If you ever need someone to talk to Brett, I will be here.:yes:

[C-loS109]

Here u go man I think u should look at this and maybe consider on buying the book she is talking about. www.misscarly86.blogspot.com/

Edit

Read the march 24th blog and the book she is talking about is "the shack" by William p. Young

[Brett]

Thanks guys!! You know as I read what you all are saying I tear up, I admit it... and I still cant accept it, that I/WE will never see her again, Thats such fuckin bullshit to me, I just cant imagine a lifetime without her, Granted I have no choice just like you all who have lost loved ones to have to accept it I guess, and we all have to step foward and live, But like you all said, its much easier said than done. Her like many people are taken WAY before thier time and its so unfair for us all to be left not understanding why we all loose such amazing people.

[Sammich]

like i said before homie, one day at a time. my father has been dead for 18 yrs, my mom says she still thinks about him everyday.

[NVEOUS]

I've always felt that "things happen for a reason" But with things such as these, I cant apply that here. Some things are never MEANT to happen. And it is bullshit when they do. I will never understand that.

[Brett]

like i said before homie, one day at a time. my father has been dead for 18 yrs, my mom says she still thinks about him everyday.

Thats me son!! 50 years from now I will still think of her each and every day, Just changes how happy life can be I guess. When she was here I had life all figured out, a plan... to grow old with her, me and her used to talk about so many future plans and what we wanted to see us do in our lifetime, she didnt get to experience nearly enough of her life, she was just starting out... She was 41... and had such life left in her... Just hard now to see what thier is to look foward to in this lifetime now. But like I said, I know I am not the only one who has had to deal/face this, many people a day loose thier loved ones, but that doesnt change that it still feels as if when you are facing it, you are the only one on the world facing such a change. :(

[Brett]

I've always felt that "things happen for a reason" But with things such as these, I cant apply that here. Some things are never MEANT to happen. And it is bullshit when they do. I will never understand that.

Yup, I struggle to find out what the reason is, maybe it is a reason I will never know... I can just hope something good came/comes from it, if its able to happen.

[Sammich]

Thats me son!! 50 years from now I will still think of her each and every day, Just changes how happy life can be I guess. When she was here I had life all figured out, a plan... to grow old with her, me and her used to talk about so many future plans and what we wanted to see us do in our lifetime, she didnt get to experience nearly enough of her life, she was just starting out... She was 41... and had such life left in her... Just hard now to see what thier is to look foward to in this lifetime now. But like I said, I know I am not the only one who has had to deal/face this, many people a day loose thier loved ones, but that doesnt change that it still feels as if when you are facing it, you are the only one on the world facing such a change. :(

i hear ya. i know of a lady, besides my mom, who basically watched her husband die slowly from cancer. its a horrible look, but she has GREAT DAYS and she has bad days but its all in how busy you keep yourself. keeping busy is not to forget that person, its that you dont dwell on it so that you become so down in teh dumps that you dont function. you have to continue living as she would want you to. i've told my wife, if i die, get married to somebody worthwhile, not like no sleezebags like she was w/ before. and i'm sure thats what leisa wanted for you too. you got to remember what she wanted you to do, you got to remember, that brett...the bert man, got to continue to live. but i'm not saying forget as i said in a previous post, leisa's scar on your life will be there foryou to remember her to times on end. the other person will understand if you get married again about how you feel about her, but you got to move on to the effect of not being so overwhelmed/stuck in the past. u feel where im trying to get at?

[Vteckidd]

we ll this is kind of your group therapy in a way, although tracy is prob right you should look into a support group that can teach you how to cope when you feel overwhelmed.

Ill be honest, you will forget things, thats life and thats apart of moving on. That doesnt mean you didnt care or you are a bad person, that is just part of life.

You are going to have MONTHS where you are fine, and dont think about it, then one day, BAM something is going to trigger an emotion in you, it could be a song reminds you of her, a picture you see, or just a thought that pops in your mind.

And you know what, its perfectly fine to have that happen, but when it does, stay positive. YOu have got to know on some level she is there, watching over you, as cliche as it sounds, you have got to know that.

Its tough man, and no one is going to have the answers (not that you are looking for them) , but i really think a support group would help out alot, id look into it.

As far as making threads, make as many as you want, we are here to listen and help

[Vteckidd]

Yup, I struggle to find out what the reason is, maybe it is a reason I will never know... I can just hope something good came/comes from it, if its able to happen.

SOmetimes it comes when you arent looking for it. Accept it happened, its not FAIR by any means, but it happened. It may have taught you something as simple as love like there is no tomorrow.

But time will tell friend, time will tell, and that, you cannot rush

[Brian*]

Hey man, I didn't know you or Leisa on a personal basis but it hurt to know that you had to go through this. It is really REALLY hard to get over something like this, I lost a girlfriend of 3 years in a car crash while I was on the phone with her... Its been a few years and is still hard to think about even though I have moved on and with the love of my life now. If I go back to her grave down in Florida I just sit there and cry because I never got to tell her bye or that I loved her before she went, I had to hear her scream then nothing...
It WILL get easier to deal with bro, but will never completely go away because you loved her with all your heart, do NOT feel guilty for not spending enough time with her because I can promise you it made her happier than anything to see you happy and I know she knew you loved her, y'all seemed to be best friends and that is 100% what makes two people happy in a relationship/marriage. You did the best you possibly could have and I bet you she knew that everyday of her life*
Keep your head up bro, that is what she would want.. Just never forget her~

[civic95]

I lost a girlfriend of 3 years in a car crash while I was on the phone with her... Its been a few years and is still hard to think about even though I have moved on and with the love of my life now. If I go back to her grave down in Florida I just sit there and cry because I never got to tell her bye or that I loved her before she went, I had to hear her scream then nothing...


Damn!:cry:

[Brett]

Hey man, I didn't know you or Leisa on a personal basis but it hurt to know that you had to go through this. It is really REALLY hard to get over something like this, I lost a girlfriend of 3 years in a car crash while I was on the phone with her... Its been a few years and is still hard to think about even though I have moved on and with the love of my life now. If I go back to her grave down in Florida I just sit there and cry because I never got to tell her bye or that I loved her before she went, I had to hear her scream then nothing...
It WILL get easier to deal with bro, but will never completely go away because you loved her with all your heart, do NOT feel guilty for not spending enough time with her because I can promise you it made her happier than anything to see you happy and I know she knew you loved her, y'all seemed to be best friends and that is 100% what makes two people happy in a relationship/marriage. You did the best you possibly could have and I bet you she knew that everyday of her life*
Keep your head up bro, that is what she would want.. Just never forget her~

wOW SO KIND OF THE SAME THING, i HAD TO WATCH HER HAVE THE STROKE IN FRONT OF ME, AND HEAR HER IN FEAR OF HER LIFE YELL FOR ME TO CALL 911, SO YEAH YOU LIKE ME WILL HAVE THAT SOUND/IMAGE IN YOUR HEARD FOREVER, WHICH DOES MAKE IT WORSE. I AM REALLY SORRY YOU HAD TO LOOSE SOMEONE LIKE THAT MAN.

MY THING IS I GUESS TO, LEISA KNEW ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF, SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER FULLY UNDERSTOOD ME AND TRULEY GOT ME YA KNOW?

[Brian*]

Time to do some soul searching bro, do something for yourself... Or go do something with the kid(s). Its HARD but you have to do something to pull yourself out of that reality, something that will make you happy, the way she would want you to be now.
Car show / hanging out with some friends / waxing the car / even making pancakes LOL Whatever helps, I hate to see anyone go through this but alot of people do and it sucks..

[Brett]

I think what makes it hard is because our 9 year wedding anniversary is next week (4/1) and that since Christmas is the first date of importance and her birthday is in May too. These 2 dates are what will be hardest.

[ALVIN]

Brett, it's like I told Bri to tell you, you are strong dude. I know it is hard sometimes and you just don't want to go to work let alone get out of bed, but know she is always with you man. She is always in your heart, she is always with you every time you look at the tattoo you got for her, she is always there. Be strong man. Time, might not heal, but you will once again smile and be able to live again. It is an on going cycle im afraid. You will have times where you miss her and that is why it is good to have the amount of close friends that you do have and the amount of people you can talk to. Keep your head up man...it does get better.

[Brett]

Thanks man, yeah I know some times are better, for the last month I have been doing great, then the last few days was out of no where... like a ton of bricks on me.