FML v.2

[NVEOUS]

Ok so since some of you liked the FML thread yesterday I thought i would make another one for you all today. Especially JM.






Today, I was going to a concert. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/570186) I left my wallet at home because I was afraid it would get stolen, or lost or something. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/570186) After an awesome night, I came back home to find that my house had been broken into, and every dollar that was in my wallet got stolen. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/570186) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/570186)

[NVEOUS]

Today, my mom suspected me of doing marijuana. She went and bought a home-drug test and sent me to the bathroom. As I went in, I realized there was already pee in the toilet. I scooped that instead of my own and handed it to my mom. It came up positive. My sister used the bathroom last. She's 12. FML

[mocha latte cupcake]

:lmfao: bwhahaha

[NVEOUS]

Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML

[DUBSf22c]

Today, my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him "if you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore." His response was "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me." We've been having sex for 3 months now. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I had a blacklight in my room for an upcoming party. Just for fun, I decided to shine it on my loft bed, and the comforter lit up like a Christmas tree, as did several spots on the floor underneath. I don't have a boyfriend, but my roommate does. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He pulled me close to him and I started to feel better, until he put my hand down his pants and around his penis and said, "Here! Try this to take your mind off it." FML

Today, I was having lunch with my sister and my mother. While my mom was busy ordering food, my sister said to me, "look at this face I can make!" and she grossly contorted her face so that she had a double chin. My mother looked over and said to her, "stop making fun of your sister!" FML

Today, I fell asleep in class. As a joke, my professor used an airhorn to wake me up. I got so freaked out that I punched the girl next to me in the face. She got knocked out. FML

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks,"Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

[Ed]

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

this one is epic

[man]

Today, it has been a year and a half since my boyfriend discovered online poker. Annoyed to see him spending every evening playing on his laptop, I threatened him: “Now honey, you have to choose. It’s your poker or me!” Answer: “You are bluffing!” FML

[man]

How the hell is this one on the site?:


Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend, while a beautiful girl was looking at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want my girl to be upset, so I escaped to the bar. Later, I saw this girl kissing my girlfriend... Maybe I wasn't the one that she was looking at. FML

[NVEOUS]

I posted that yesterday. I would take them both back home.

[NVEOUS]

Today, my girl handcuffed me to the bed. I willingly let her thinking we were about to have some fun. She then took my phone and read a sent message; 'Wanna hook up?' to my ex. She left me cuffed and blindfolded, and painted my nails before she left. The sent message was from before I met her. FML

[NVEOUS]

TOO FUNNY!!!!




Today I had to perform a skit in my class. My skit included me wearing tight spandex compression shorts. The class laughed pretty hard, and I felt good. Afterward, a girl I have a crush on said, "So the stereotype about Asian guys IS true." Through the fluorescent lights you could see my junk. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get diarrhea up and down two of the store aisles, then proceed to the ladies room and mess all over the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with biohazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I had an excellent conversation with this guy I met on a gay dating site. We really hit it off well and had a lot in common. We got to the point where he asked me for my picture. I showed it to him and he stopped responding. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today we are celebrating our 1 year anniversary. I put on a sexy outfit, red dress, slinky underwear, and waited for him on the sofa. He gets home from work and asks me with a quizzical look: "You going out tonight?" FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. We all looked together at family photos on the computer. The first picture was a close up of my mother, bare breasts in full view. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone's trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I go onto my balcony and ask in a loud voice if everything's ok and if she needs anything. Her and her boyfriend shout back in unison: "We're fucking, go away". FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, after having waited for 3 long months, my girlfriend, who's really shy, finally gave me a blow job. Everything was fine until I said "You're really talented...". I probably shouldn't have added "Anyone would think you've been practising your whole life." FML

[NVEOUS]

EPIC!!!!



Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today I sent a text message to my boyfriend: "Come over in an hour, I love you." An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was my ex, looking happy and still as taken with me as before, with a bunch of roses. I'd got the wrong number - my ex and my boyfriend have the same name. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I pointed out to my girlfriend that she wasn't jealous. She replied, "Well actually, I am, I just can't prove it cause no one else is interested in you". FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, my boyfriend was lying down on top of me and he was looking at me with passionate eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me he loved me. But instead he said "You have a bogey". FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, my boyfriend and I have the family house for ourselves. When we realize we don't have any condoms left, we run to the store. I slam the door, leaving the keys inside. Now we have condoms... but no place to use them. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML


:lmfao: :lmfao: :lmfao:

[rehab]

Only a site as shitty as this one would go to ANOTHER site to post up posts that ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY just to show how lame and boring this site is.

Maybe some of you loserclowns should go register over there.

[NVEOUS]

why dont you STFU and get out of my thread!

[rehab]

NVEOUS - Waaaa leave me alone you meanie.

Greed - *spits on NVEOUS's face then leaves this pathetic thread*

[AlliRae]

please continue... I el oh el'd

[NVEOUS]

thank you alli

[NVEOUS]

Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website whilst at work. I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. Turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I was up for a job interview in a music school. I go to get my guitar out off its case, and realize that my friends thought it would be very funny to replace my real guitar with one of the Guitar Hero guitars. FML

[mocha latte cupcake]

today i signed onto IA, made a new name and then made fun of people. everything was great til i smarted off to an IA mod, and now everything i post turns into a picture of ifail. FML -GREED

[NVEOUS]

oh you jack ass. i told you to stfu. lol good one. but that was tyler durdan in your sig right?

[mocha latte cupcake]

lol yeah it was in his sig. lol

[FlipKing]

I'll have cai, 2.5" Exaust, header, timing bump, and a cam mod and I'm hoping to run mid 15s. FML

[NVEOUS]

LOL

[The Ninja]

I'll have cai, 2.5" Exaust, header, timing bump, and a cam mod and I'm hoping to run mid 15s. FML

LOL.

[FlipKing]

:( that was true story,lol

[NVEOUS]

lol awe that sucks. TURBO!!!!!! lol

[NVEOUS]

Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup & put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, the girl I have been in love with for 4 years just told me she is pregnant. The only problem is it's not mine. It's my worst enemy's. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, the girl I've loved for the past two years finally expressed her innermost feelings for me. After a brief make out session, she asked me to "never leave her side". When I got home, my mom told me that my dad got a new job. I'm moving to the other side of the globe in two weeks. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, I took a quiz my math teacher gave us. He claimed it was "Impossible" for anyone to get a perfect score on it. I honestly didn't know any of the answers, and guessed on the whole thing. Apparently, I got them all right. He accused me of cheating and gave me a double zero. FML

[NVEOUS]

Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML