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12-18-2008, 06:54 PM
Here is a brief synopsis of every vagina-toting mammal I've inserted my love wand into:
1. Devon. You were the first and thankfully not the last. For a cherry popper, you were a little on the short and chunky side. I would gladly have traded the sex for one of your tsunami inducing blowjobs. Losing my virginity to you was like finding satisfaction in a Big Gulp from 7-11.
2. Lisa. The shutters on your vagina could have blocked a ****ing solar eclipse. I'm sorry if I was overly fascinated with them. It was like finding a Wooly Mammoth or Atlantis. What are the odds that we’d end up working together 10 years later?
3. Lindsay (1). I popped your cherry. Naive. Nerdy. Self-conscious. Hairy Bush. I should have known you would treat my cock like it was a Fun Dip. Making me crawl out your bedroom window so your roommate (and my childhood friend) wasn't aware that I was penetrating your unkept vice of a vagina was not cool. I hated that bitch in high school, and I would have rather have ****ed her than you.
4. Steph. You were a whale. Allow me to rephrase that. You ARE a whale. Here's a note of advisement...when you **** a one-night stand, don't call them by your ex-boyfriend's name. I was just starting to sober up at that point. Wasn't cool. Also don't give them the ****ing clap. You swamp donkey.
5. Leesa. One night you said "I would let you put it anywhere you wanted". I'm still angry with myself that I didn't. I can only imagine the shit fit your ex-boyfriend would have had if he'd known I'd pummeled your backdoor Cold War style. I still can't decide if your lisp was sexy or retarded.
6. Emily. I don't like giant nipples. Your areolas were like a ****ing Venn Diagram. I'm glad I didn't need to see them more than once.
7. Jaye. Your vagina tasted like a can of sardines that had been left in a hot car for three months with the windows up. I'm sorry I could never tell you. I can't believe some douchebag actually puts up with that, and that you made another human being enter the world through that fish factory.
(Side note: I apologize to #5, #6, and #7 for sharing #4 with you)
8. Cindy. You were the first really hot piece of ass I ever tapped. Too bad your dad's name was John Holmes, and that he only had one eye. I found it faintly amusing when you broke down and told me how you got knocked up in high school and opted for the Coat Hanger Birth. I apologize for dialing long distance the last time we had sex, and having it land directly in your eye. I didn't think I had that kind of gun powder in me.
9. Fergus. That's not your real name. But I don't remember your real name. It might have been Christine. It might have been Susan. It might as well have been "Girl who jammed her index finger up my ass", because that's what you did to me. You also got me off with your feet one night in my truck. And the walls of your apartment were adorned with degrees from Christian Community Colleges and shit. You were one ****ed up bitch.
10. Stacey. You realized early on that you weren't much of a looker, and that you were going to really need to rely on your ability to perform oral to keep a guy around. Golf claps. I said hello to your throat on a few occasions. I also said hello to your teeth a number of times. After awhile, it's why I said goodbye.
11. Christine. The first mom I ever bopped. You were thirty-six and I banged you in your parents basement, where you lived. I could see why your husband left you for another woman.
12. Erin (1). You were tall with some masculine features. Having sex in your Volkswagon was difficult. Not because it was a ****ing Rabbit and space was at a premium, but because your clit looked like the Doctor had to make a tough call the day you were born. I saw you in a record store recently. Your husband has the biggest head I've ever seen. If you ever have children with him, it's gonna be game over for your canoe.
13. Tiffany. You had the nicest tits I’ve ever seen. Too bad your mom had equally nice jugs, and that I was closer in age to her than you. I’m not going to lie. I only dated you because you had a pool, and hot friends who liked to gear down into dynamite little bikinis. Learn how to suck cock.
14. Caroline. I was authentically in love with you. You had serious dependency and self-image issues, despite being hot as my balls in a banana hammock on Cinqo de Mayo. Our break-up was messy, and you broke my heart. Cheating bitches have a way of doing that. Remember that camera you bought me for my birthday. Remember the homemade porn flicks we made. I lied. I didn't delete them. And if you ever interfere in my life I will share them with your father, your brothers, and your husband. I might even send them to your friends -- you know the fat one you made fun of, the anorexic one with mommy issues that you made fun of, the jewish one you made fun of for being jewish. I wish I would have locked you into a threesome with your slutty asian friend...ha ha ha...GO **** YOURSELF.
15. Maggie. Look up 'average' in the dictionary. You should see yourself. I wanted to plug your roommate. Actually I wanted to plug two of them. You had a serious pot habit that you should probably get looked at.
16. The Nurse. Another forgotten name. The thing I won’t forget? That godforsaken foliage you called a bush. Seriously. Get yourself a pair of pruning shears. You’d been growing that thing out since the Columbia disaster of ‘86
17. Lindsay (2). I met you at a concert at the Gorge. I was your knight in shining armour after you got into a big fight with your older, hotter sister, who ran off with your cell phone. We got busy in your Toyota Highlander. I was thinking about your sister the entire time.
18. Heidi. We met at the same concert weekend. We were both drunk. You confessed to me you had a son back home in Montana. We ****ed in your Honda Element. You made it more than apparent that you liked the size of my hammer. I wish you could have gotten me off. You took my favourite t-shirt, and gave me some gawdy ****ing beaded jewelery in return. Seriously. WTF.
19. Melissa. You were friends with my suicidal roommate. You came to our Halloween Party dressed as Robert Goulet. I ****ed you so much that night you couldn't walk the next day so you decided to couch at our place for 10 hours. AWKWARD.
20. Daintry. You used to stalk me. Then I had sex with you a few times. Thank god I was high most of the time. Now I live 3000 km away, and you still stalk me online.
21. Ashley. Having sex with you was strange, since I used to teach your younger brother and sister. Having anal sex with you was even stranger.
22. Erin (2). I met you online and you tossed my salad. You were also sexually liberated enough to let me nut on your face whenever I wanted. How very pornish of you. I probably should have guessed you were a bit of a whore when you brought out the condom platter. Now you live in San Francisco. Probably the right place for you. Much like #5, the jury is still out on your lisp.
23. Tal. I dropped a load on your face, and you let me videotape it. Sadly I was more engaged in the background music you had playing. By the way, listening to The Stars while you **** a one night stand is wrong in every way possible.
24. Holly. We probably should have used lube. You were hot, but completely unremarkable in bed. I’ve made myself Kraft Dinner that was more memorable. I’m certain you have too.
25. Megan. You jerked me off while you drove your Honda Accord. Kudos. You even licked it off your hand after you polished me off. But humping you was a ****ing nightmare. It was like watching reruns of Charles in Charge high on Crystal Meth.
If I’ve excluded you from this list, I am entirely apologetic. It just means you were completely meaningless and void of any desirable trait whatsoever.
1. Devon. You were the first and thankfully not the last. For a cherry popper, you were a little on the short and chunky side. I would gladly have traded the sex for one of your tsunami inducing blowjobs. Losing my virginity to you was like finding satisfaction in a Big Gulp from 7-11.
2. Lisa. The shutters on your vagina could have blocked a ****ing solar eclipse. I'm sorry if I was overly fascinated with them. It was like finding a Wooly Mammoth or Atlantis. What are the odds that we’d end up working together 10 years later?
3. Lindsay (1). I popped your cherry. Naive. Nerdy. Self-conscious. Hairy Bush. I should have known you would treat my cock like it was a Fun Dip. Making me crawl out your bedroom window so your roommate (and my childhood friend) wasn't aware that I was penetrating your unkept vice of a vagina was not cool. I hated that bitch in high school, and I would have rather have ****ed her than you.
4. Steph. You were a whale. Allow me to rephrase that. You ARE a whale. Here's a note of advisement...when you **** a one-night stand, don't call them by your ex-boyfriend's name. I was just starting to sober up at that point. Wasn't cool. Also don't give them the ****ing clap. You swamp donkey.
5. Leesa. One night you said "I would let you put it anywhere you wanted". I'm still angry with myself that I didn't. I can only imagine the shit fit your ex-boyfriend would have had if he'd known I'd pummeled your backdoor Cold War style. I still can't decide if your lisp was sexy or retarded.
6. Emily. I don't like giant nipples. Your areolas were like a ****ing Venn Diagram. I'm glad I didn't need to see them more than once.
7. Jaye. Your vagina tasted like a can of sardines that had been left in a hot car for three months with the windows up. I'm sorry I could never tell you. I can't believe some douchebag actually puts up with that, and that you made another human being enter the world through that fish factory.
(Side note: I apologize to #5, #6, and #7 for sharing #4 with you)
8. Cindy. You were the first really hot piece of ass I ever tapped. Too bad your dad's name was John Holmes, and that he only had one eye. I found it faintly amusing when you broke down and told me how you got knocked up in high school and opted for the Coat Hanger Birth. I apologize for dialing long distance the last time we had sex, and having it land directly in your eye. I didn't think I had that kind of gun powder in me.
9. Fergus. That's not your real name. But I don't remember your real name. It might have been Christine. It might have been Susan. It might as well have been "Girl who jammed her index finger up my ass", because that's what you did to me. You also got me off with your feet one night in my truck. And the walls of your apartment were adorned with degrees from Christian Community Colleges and shit. You were one ****ed up bitch.
10. Stacey. You realized early on that you weren't much of a looker, and that you were going to really need to rely on your ability to perform oral to keep a guy around. Golf claps. I said hello to your throat on a few occasions. I also said hello to your teeth a number of times. After awhile, it's why I said goodbye.
11. Christine. The first mom I ever bopped. You were thirty-six and I banged you in your parents basement, where you lived. I could see why your husband left you for another woman.
12. Erin (1). You were tall with some masculine features. Having sex in your Volkswagon was difficult. Not because it was a ****ing Rabbit and space was at a premium, but because your clit looked like the Doctor had to make a tough call the day you were born. I saw you in a record store recently. Your husband has the biggest head I've ever seen. If you ever have children with him, it's gonna be game over for your canoe.
13. Tiffany. You had the nicest tits I’ve ever seen. Too bad your mom had equally nice jugs, and that I was closer in age to her than you. I’m not going to lie. I only dated you because you had a pool, and hot friends who liked to gear down into dynamite little bikinis. Learn how to suck cock.
14. Caroline. I was authentically in love with you. You had serious dependency and self-image issues, despite being hot as my balls in a banana hammock on Cinqo de Mayo. Our break-up was messy, and you broke my heart. Cheating bitches have a way of doing that. Remember that camera you bought me for my birthday. Remember the homemade porn flicks we made. I lied. I didn't delete them. And if you ever interfere in my life I will share them with your father, your brothers, and your husband. I might even send them to your friends -- you know the fat one you made fun of, the anorexic one with mommy issues that you made fun of, the jewish one you made fun of for being jewish. I wish I would have locked you into a threesome with your slutty asian friend...ha ha ha...GO **** YOURSELF.
15. Maggie. Look up 'average' in the dictionary. You should see yourself. I wanted to plug your roommate. Actually I wanted to plug two of them. You had a serious pot habit that you should probably get looked at.
16. The Nurse. Another forgotten name. The thing I won’t forget? That godforsaken foliage you called a bush. Seriously. Get yourself a pair of pruning shears. You’d been growing that thing out since the Columbia disaster of ‘86
17. Lindsay (2). I met you at a concert at the Gorge. I was your knight in shining armour after you got into a big fight with your older, hotter sister, who ran off with your cell phone. We got busy in your Toyota Highlander. I was thinking about your sister the entire time.
18. Heidi. We met at the same concert weekend. We were both drunk. You confessed to me you had a son back home in Montana. We ****ed in your Honda Element. You made it more than apparent that you liked the size of my hammer. I wish you could have gotten me off. You took my favourite t-shirt, and gave me some gawdy ****ing beaded jewelery in return. Seriously. WTF.
19. Melissa. You were friends with my suicidal roommate. You came to our Halloween Party dressed as Robert Goulet. I ****ed you so much that night you couldn't walk the next day so you decided to couch at our place for 10 hours. AWKWARD.
20. Daintry. You used to stalk me. Then I had sex with you a few times. Thank god I was high most of the time. Now I live 3000 km away, and you still stalk me online.
21. Ashley. Having sex with you was strange, since I used to teach your younger brother and sister. Having anal sex with you was even stranger.
22. Erin (2). I met you online and you tossed my salad. You were also sexually liberated enough to let me nut on your face whenever I wanted. How very pornish of you. I probably should have guessed you were a bit of a whore when you brought out the condom platter. Now you live in San Francisco. Probably the right place for you. Much like #5, the jury is still out on your lisp.
23. Tal. I dropped a load on your face, and you let me videotape it. Sadly I was more engaged in the background music you had playing. By the way, listening to The Stars while you **** a one night stand is wrong in every way possible.
24. Holly. We probably should have used lube. You were hot, but completely unremarkable in bed. I’ve made myself Kraft Dinner that was more memorable. I’m certain you have too.
25. Megan. You jerked me off while you drove your Honda Accord. Kudos. You even licked it off your hand after you polished me off. But humping you was a ****ing nightmare. It was like watching reruns of Charles in Charge high on Crystal Meth.
If I’ve excluded you from this list, I am entirely apologetic. It just means you were completely meaningless and void of any desirable trait whatsoever.