Vteckidd
09-09-2005, 10:01 PM
whats the difference between 14 dead hookers and a Ferrari?
I dont have a Ferrari in my garage
A man is driving down the road, passes over a bridge and a cop pulls him over for speeding. " What's the hurry son?" "I'm late for work officer" replies the man. " What do you do for a living?" " I'm an ass stretcher. I start with 2 fingers, then 3. Slowly I work one fist in, then the next until I stretch it to 6 feet." "What do you do with a 6 foot asshole," replies the cop. " Stick it on a bridge and give it a radar gun."
Guy walks into a bar with his pet aligator. The bartender says, "you gotta get the hell out of here with that alligator, its scaring my customers." The guy resonds with, "calm down I trained him myself, I will prove it to you." He puts the aligator on the bar and taps the aligators mouth. The aligators mouth opens up, the man pulls down his pants and puts his large dick into the alligators mouth. He orders a beer, drinks it, puts the glass down, pulls his dick out of its mouth, taps the alligators mouth and the akkigator closes its mouth. The guy syas" See I told you he was well trained. Is there anyone else here that wants to try the same thing." A girl in the back raises her hand and says, "I would like to try, but I am not sure I can keep my mouth open that long."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
So this big New York lawyer goes to alabama to go duck hunting. He's getting duck after duck all day. Eventually, he shoots a duck that lands on the other side of a fence. So he jumps the fence to grab the duck and a farmer pulls along side him on a tractor.
The farmer says: "what the hell you doing on my property?"
The lawyer says: " I shot a duck and I just jumped the fence to get it."
Farmer says: "Thats on my property, thats my duck."
Lawyer says: "Are you kidding me? I am a big NY lawyer and will sue you for everything you got."
The farmer says: "Well now, why don't we settle this how we do it here down south?"
Lawyer says: "What could you possible have on me? Ok, how are we going to do this"
The farmer says: "Ok, I hit you three times and then you hit me three times. We keep going till someone gives up. Who ever gives up first, loses."
Lawyer says: "lets do it."
farmer says: "Ok, I go first"
So the farmer punch's him in the face, kicks him in the balls, then knees him in the face. By this time, the lawyer is on the ground in ultimate pain. He finally makes it to his feet and says "Ok, my turn"
The farmer then says" Nahh, I give up, looks like you win."
There is a black guy, white guy and a spanish guy. This genie comes out of no where and is like I'll grant you each 1 wish each. The black guy is like, "I want all my people to go back to Africa". So the genie puts all the black people back in Africa.
She asked the spanish guy what he wants, he says. "I want all my people to go back to mexico and be free". So the genie puts all the spanish people back in Mexico.
Then the genie asks the white guy what he wants, he says "Wait, so all the blacks and spanish people are out of the states? I'll have a coke".
a man and his wife are about to have sex. the man says to his wife "we've been married for 20 years and you've never gone down on me" his wife replies "well if i go down on you, you'll probably lose all your respect for me". so the man ends up talking his wife into doing it. after she goes down on him the phone rings. the man picks up and says "oh here cocksucker the phones for you"
A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying "I'd likea ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"!
An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter" ... but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"
What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson....
Fucks children.
A young girl is jogging in the park and see's a young boy in a wheel chair crying. She stops and asks 'Whats wrong?' He explains to her that he's 18 and has never been hugged. She hugs him and he starts crying again. 'Whats wrong now?' He explains again that he's 18 and has never been kissed. Feeling sorry for the boy, she gives him a big kiss on the cheek. Before she can continue her jog, he begins to cry again. 'And now you've never been in love?' 'Nope, I've never been fucked.' So the girl throws the boy into the lake, 'Now you have!'
A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At around 1:00 in the morning, he leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied.??? Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea," he exclaimed..
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
I dont have a Ferrari in my garage
A man is driving down the road, passes over a bridge and a cop pulls him over for speeding. " What's the hurry son?" "I'm late for work officer" replies the man. " What do you do for a living?" " I'm an ass stretcher. I start with 2 fingers, then 3. Slowly I work one fist in, then the next until I stretch it to 6 feet." "What do you do with a 6 foot asshole," replies the cop. " Stick it on a bridge and give it a radar gun."
Guy walks into a bar with his pet aligator. The bartender says, "you gotta get the hell out of here with that alligator, its scaring my customers." The guy resonds with, "calm down I trained him myself, I will prove it to you." He puts the aligator on the bar and taps the aligators mouth. The aligators mouth opens up, the man pulls down his pants and puts his large dick into the alligators mouth. He orders a beer, drinks it, puts the glass down, pulls his dick out of its mouth, taps the alligators mouth and the akkigator closes its mouth. The guy syas" See I told you he was well trained. Is there anyone else here that wants to try the same thing." A girl in the back raises her hand and says, "I would like to try, but I am not sure I can keep my mouth open that long."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
So this big New York lawyer goes to alabama to go duck hunting. He's getting duck after duck all day. Eventually, he shoots a duck that lands on the other side of a fence. So he jumps the fence to grab the duck and a farmer pulls along side him on a tractor.
The farmer says: "what the hell you doing on my property?"
The lawyer says: " I shot a duck and I just jumped the fence to get it."
Farmer says: "Thats on my property, thats my duck."
Lawyer says: "Are you kidding me? I am a big NY lawyer and will sue you for everything you got."
The farmer says: "Well now, why don't we settle this how we do it here down south?"
Lawyer says: "What could you possible have on me? Ok, how are we going to do this"
The farmer says: "Ok, I hit you three times and then you hit me three times. We keep going till someone gives up. Who ever gives up first, loses."
Lawyer says: "lets do it."
farmer says: "Ok, I go first"
So the farmer punch's him in the face, kicks him in the balls, then knees him in the face. By this time, the lawyer is on the ground in ultimate pain. He finally makes it to his feet and says "Ok, my turn"
The farmer then says" Nahh, I give up, looks like you win."
There is a black guy, white guy and a spanish guy. This genie comes out of no where and is like I'll grant you each 1 wish each. The black guy is like, "I want all my people to go back to Africa". So the genie puts all the black people back in Africa.
She asked the spanish guy what he wants, he says. "I want all my people to go back to mexico and be free". So the genie puts all the spanish people back in Mexico.
Then the genie asks the white guy what he wants, he says "Wait, so all the blacks and spanish people are out of the states? I'll have a coke".
a man and his wife are about to have sex. the man says to his wife "we've been married for 20 years and you've never gone down on me" his wife replies "well if i go down on you, you'll probably lose all your respect for me". so the man ends up talking his wife into doing it. after she goes down on him the phone rings. the man picks up and says "oh here cocksucker the phones for you"
A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying "I'd likea ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"!
An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter" ... but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"
What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson....
Fucks children.
A young girl is jogging in the park and see's a young boy in a wheel chair crying. She stops and asks 'Whats wrong?' He explains to her that he's 18 and has never been hugged. She hugs him and he starts crying again. 'Whats wrong now?' He explains again that he's 18 and has never been kissed. Feeling sorry for the boy, she gives him a big kiss on the cheek. Before she can continue her jog, he begins to cry again. 'And now you've never been in love?' 'Nope, I've never been fucked.' So the girl throws the boy into the lake, 'Now you have!'
A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At around 1:00 in the morning, he leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied.??? Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea," he exclaimed..
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.