Scotsman
12-03-2007, 08:29 AM
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full
of crap.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full
of crap.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.